Lost in depth

 Keith, oh Keith, let me tell you a story,

Of a brother lost in the depths, lost in the worry,

A life cut short by a heroin's grip,

Leaving a void that words can't fully equip.

See, Keith was a dreamer, full of fire,

With a heart that burned, reaching higher,

But the demons of addiction took their toll,

Leaving us here, grappling with a shattered soul.

We fought battles together, side by side,

Through laughter and tears, we'd confide,

But heroin's deceitful embrace,

Took you away, in its cold embrace.

Oh, the questions that haunt us, they pierce the night,

Why couldn't we save you, in that desperate fight?

We watched you struggle, fight and fall,

But the grip of addiction, it had you enthralled.

Keith, my brother, I mourn your loss,

But I won't let your memory become an albatross,

I'll speak out loud, break the silence's chains,

To honor your life, to share our pains.

Let this be a call to those who still roam,

In the shadows of addiction, feeling alone,

Seek the light, reach for a helping hand,

For there's hope and healing in this broken land.

Keith, my brother, I'll carry your name,

In the power of love, we'll kindle the flame,

Together we'll fight, spreading awareness wide.

Brother

 In the tapestry of life, a thread pulled too soon,

A haunting melody, a heart-wrenching tune,

Through the twists and turns of fate's cruel design,

Lies the tale of Keith, a life intertwined.

In the corridors of memory, whispers remain,

Of a brother's love that knew no bound or chain,

His spirit, vibrant, like a flame ablaze,

But consumed by darkness in sorrow's haze.

Keith, a soul untamed, now forever missed,

A bond unbreakable, forever on the list,

The bitter sorrow, the questions unresolved,

In the echoes of your absence, our hearts dissolved.

Like a sweet breeze rising, he soared above the rest,

With dreams in his eyes and a fire in his chest,

But the grip of heroin, a treacherous vice,

Took hold of his dreams, his hopes sacrificed.

Keith, a soul untamed, now forever missed,

A bond unbreakable, forever on the list,

The bitter sorrow, the questions unresolved,

In the echoes of your absence, our hearts dissolved.

Oh, the pain that accompanies such a loss,

The shattered dreams, the unbearable cross,

Yet amidst the darkness, a flicker of light,

Memories cherished, his spirit shining bright.

In the depths of despair, he fought a silent war,

His battle with demons we couldn't ignore,

Oh, how we longed to save him from his plight,

To rewrite the ending, to make things right.

Keith, a soul untamed, now forever missed,

A bond unbreakable, forever on the list,

The bitter sorrow, the questions unresolved,

In the echoes of your absence, our hearts dissolved.

As we mourn the loss of a brother so dear,

Let the love we shared forever persevere,

May your spirit find solace, may your soul find peace,

In the realm beyond, where all sorrows cease.

Though these words can't heal the pain you bear,

Know that my brother's memory, we'll always share,

May his story remind us of the battles fought,

And the urgency to heal, lessons to be taught.

Crossing the line

In the realm of rhymes, where words collide,

A tale of friends, lost in the drug's deadly tide,

Hear my voice, raw and unchained,

Expressing the pain, the sorrow unrestrained.

In this poetic canvas, let the story unfold,

Of friendship shattered, hearts left cold,

Where pills and potions led them astray,

Leaving behind a void that won't fade away.

In the city streets where dreams were made,

Friends bonded tight, but darkness would invade,

The allure of drugs, a devil's game,

Dancing with danger, fanning the flame.

Their laughter once echoed, filled the air,

But addiction's grip proved too much to bear,

Through tattered lens, their stories unfold,

The pain, the struggle, the truths untold.

Friends lost in the shadows, consumed by the night,

Their  words, their legacy, taking flight,

Their memory alive, through each lyric and rhyme,

A reminder of the cost of crossing that line.

Hear my voice voice, fierce and bold,

Shattering stigma, the stories untold,

A beacon of truth, shedding light on the strife,

Reminding us all of the preciousness of life.

Through the verses, their voices rise,

Their pain, their struggle, laid bare in their eyes,

Our words, a cathartic release,

A tribute to the fallen, offering peace.

Friends lost in the shadows, consumed by the night,

Their words, their legacy, taking flight,

Their memory alive, through each lyric and rhyme,

A reminder of the cost of crossing that line.

Tragic stride

 In shadows deep, where sorrow resides,

A tale of friendship's tragic tides,

Where dreams were shattered, hopes did fall,

Lies the haunting echoes of a painful call.

Within a circle, once bound by glee,

Lived friends entangled in destiny,

But amidst their laughter, darkness grew,

A venomous seed that slowly slew.

