Life… Don’t tell Me about Life…

Life… Don’t tell Me about Life…

That was to quote the depressed robot from "Hitch Hikers Guide From the Galaxy." Not that I am at all depressed, but I understand how he feels. A depressed robot, a mass intellect that just can’t get past the way he was programmed. This is a very complex thought and statement. Ponder that for a while.
I have been very busy this week on the internet. I have been building Profiles to promote the community I am building as well as my own talents. I have not been spending much time checking Emails or Comments. I will get on that after this weekend. However I really want to continue painting more often. Today I made 3 more larger board box frames to paint new pieces. These are the largest that I have ever gone. It is time for me to take the next step. What is life without personal evolution?
I have been a constant flow of poetic interruption. More thoughts then I even have the desire or time to stop and put to paper. I just write a poem about one recent / fleeting thought that I did have time to put down. “A Playful Distraction” – (WordPress) (Blogger). I am just now starting to understand how those two sites work. People are telling me that with the amount that I blog I should be on a Blogging Site. But with all the tings that I do I do not know if another Profile is what I need. LOL.. Looks like you cant even put a link or HTML in Blogger. WordPress looks cool. I will continue messing with both. I really like how you can categorize everything in WordPress. And people just hop around both those sites to read blogs. I like that. Get my insanity out to more people. ;)
Before blogging or LiveJournal or any of that, I was an avid writer of my thoughts. I never went public, however I had considered publishing them. I am not a secretive or personal person. Most anything that I hold back is for the sake of other people. I don’t want to hurt anyone that reads my blogs by my actions or reactions in writing. The complexity of my thoughts only make sense when I stop and write them down. So this is mainly for me, however I do love that now because of the internet others can read and comment. This also gives those who care, some insight into who I am. More then the persona that they project on me from my image. The complexity of human emotion and thoughts is hard to confined in a mere article. For we are forever changing and different with every individual that we interact with. Well I know I am. Sometimes I am all wall, and sometimes all arms, but sometimes, a wall with arms.
This next week I will try to go through all the mail that I can in my different profiles. I am trying to redirect most “useful” mail to my XZanthia@Gmail.com account and the “comments” to the comments on my page. I get so many.. well just men hitting on me. Which I am not interested and only makes me want to dig the hole that I crawled in a bit deeper. Once I get through all my mail, I then want to learn how to use Gmial more effectively as well as Googles other features. In the middle of all this I want to paint! I really need to paint! Aaa! But this computer is like crack! And I use it for my dose of human interaction being that I do not go out that often. A part of me would like to change that, then the other part is like.. why?
Just today I received a shipment from a acquaintance in Denver of DVDs Documentary’s, like the ones that I have up on my MySpace Blog. I will be having LOTS OF Movie Nights at my resort coming up!
Now off to another page of a internal rant. Crushes suck. I don’t like to have them, and I do not like it when my friends have them on me. I seem to crush on men that are wayyy intimidated by me, so they run. They may never known that I was interested, because I will not allow anything to manifest for a year or more of friendship. So time, I have time. But it seems that they don’t even want to make the time to get to know me. I am not saying that this happens often, cause really it doesn’t. Its not like I am always crushing on some dork, but it happens enough that it has been on my mind. My friends that crush on me, well I really try to let them down with honesty and kindness. If that does not work I become cold and hard. Often it seems as men never get the paint. Perhaps it is that same way in woman. But once one of my “dorks” show me that they are not interested, I move on. This has only ever happened 3 times by the way. I normally am to busy for crushes. LOL. I know I am a lot to handle, and the type of guy that I desire can not handle me, so it seems as I get with these, “player” type guys. Now I know that several of my X’s read this and I am sure I will get several Texts. So I put in this disclaimer so that perhaps I will not. I do not mean “Player” in a cold, mean sense of the word. Just can’t think of a better word for it. Someone that is more into self gratitude and the excitement of new things. This is not at all a bad thing. It just needs to be addressed and understood within the individuals and partnership.
I have had several enlighten occurrences this past month that has made me a little more aware of myself, my feelings, my actions and reactions as well as my future. My father is showing me support as an artist and as part owner of the resort for the first time in my life. My father has always been hard on me. Using harsh words to brake me. Not being supportive and even not calling me for months-years when I was living in Denver. But now he is buying me art supplies, promoting and helping me. He believes in me. It is a strange feeling to have when being denied of it for so long.
My X, whom I am still very good friends with, just got married. I was suppose to go to the wedding and I felt so bad that I was in Cali. They are in Mexico for there honeymoon and with this whole swine flue thing, I am worried. Ari getting marryed only truly hit me on any kind of emotional level when I was on my FaceBook posting to my friends when I clicked on his Wife’s profile. I have written her in the past week congratulating her. However this time her main photo was them kissing at the wedding. I am happy for him, I am happy he found love. I am happy he has moved on from me and cut his hair. I will always love him, just don’t feel the desire to be in a relationship with him. He has come to me several times asking. I have distanced myself from him to not mislead or hurt him. He is a great man, and will make her a great husband. With our connection I never figured out why I did not feel the desire to stay. It was my choice, and I am happy that he has moved on. But at the same time it hurts. He is my first X that has tied the knot. And he is one that I will forever be soul connected.
I am desiring to write more often. I feel the need to create poetry, art and music. However I am feeling the desire to focus more then ever. I am almost 30 years old and in a kind of unfocused panic of desire to live up to my potential. So my father and I have been working on my goals. Placing them in order. Soon I will be putting all my progress in this up on my Blogs not only for me, but to help others better focus there life if they desire it to be so.
Two of my female friends contacted me within four hours of each other upset that I was commenting there boyfriends on MySpace. They both wanted me to delete there boyfriends. Nether was being rude to me, or saying that I had intentions. One said that he was talking to me so that he can spy on her or get her mad, the other did not like seeing me on her mans profile with my modeling pix. I 100% would delete them if I could. But after 600,000 friends, I can no longer search people by there name or the first letter.
I have felt lust. Nothing big, just enough to now know that I am single and a woman. Not sure if I would like to do anything about it, being that I know how my heart is connected to my intermit encounters. However I at times am bothered with this and I wish that I could enjoy life and another’s body without getting attached. This is very personal, however, if someone reads this long into a blog they deserve to know a bit more. ;)
Well with that being said, and now I’m on the 3rd page on the Word Document that I created to bleed my thoughts to you, I feel as I will end with this…

Life… Don’t tell Me about Life…

http://xzanthia.wordpress.com/
http://xzanthia.blogspot.com/

A playful distraction

If you stay,
I will not be able to remain a lady.

For the monster is knocking on my door.

You are a playful distraction, a need for an end.
This simple attraction, I wish to not apprehend.

I’m needy and I’m distant, I’m clingy and I’m calm.
I’m complicated but commutative, I’ve been right and I’ve been wrong.

I have felt love I thought to last and lust with a friend.
Acted on desires of emotion as the rolling of the ocean its difficult comprehend.
I have been chased and desired, used and thrown away.
Misunderstood, denied so now I keep these feelings at bay.
A desire for devotion, it’s my motion to this testament I defend
Then I tire of my morels and my will starts to bend.

So you see, if you stay,
I will not be able to remain a lady.

For the monster is knocking on my door.

So, you must go home,
Its not that I don’t want you here, it’s just better off if I am left alone.

It’s these human desires that my body requires.
This carnal nature wired, begins to inspire promises of haven.
I admire the unity but tire of these empty promises given

I have been here before, been bold, and I do wish to explore.
I feel your lore, It’s not that I’m cold, it’s just that I choose to ignore,
This monster knocking on my door.