Green Lights and Red Flags

Green Lights and Red Flags

I am at a new part of my life. I truly feel the edge of the cliff of my old life at my heels as I free fall into my new one. I am now beginning to see all my hard work and effort beguine to pay off. I can now see my life as chapters.
Chapter 1 – (Birth – 11) “Childhood” - Living with my mom, traveling all over the country.
Chapter 2 – (11 – 15) “Becoming” - Living with my father, finding who I am.
Chapter 3 – (16 – 19) “Discovery / Depression” - Finding love, Dating, Growing into my own. Understanding people and there actions and reactions for the first time. Loosing myself in my thoughts and not knowing how to control the depth of which I go.
Chapter 4 – (19 – 22) “Weakness / Freedom” – Understanding my needs and desires while still a victim to my weaknesses. Becoming the public identity of (XZanthia).
Chapter 5 – (22 – 27) “Structure / Stability” – Living in Denver, Building the art community and gallery. Pulling together what it is that makes me tick. Seeing my path more clearly.
Chapter 6 – (27 – 29) “Separation / Solitude” – Denying my human desires for fear of the heart. Hurt by people I retreated into my own world.
Chapter 7 – (29 - ?) “Apprehension / Self Awareness” – wounds not healed, however willing to go back in the battle field believing I can win this war. Dating again. Loosing myself in relationships and rediscovering what I already knew. Becoming more productive and getting a better grasp on my passions.
Chapter 7 (Continued) “Organization / Understanding” – Where I am at now is that I am starting to embrace who I am and what I am truly looking for. Understanding the act of will is only as strong as ones true desire. Living in the “Now”. Learning to let go, move forward, truly learn and better myself and better structure my future.
Chapter 8 – (30s) “Converging” – I will hope to ether find my life partner or except that my life, like my parents will be full of 3 year relationships. Either way I would love to travel, study, be self sustaining and have a child.
Chapter 9 – (40s) “Family / Adulthood” – What ever that is, LOL…