Like sirens' whispers, drugs enticed,

Wrapped in deceit, their souls entwiced,

They danced with danger, took a fatal ride,

Lost in the currents of a lethal tide.

One by one, they faded away,

Their spirits swallowed by the night's dismay,

Silent screams echoed, unheard and feared,

As the veil of addiction gradually neared.

Oh, the memories, like fragile flowers,

Withered and wilted in their final hours,

The laughter silenced, replaced by tears,

Filling the void left by their absence, dear.

We mourn the souls that couldn't be saved,

Their vibrant spirits forever engraved,

In our hearts, they forever reside,

Lessons learned from their tragic stride.

Let us be beacons of hope and light,

To guide those lost through the darkest night,

May their untimely end be our call,

To prevent the rise of another fall.

In remembrance of friends gone too soon,

Bound by love, even 'neath death's cruel moon,

Their legacy etched in our souls' deep creases,

Guiding us towards healing, love, and peace.

Here still

 In a land where friendships bloom,

Where laughter fills each sunny room,

There lived a group of pals so dear,

Whose love for one another was clear.

They roamed the fields with hearts so free,

Their spirits danced like leaves on a tree,

But as they journeyed through life's maze,

They faced unforeseen and darker days.

One by one, like whispers on the wind,

Some friends succumbed to troubles within,

Their paths took them to a treacherous place,

Where shadows cast a haunting embrace.

No longer did their laughter ring,

Only echoes of memories could they bring,

Their absence left a void so vast,

A reminder of the friendships that didn't last.

We wept for those we couldn't save,

Their lives extinguished like a fleeting wave,

But in their memory, we held them close,

A reminder of the love we chose.

Let's learn from this, my dear friend,

To reach out when others descend,

For through the pain and bitter cost,

We must protect the ones we've lost.

This is a sad and repetitive tale,

There spirits lingers in these verses we hail,

So let us cherish those still here,

And hold their hands, dispelling fear.

Rock in my chest

 I wake up again with a frog in my throat 

Shortness of breath 

And a rock in my chest  

Hoping that I will stay afloat 

This will not be my death 

There’s no time to rest 

For I can feel it weight pulling me down  

Struggling to stay

Striving for the sun  

A light smile turned to a heavy frown.

Yet another day 

Exhausted from this run.

Life has not been easy that is for sure

Striving forever ahead 

Trying my best 

It can be difficult to be secure 

Hanging by a thread 

With this rock in my chest. 

September reflection

 This trip has given me much time of selfreflection. To visualize my forever longing for immortality. To realize that it has been satiated temporarily by my productions. In a way that is unsustainable.  

     When does one find satisfaction? When will I? Have you? We are told of the world is our oyster, slimy, raw living creature that slips down the back of your throat. An aphrodisiac. My insatiable desires keeps me moving forward, my depression my muse, the monster constantly biting at my tail. Move, move, move it says. In fear of stagnation turning me to concrete. A slow process as my moist body becomes encompassed by stabbing crystals. move, move, move, you can do better. I hear it whispering into my ear as it grasps the back of my neck claws piercing. 

     Life is short, and I can see my mortality on my face. The years are passing, am I where I wanted to be at this age? Am I my most perfect self? What does that even mean?

     I feel like Jonathan Livingston Seagull, forever seeking perfect flight, when will I be satisfied? When I learn to fly beyond space, time, life? The best parts of myself come out when I’m teaching others. So I forever surround myself with youth. However this can be a double edge sword. For youth is fleeting, unpredictable and can often be demeaning. 

     I have never felt comfortable in my skin, I have never understood my peers or what it is that drives them. I’ve never found a like soul. forever walking this earth alone, perhaps aware, perhaps too aware. 

     They say happiness is bliss, but knowledge is power. is it better to be blissful? Or powerful? Well it’s too late for me to be blissful. I’ve already seen too much of the worlds hardships, I’ve already encompassed too much heartbreak. So is it power then for me? Is this something that I have ever wanted? Ever strived for? I do not feel it so. 

     There was a time when my writing was prolific, I’ve written numerous books now all in a trunk in my forever storage. A literal place. A literal, literary place. I miss that place, I miss that feeling. To be able to put my emotions into words and into the world for anyone with the time and interest to listen. Speaking into the abyss, into the darkness, waiting for an echo, any echo. an inkling of a voice of understanding.

     This is something that I desire to have embrace me once again. I wish to totally be encompassed in my own mentality. Production of it. Delivering it to the Oubliette. For perhaps the best ideas have been forgotten. That’s always been my greatest fear. To be forgotten. For as long as we remain on the minds and lips of someone, we are Immortal.

