KickStarter :)

I have created a new kick starter account to get my new ideas for artwork and projects off the ground. Here is the loose dialogue that I have put together for my next project. : 

Well hello, my name is Xzanthia and I have been an artist and most every sense of the word sense, well, I guess as far back as I can remember. I have done most every form of art from photography and filmmaking to writing and what I'm coming to kick starter for, painting.

I would like to generate a large body of artwork to bring to next years burning man festival and do a beautiful presentation. If you haven't heard of burning Man you should Google it. It is a large artistic extravaganza. For of many influential artistic individuals from all over the world and most any genre and probably many genres that you never even thought existed.

I would like to expand my theme camp this year and create a large geodesic dome that is covered with a yet to be created body of artwork.

I plan to make one painting every week until August 2014. And I would like your inspiration on ideas as well as the funding to make my dream a reality. I have a full woodshop here at my studio where I actually create the surface for each painting. I do not paint on canvas, I tend to make wooden boxes so the paintings last longer and are less likely to become damaged overtime. 

It is the combination of these two things that I need your help for. Not only is the cost of attending burning man exorbitant. As well as the transportation cost of not only myself but my artwork. I also would lack The funds to build the show structure itself and for supplies to create the masterpieces.

I once that was a very established painter. Even owning a art gallery for seven years in downtown Denver. Which was called gallery XZanthia. My pieces have sold all over the world and even Sid Hague from Rob zombie movies and Trent Resner or himself from 9 inch nails have some of my artwork hanging in their house. However the last 10 years mediocrity has slowed my productivity to a hold. Mainly because finances have taken presidents.

I am dedicating the next year to my arts, and starving in the process. This is where I have come to kick starter for help and this is what I'm offering for those of you that participate.

For a five dollar donation you can be part of the creative process. You can email me a idea once a week and I will go through these ideas and pick the ones that I feel best fit what I'm trying to accomplish. 

For a $50 donation you not only get to be a part of the creative process by emailing me your ideas but I will also send you a 17 x 24 print of the artwork of your choice. 

For a 500 donation to be part of the creative process and I will mail you A 17 x 24 printed on canvas Limited addition painting of your choice autographed by me.

For a $1000 donation you get to be part of the creative process and you can pick one of my 8 x 10 original pieces that is handpainted by me. As well as two prints 17 x 24 of your choice.

For a $3000 donation you can get to pick of any of my body of artwork. As well as be part of the creative process and three prints of your choice 17 x 24 on Canvis.

And finally for a $5000 donation you get to give me absolute communication of the artistic direction of the painting that I paid for you individually. You can pick the size, shape, and content within my abilities as an artist. 

I will have up the numerous sizes and shapes of the paintings that I will be working on. 

I will have a secret webpage where only the individuals that donate to my kick starter can see what I'm working on. Anybody else can only see them if they actually come to my art show at burning man. After burning Man In August 2014, I will then put all of my artwork up on my website for all to view and purchase.

Thank you very much for wanting to be involved and happy bidding! 

Getting rolling.

It often seems that the creative juices flow all at once. Often unless I push the damn through the images inside never manifest into words written. For so long the bundled up energy of inspiration within my core feels as it is going to burst. Only with creation in the tears that run down my cheeks in the bitter sweet inspiration am I able to release these desires in any form upon the world. I always feel a reluctance towards the release which I must fight through. But once pushed aside be creative juices flow more abundantly than ever before. There was a time when I was more prolific than any of my peers, however be it that my age of the mid 30s I feel that I could be much further. Much of a life has gotten in the way of my true living. I have many inspirations that have been set aside for Monday and duties. For this sad reality my heart pounds with anxiety. I know that there is much more. I am aware of my true potential. So to step forward towards my goals with not allowing mediocrity too damn my creative river, I must move forward. So move forward I do, constantly in a reminder of all possibilities yet rendered.

Great escape.

I'm collecting back on the pieces of me. It seems that I have forgotten my own lessons. So with my solitude in the woods I begin to relearn them. 

