Monday, November 21, 2022

Rock in my chest

 I wake up again with a frog in my throat 

Shortness of breath 

And a rock in my chest  


Hoping that I will stay afloat 

This will not be my death 

There’s no time to rest 


For I can feel it weight pulling me down  

Struggling to stay

Striving for the sun  


A light smile turned to a heavy frown.

Yet another day 

Exhausted from this run.


Life has not been easy that is for sure

Striving forever ahead 

Trying my best 


It can be difficult to be secure 

Hanging by a thread 

With this rock in my chest. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

September reflection

 This trip has given me much time of selfreflection. To visualize my forever longing for immortality. To realize that it has been satiated temporarily by my productions. In a way that is unsustainable.  

     When does one find satisfaction? When will I? Have you? We are told of the world is our oyster, slimy, raw living creature that slips down the back of your throat. An aphrodisiac. My insatiable desires keeps me moving forward, my depression my muse, the monster constantly biting at my tail. Move, move, move it says. In fear of stagnation turning me to concrete. A slow process as my moist body becomes encompassed by stabbing crystals. move, move, move, you can do better. I hear it whispering into my ear as it grasps the back of my neck claws piercing. 

     Life is short, and I can see my mortality on my face. The years are passing, am I where I wanted to be at this age? Am I my most perfect self? What does that even mean?

     I feel like Jonathan Livingston Seagull, forever seeking perfect flight, when will I be satisfied? When I learn to fly beyond space, time, life? The best parts of myself come out when I’m teaching others. So I forever surround myself with youth. However this can be a double edge sword. For youth is fleeting, unpredictable and can often be demeaning. 

     I have never felt comfortable in my skin, I have never understood my peers or what it is that drives them. I’ve never found a like soul. forever walking this earth alone, perhaps aware, perhaps too aware. 

     They say happiness is bliss, but knowledge is power. is it better to be blissful? Or powerful? Well it’s too late for me to be blissful. I’ve already seen too much of the worlds hardships, I’ve already encompassed too much heartbreak. So is it power then for me? Is this something that I have ever wanted? Ever strived for? I do not feel it so. 

     There was a time when my writing was prolific, I’ve written numerous books now all in a trunk in my forever storage. A literal place. A literal, literary place. I miss that place, I miss that feeling. To be able to put my emotions into words and into the world for anyone with the time and interest to listen. Speaking into the abyss, into the darkness, waiting for an echo, any echo. an inkling of a voice of understanding.

     This is something that I desire to have embrace me once again. I wish to totally be encompassed in my own mentality. Production of it. Delivering it to the Oubliette. For perhaps the best ideas have been forgotten. That’s always been my greatest fear. To be forgotten. For as long as we remain on the minds and lips of someone, we are Immortal.

     So move, move, move, forever forward, be productive, better than the past. Produce more.  It’s claws run down my back. Opening past scars. So forward movement forever dangling carrot called desire, perhaps it’s out of fear. fear of the unknown,  fear of not being appreciated, fear of being forgotten.

Wagons

 I am seeking a deeper connection, 

sick of playing in this water shallows. 

I wish to swim with the sharks, 

if it means I could escape the gallows.


When I love, I love hard

The things I say are absolutely true. 

So even if I lay bruised and chard, 

I still would die for you. 


When we find the reapers reflection. 

Will we be happy with what we see? 

Will we find sparks for the future, 

or scar marks, which will it be? 


if you’d told me that you loved me, 

would you prove it when the time comes?

Would your bold acts shine through

 when push comes to shove. 


In the end if you showed your face, 

when you hear the beating drum. 

Would you let me take your place. 

When the wagons finally come.

Perfect wife

      I am here for your entertainment. I’m here to amuse you tonight. 

And I really hope that you’ll let me do it now, if I do not do it right.


     And don’t worry, no matter what you do, no secrets from me you will find. 

And no matter how much you hurt me, I will never speak my mind.


     I Will do your laundry, birth your children and clean your house.

I am here for all your desires and to ignore when you find something else. 

Dance monkey dance

      Put on your make up, smile, they’re watching you. Dance monkey dance. It’s your circus. This is what you wanted.

      If you’re too sad, wear a mask, if you don’t like who you are, wear a disguise. Be someone else, be something else, be anything else. 

     You can’t stop now, you’ve put too much into it. You must step up your pace, you must find your place. Only you know how. 

     Dance monkey dance, they’re all watching. this is what you wanted. Admiration from strangers accompanied with the hateful words from trolls, as conjoined twins. One cannot survive without the other.

      Suffocating? Breathe, breathe, breathe. You put this weight upon your chest and you must learn to live with it. 

     When your ambitions push your back to the wall only then will you see the grandeur of your audience. So dance monkey dance, they’re all Here for you.

Sludge

     The Weight in my heart is for ever pulling me down, down, down. Sinking into the sludge of my past trauma. Suffocating, is a forever state. A state just around the corner from my happiness. It is a patient vortex, heeding the moment where I will sink again.

      However it is here, encompassed with the alluvium of all our heartbreak and anguish where we can blossom the most. For it is in the valleys at the bottom where all debris and carrion is washed from the tops of the mountains, down, down, down. The seeds and rubbish from societies past all accumulate together in a mass of decaying solitude. 

     This is where the seeds are nourished, this is where the soil is most nutritious. This is where the largest trees can start to bud and grow. 

     With my torment comes my greatest achievements. They are sad bedfellows in eternity. Forever and nagging and comforting each other. As an old married couple staring into the abyss together. 

Friday, July 1, 2022

I’m trying


I’m trying to not allow things that hurt me 

to get a grip

Not give them the power to bruise, cut or rip

Breathe n move past it, stat

I’m trying to be much stronger then that 


I’m trying to not allow things that hurt me

To break me down 

My eyes once smiling now seem to frown

Where do these feelings stem

I’m trying to learn my obstacles & get over them


I’m trying to not allow things that hurt me

To control my path

I’ve measured my trajectory & done the math

Where I am, is where I would stay

I’m trying to not allow it to get in my way


I’m trying to not allow things that hurt me

To get my reaction

To cut me into pieces, make me a fraction. 

For life will forever through things at you

I’m trying to see this pain, is why I grew. 


                                                         - XZanthia