     So move, move, move, forever forward, be productive, better than the past. Produce more.  It’s claws run down my back. Opening past scars. So forward movement forever dangling carrot called desire, perhaps it’s out of fear. fear of the unknown,  fear of not being appreciated, fear of being forgotten.

Wagons

 I am seeking a deeper connection, 

sick of playing in this water shallows. 

I wish to swim with the sharks, 

if it means I could escape the gallows.

When I love, I love hard

The things I say are absolutely true. 

So even if I lay bruised and chard, 

I still would die for you. 

When we find the reapers reflection. 

Will we be happy with what we see? 

Will we find sparks for the future, 

or scar marks, which will it be? 

if you’d told me that you loved me, 

would you prove it when the time comes?

Would your bold acts shine through

 when push comes to shove. 

In the end if you showed your face, 

when you hear the beating drum. 

Would you let me take your place. 

When the wagons finally come.

Perfect wife

      I am here for your entertainment. I’m here to amuse you tonight. 

And I really hope that you’ll let me do it now, if I do not do it right.

     And don’t worry, no matter what you do, no secrets from me you will find. 

And no matter how much you hurt me, I will never speak my mind.

     I Will do your laundry, birth your children and clean your house.

I am here for all your desires and to ignore when you find something else. 

Dance monkey dance

      Put on your make up, smile, they’re watching you. Dance monkey dance. It’s your circus. This is what you wanted.

      If you’re too sad, wear a mask, if you don’t like who you are, wear a disguise. Be someone else, be something else, be anything else. 

     You can’t stop now, you’ve put too much into it. You must step up your pace, you must find your place. Only you know how. 

     Dance monkey dance, they’re all watching. this is what you wanted. Admiration from strangers accompanied with the hateful words from trolls, as conjoined twins. One cannot survive without the other.

      Suffocating? Breathe, breathe, breathe. You put this weight upon your chest and you must learn to live with it. 

     When your ambitions push your back to the wall only then will you see the grandeur of your audience. So dance monkey dance, they’re all Here for you.

Sludge

     The Weight in my heart is for ever pulling me down, down, down. Sinking into the sludge of my past trauma. Suffocating, is a forever state. A state just around the corner from my happiness. It is a patient vortex, heeding the moment where I will sink again.

      However it is here, encompassed with the alluvium of all our heartbreak and anguish where we can blossom the most. For it is in the valleys at the bottom where all debris and carrion is washed from the tops of the mountains, down, down, down. The seeds and rubbish from societies past all accumulate together in a mass of decaying solitude. 

     This is where the seeds are nourished, this is where the soil is most nutritious. This is where the largest trees can start to bud and grow. 

     With my torment comes my greatest achievements. They are sad bedfellows in eternity. Forever and nagging and comforting each other. As an old married couple staring into the abyss together. 

I’m trying

I’m trying to not allow things that hurt me 

to get a grip

Not give them the power to bruise, cut or rip

Breathe n move past it, stat

I’m trying to be much stronger then that 

I’m trying to not allow things that hurt me

To break me down 

My eyes once smiling now seem to frown

Where do these feelings stem

I’m trying to learn my obstacles & get over them

I’m trying to not allow things that hurt me

To control my path

I’ve measured my trajectory & done the math

Where I am, is where I would stay

I’m trying to not allow it to get in my way

I’m trying to not allow things that hurt me

To get my reaction

To cut me into pieces, make me a fraction. 

For life will forever through things at you

I’m trying to see this pain, is why I grew. 

                                                         - XZanthia 

Change the page

 Scared of my future, living in the past. 

Seeking continuity with this ever changing cast.

Continuing this way I know that I will not last.

Missing loved ones that have sadly passed.

Slowing things down for time is moving fast.

Not continuing as I know my own forecast.

If I’m not happy here, it’s time for a contrast.

I’d become inconsistent, was always steadfast.

This is my script, this is my stage. 

I should know it’s about perception by this age. 

Picked away so slow was hard to gauge. 

No longer adolescent, I’ve become a sage.

So I must step forward, be ready for a change.

Remove these chains and step out of this cage.

Release all my anger, self pity and rage. 

For this is my book, it’s time to change the page. 

                                                         -XZanthia

Monster become

But I wasn’t always this way, 

wasn’t always the demon of the day, 

I have loved and failed, 

I believed in the fairytale.  