I can feel that this is going to be a long blog. I have had a whole lot on my mind in the last week. It is as I think several thoughts at any given moment. Only when I show my mind enough to form them into constructive sentences to be translated by the public can I beguine to understand what I am truly thinking.
Writing this way is a powerful way to know ones self, as well as having others understand you. And in there comments, you can understand them. But that is simply there public comments. Being that I choose to live my life in the open, I am vulnerable to much public criticism. O and I do get it. I am just as human as the next person, and I am judged for it behind my back. This is life and just the way people are. I accept this. There is a part of me, with every action, feel the paparazzi at my door. I can now read the headlines. I understood this when I was becoming a public Icon and I embrace the positive and negative sides. I am human and just want friends, want to understand and be understood, love and be loved. I need to be allowed to change and shift gears. I need to be understood as a true artist, and only then can I not let anyone down.
In my time I have gathered many great friends on many different levels. Some breeze in and out with the passing wind, others stay by my side for years and others still come and go, but we never loose our connection. Forever connected. I feel forever bonded to everyone that touches my life in any kind of a substantial way. What I mean by this, anyone who takes the time to know me. It seems to start there. Then I reciprocate.
With this I have had numerous men use “work” as a way to get close to me, becoming angry if I don’t choose them romantically. This hurts and angers me. They become harsh in words and actions, letters and blogs when I put my attention on anyone but them. Be it male or female, romantically or otherwise. This obsession is one of the big reasons why I stopped dating/seeing people all together. It least if I was abstinent it was not “them”. But now this year since I have been having the desire to feel love again, I am being punished by these men who have posed as my friends, just waiting for there chance with me. This bothers me a great deal, and I wish it not to be so. It does not matter that I do not flirt, speak openly on my level of interest on them or even if I digress from intense interaction friendship for fear of leading them on.
Since I have been back in Florida I have been rediscovering who I am and what it is that I am looking for in this life. I have almost become 14 years old again, fearful of the fall but wanting to fly. I am sure that all of life is this way, this forever morphing orb of emotion and actions. Doors will forever be opened and closed, if we want them to or not. We will always have times of greatness and times of squallier. Acts of will are only as strong as ones true desire. Denying ones true desire for fear is not a action of will. Fear is there as a guideline, not a wall, life is a river with many twists and turns and although a 30 foot water fall could be just around the bend, it does not matter now, for we are enjoying the ride. And once you fall, there will always be calm waters ahead. Yes we know this, we are intellectual beings, but more then this we are emotional beings chemically addicted to sensation, be it positive or negative.
Living in the eye, and being recognized is a lesser level to getting my work out there and being known as my name is beginning to carry weight. Having the look that I do publicly it attracts much attention, some desired, some not. However it all levels out. I understand that sex sells and if it weren’t for my looks it would be harder to get to where I am in my career. However it does come with its downfalls. This is why I have “Married” on my profile. As well as the constant statement of not being interested in romantic involvement. That is why I often find it strange when a couple put on there profile that they are single, it’s that they are keeping there options open. People believe that I am silly for using myspace stats to understand people and there intentions. But it is there public skin. It shows there true level of contentment. That is why even when single, I never put single on my profile. I do not want to be put on the market, even if I am truly on the market. I am not up for the highest bidder. I am not an idem, a trophy or a notch on a belt. I am a emotionally passionate person who’s driving force is love of all that this life has to offer without hurting those around me or myself. . I am only interested in a life partner, but how can I get one if I am afraid of dating. It like I want to become a fish but I am scared of the water. Well, my ruling planet is Venus. So I am ruled my love. My love for art, community, people and family as well as our earth and knowledge. I am immensely passionate and communicative. Powerful and intimidating. I am aware of who I am and my projected persona. I live in my head so much it is sometimes hard to understand those around me from who they really are and not the idea of them I made up to comfort me. Only with open communication, “no holds bar” without feeling or making others feel interrogated, can this come to a full and true understanding. Only when you totally understand a situation can you embrace it. I mean this in all of life. I feel it with the resort, My art, Career, Desires, Self awareness and love.
It is strange how people react and how you react to them. It is strange how your narcissism can be your defeat. Your ego your downfall. Only when you submit yourself to the situation and become vulnerable, can you truly understand it for what it is, but when you show a hungry wolf your throat don’t be surprised if it takes the opportunity, it’s simply in the creatures nature. We must except this and still offer our selves to the pack in all our weakness, if they do not devour you, you become one of them and can run with the pack.
When I, like so many bloggers, write, I can not be to personally directed towards any one subject or person. I must be vague but direct, not condescending but understood and in the same breath, I can more parse any one person or situation for the feelings of others as well as the change that could occur and most often will throughout life which makes one who writes passing thoughts and feelings seem like they are going back on there word. Emotions will blind us into submission. We will give in if we are not strong to understand and move through wide eyed and bushy tailed.
Life is so beautiful, at ones the greatest gift and curse is our consciousness. Some of us are more awake to them selves as well as those around us. Others choose to live in a type of a fog, and kudos to them, I can’t do it, it does not desire me to do so. There is too much that this life has to offer to loose myself in drugs, emotion, happenstance and other people’s desires.
Love life, live in the moment, live for the future, don’t let people brake you, forever move forward, learn not from only your mistakes but from the mistakes of others and don’t loose yourself in day-to-day bullshit that does not matter in the grand scheme of things. Be selfish, but in a freely open and giving way to all that touch you. We are born alone, and we die alone. We walk by the side of others during different times of our life, but perhaps we can never truly embrace someone, engulf them, become one in unity. We are forever two separate bodies and souls. Only connected by that which we desire to be connected on the level of our choosing. Only with communication and vibration can we ever hope to grasp what we truly desire. Be that on any level of love, life and happiness. One thing to say / read the words, another to embrace and follow. I am still working on convincing myself.