I WANT DOUBLE PINEAPPLE!
Not world peace.
Not a yacht.
Not a seat on the Supreme Court.
I WANT.
DOUBLE.
PINEAPPLE.
ON MY WHITE PIZZA!
Marco’s Pizza knows who I am.
They know my kind.
A woman of culture.
A woman of conviction.
A woman who wants her cheese
DROWNING
IN TROPICAL FRUIT!
But here comes Uber Eats.
The digital dictator.
The mozzarella Mussolini.
The pineapple police!
Telling me...
ONE.
ONE PORTION OF PINEAPPLE.
EXCUSE ME?!
Who died and made you
the supreme overlord
of my fucking fruit?!
I can order extra cheese.
Extra sauce.
Extra disappointment.
But DOUBLE PINEAPPLE?!
Apparently that's where
civilization draws the line!
I scrolled.
I clicked.
I begged.
I went back.
I clicked AGAIN!
Like a laboratory rat
in a touchscreen experiment
designed by a sadist
with a severe vitamin C deficiency!
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!
I AM A GROWN-ASS WOMAN!
I PAY TAXES!
I HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES!
I HAVE SURVIVED THINGS
THAT WOULD MAKE
A PIZZA DELIVERY DRIVER
QUESTION THE EXISTENCE OF GOD!
AND YET—
I CANNOT GET
TWO FUCKING SERVINGS
OF PINEAPPLE?!
What kind of dystopian
corporate-controlled,
algorithmically oppressed,
pineapple-prohibited
HELLSCAPE
ARE WE LIVING IN?!
They say,
"Customize your order."
CUSTOMIZE?!
That's not customization!
That's a dictatorship
with a pepperoni button!
I don't want your suggestions!
I don't want your recommendations!
I don't want a coupon
for something I didn't ask for!
I WANT MY WHITE PIZZA
WITH ENOUGH PINEAPPLE
TO MAKE A HAWAIIAN
FILE A NOISE COMPLAINT!
So hear me, Uber Eats.
Hear me, Marco's.
Hear me, every programmer
who ever looked at a topping menu
and thought—
"One is enough."
ONE IS NOT ENOUGH!
ONE HAS NEVER BEEN ENOUGH!
AND I REFUSE
TO LIVE IN A WORLD
WHERE A COMPUTER
GETS TO DECIDE
HOW MUCH PINEAPPLE
MY SOUL CAN HANDLE!
Because this...
THIS IS NOT ABOUT PIZZA.
This is about FREEDOM.
This is about CHOICE.
This is about the fundamental human right
to turn a perfectly respectable Italian dinner
into a tropical fruit catastrophe!
And until that little PLUS BUTTON
LETS ME HIT IT TWICE...
I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!
I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED!
AND I WILL NOT—
BE UNDER-PINEAPPLED!!!
Mic drop.
Checks app.
"...Seriously? Still just one?"