Back then my view was skewed, 

I wish only that I knew, 

that your love was a bust, 

That you would betray my trust, 

One who’s love can turn to hate 

when they learn they cannot manipulate. 

I don’t know why I waited this long, 

to stand up and be so strong. 

Now I have drawn the line, 

and taking back what is mine. 

You have torn me apart, 

you never deserved my heart. 

That was my gift to you, 

I wanted only the truth. 

But it is a such, 

I suppose that’s asking too much. 

So now I live for the rain, 

and I’ve grown from the pain. 

Once was a stab now only stung, 

you have created this monster I have become.

Gift

If you give them wings and teach them how to fly, 

you cannot be sad when they don’t look back 

as they disappear into the sky.

You just have to decide 

     whether you will be there at all, 

when they get scorched by the heavens

    and begin to fall. 

Perhaps you can just watch them die 

and then teach someone else to fly. 

For teaching is your reason to live. 

flight is the gift you have to give.

Feed

 Sitting in time watching it flow by me.

Learning what is important by the omens I see.

Getting lost in the moment, Moving past my needs.

Living for the present, I have planted the seed.

The clock once made me it’s prisoner, now I am freed. 

Breathing in Adventure no need to take heed. 

With my eyes to the heavens, hands raised, deep I breathe.

And I scream to the darkness, never again will I feed.  

                                                               -XZanthia

Creative

my whole life,

I have been surrounded by death.

it has given me a dark sense of humor 

and interest. This is reflected in my art. 

This is my coping mechanism. 

I am not traumatized, I am creative. 

                                                          -XZanthia

Loved you

I took your  pain, You took my heart 

You swore that we would not be apart.

However you left with the first passing breeze.

For you where my focus, my desire to please. 

With empty promises made, 

I have learned to be afraid,

Of allowing lust to turn into trust.

Now I see that my investment was foolish,

Luckily this is a sea full of fish. 

So once again I throw out my net,

And I hope to find myself a pet,

That will be loyal, committed and true. 

And that will love me as much as I loved you. 

                                           - XZanthia 

Foggy morning reflection

 I look at myself in the mirror, and through the morning dew I see the space in between my laughter and the torment of my childhood that made me the being that I am, barely standing before you with an aura of strength.

Tremors

     I have consumed myself in the study of religion. They’ve all made me equally happy, which also means they’ve left me equally unhappy. As incomplete as I entered. People question these parts of me, perhaps me more than most. But I have a complicated past with spirituality. As much of a child of science as I am of witchcraft. 

     There are tremors that surround us, like the sustained notes of a song. Hidden vibrations. Some may be more tuned to them than others. What is it that the chosen must do? Endure uniqueness? to be alien, rejected, embraced for being different? To be disenfranchised from those around you, isn’t that the most dreadful curse? To be different, to be powerful, is that not a defined gift? To be alone, to be seeking another who shares your rarity. Then you would not be in solitude. A tribe, a family. Then you’re no longer unique. Nor are you alone. 

Channeling voices

I was cursed with poetry very young, cursed with unrealistic expectations. Sometimes you mis the facts but you kept catch the truth.

We should control our reality, not allow our reality to control us. But sometimes you’re compelled. What compels you?

Sometimes the truth in your eyes, clouded white could be the death of your mother. I would wish to get close to you, but the wind would blow you away. So I watch you through the glass. Sometimes rubbing sand in my eyes is more desirable than seeing you like this. Scarred by your own admission. Ceremony to show your growth. Your individuality, your freedom. Those closest to you, may love you in a way that they would do anything to save you. But I, I love you in a different way. I love you enough, to kill you. From the ashes you shall rise, with a new sense of who you are.

I don’t remember clouds when we were young, were there any? How far can we swim? As far as we can. When we got there, What would we do? Everything. I’m afraid, aren’t you always afraid?

    May life never tear apart what death combines. One day I’ll tell you my story. Then you’ll see the whole picture. You may feel that it is beautiful, but that’s only the surface. It’s perfect in its dimensions. Within it’s imperfection. In it’s disease. Then you all awaken. With that you became this thing of my creation.  Non-binary, with even larger wings than before.
     I gave it a name, as a witches spell, with a name comes life. Sometimes dying is like just going out of focus. For a while. In one eye. I put mirrors behind the eyes so that it could see although it was dead. And I got it, and a way that you always would, but it in a way that you never could. Because when I did, it was forbidden. My secret in the maze. Like so many others, from so many others. The beautiful misery of it. Sometimes you have to act crazy just so that people Believe that you’re sane. Restrained by your own actions, simply to prove a point. In this asylum, with this hysteria. Bathed like a slave of the crucifix. Am I clean? Is this what you want? To be bathed in my tears and cut off all my hair. For me to lose my identity as I take your name. Become your property. Oh how I long for the lobotomy. To be released from this rachet self awareness. The only way to remove the mirrors from behind your eyes. I lost myself in this moment, enjoying the terror of it. I should’ve chased you into the maze, for then I saw the entire future. You were not survive out there in the world, you were too weak. I love you for your weakness. Your weakness makes you perfect. But I’ll let you go, as anyone should With a beautiful butterfly. To not Tadder your wings. But you will not make it, and it is it my fault? To give you the freedom to make the choice, rather than confining you. The freedom to fly, even if into The light that burns you. It’s your choice. Perhaps if I warned you of the danger, your path would have been diverted. But is it my place? And if I did speak the words, would you listen? Or would it just create bars between us? And if you were a dead thing, shall I keep you then? Placing mirrors behind your eyes, giving your name, to bring you life? Then with that life be mine? Would you take my name? Become my possession? You could shut the door at any time, but will you? You’ve always been drawn to the deep ocean. But can you swim? If the waves spoke, would you listen? Would you bother to try to learn their language so you could learn the lesson?

No matter how much you try to protect yourself with spikes on the outside, you can still get eaten from the inside.

Sometimes you can just sit in the window looking cute until you die from neglect.

You remember when you grow in the desert there’s not a lot of moisture, so it doesn’t benefit you to grow a big flower.

Sometimes you might not have any trouble at all flowering in a bone dead climate. Sometimes you have the liberty of enjoying your surroundings enough that you can Enjoy the things you see, not knowing what they are.
You can just hang out there for another thousand years, don’t worry I’ll be back later.

 Time is important when you’re dying, not when you’re tripping. You can consume flowers if you’d like to devour the essence. The bargain section can always get hectic. sometimes you got to wear a helmet when you go in there, it gets hot. often a college student with a septum ring will lecture you on how you’re living your life. you can buy the ingredients to cure coronavinous  grants or make a bomb what you do is up to you. You can put it in your ass, just light it on fire before you put it in your ass. There’s nothing like a bunch of PhD stabbing them self over some processed cheese. You got a love this. Better that than people that do not believe in evolution. Individually packaged.  forbidden rice, What is that all about? Makes me feel that it’s a bit erotic. I want to take a bath in it. they are filled with hate like most people. But they’re relatively passive about it. if you shoplift from life they will take you in the back and take your portal ride and then shove your face into the concrete. I hope you enjoyed it. Have a nice life. I love the explosions. Right before you’re going to burst out into tears you can enjoy the scars Of the suburban folks embracing their ability to be awake. enjoy the air, it may not always be free. The journey is enjoying it. Fuck it it’s all plastic. I haven’t been this in exhausted and enjoying it in a long time. let’s see if I can make it to the top and don’t die.  when I die I hope you remember other parts of me pardon me,
Not only the tiny tree, you like that sacred geometry? My bonsai, I like reckless situations when the favor is in my direction.  if no one sees your trash, most people feel there’s no reason to not leave it. How would your mom feel about that?  I really enjoy my habitat, sometimes it’s like a strange sex toy. A little bit of vibration a little bit of pain. just before you want to vomit and take a nap. I’m hungry.  sometimes your flowers make you look like you’ve had bit of a rough night. in the end anything primal is always the destination. Often you find yourself hiking uphill in the desert against the sun’s rays hoping that you’re not going to die. Only then you find enlightenment. Everything‘s got that weird shape. You can’t escape the hedges, they’re everywhere. Actually they’re kind of remarkable. Like the Betty Crocker of botany. Apparently very tolerant of climate change. Poop The basis of everything is serpentine.  so you know when it’s hot and humid in hot as balls outside and you’re very uncomfortable, it’s good to know that you have a place that you can bathe your soul.  I’d like to show you something if you’d let me, and please indulge, how long did it take you to evolve? It’s almost obscene. Fuzzy. Different variations of you. The ocean is deep and so is your shit, but luckily I can swim. those are just the fruits maturing. I don’t care how you do your payment, but as long as you’re tied to a brick and throw it through the window or whatever, as long as we receive it we have been mowing your glass grass for over a decade and we’d like to know that you’ll take responsibility for your own actions. this is not a threat, it’s just a stream of consciousness.

Would you like to have an adventure? Now? Because is there any other time?

These life experiences have left me equally happy. Which also means they left me equally unhappy.

When someone asks you what type of music you like, there truly asking you who do you want to be at this moment?