I was thrashed too hard into this reality, so shattered pieces were all that was left of me. How many times did I have to be burned, before I finally would have this lesson finally learned. Giving too much till I am empty. Perhaps giving too much empathy. Focusing on others when I should focus on myself, embracing my weaknesses and manifesting self-doubt. If I stay here this'll be my fate so now I plan my great escape.

Makeshift reality.

This makeshift reality that tries to embrace me is ripping at the seams. 

No reality can truly embrace me. The matter how real it seems.

Often have seen many things I wish not to mention perhaps other worlds perhaps dimensions.

I often have been swept away but I always come back, even if the world's start to show cracks.

Crossing realities visions to dreams, knowing the world is not always what it seems.

Excepting hallucinations as possible education. And embracing all types of absolute sensation.

Never absorbing narcotics for reasons recreational or re-creational i've never had the need. For perhaps before my birth I had already had the seed.

So matter where I am and no matter what I see I will always hold onto this makeshift reality. 

Crippling demon.

There was a time when I was at peace and my words were as prolific as they are now.
However there was a being that had stolen this ability from me.
And for years I allowed this crippling mentality to infiltrate my ability to express.
This demon came to me which I shall not given name had placed me an arrest,
where I was in much distress, and fought so hard to be free.

I would grip my fist so tight that my palms would begin to bleed
as my nails dug deeper and deeper into them as to plant a seed.

My tears in my heart pounding as the thumb of this being suppressed
with this i regress as my love of life was my only company as I tried to conquer the strife.

Even years after the demon was destroyed and passed on to other worlds,
it's an infection still embraced my every action whiten this girl.
The fear of inability to communicate among other things had placed me in a jail of self-pity.
I had digressed to express any sign of individuality.
This demon was a human that subjugated my reality for only a short time.
And with this it had taken all that was mine.
It's seem to relish in my personality,
and this is what it tried to take from me.
For years I felt that it did succeed,
for to express myself I had no need.

As time is past is coming back fast to bite,
even though it's been years,
and so many tears.

To win this fight, to bring back the light,
to once again truly see to gain all the pieces with all my might,
that make me end my fears.

If you knew me before you may have wondered did i bend,
I had a broken heart that took time to mend.
And with this demon man as a monster,
I now realize this vasoon was meant to occur.
For what does not kill us, makes us stronger.

Do not fall in love with me without full comprehension.

Don't fall in love with me because you think you know who I am,
the complexity of my personality far out reaches the understanding that you are able to encompass.
Dive into the abyss of my mindless ramblings to gather a image of what makes all this.  
There are more pieces to this girl then bricks that built all the cultures around the world.
and is you sought after this information as these cultures many are thought
to be Myths and buried among ages of forget.

Do not fall in love me with me because you think you know who I am.
All you see is the skin of the mentality that I desire to release into eyes viewing of withen.
Thoughts profound encompass all that is aware then tread into the depths thay could me missed
of all that I have not discussed with my heart and my fist.

As space is endless my viewpoints place me is a state,
of all things surrounding, that once absorbed, can relate.

Two maintain a constant normality obstructs my ability to move on.
Then to truly perform in this society that has become our Babylon.

Do not fall in love with me because you think you know who I am,
for I am encompass as much darkness as I delight in the light,
Unless you truly are capable of unconditional love, your mind I will bend,
you may sit on the sidelines and simply admire as you try to comprehend.

Perhaps my empathy has become a disease,
for It has created dis-ease in the sense that I understand whats in me,
perhaps more then a human should without crossing the lines of insanity.

I have tried into waters deeper than many ever we desire to travel and soar.
I've played with the darkness and desired to learn more.
I have come to the light and danced and it's Beams,
l have came to this earth and lived through extremes.
One with the oceans rivers and streams.

Do not fall in love with me because you think you know who I am.
Although I will never be your enemy I will also never be your family.
I am the enigma that you can only see the corner of your eye.
And your comprehension I will defy however I will never lie.
You may feel that this is not said with much modesty,
all that I have to offer is absolute honesty.

Our mothers arms

To surround myself in nature's wonder,
rain or shine are terrible thunder.
There's nothing to fear when nature is near,
because her protection will always be here.

To live in the belly of a common fire
and to feel the calmness as you raise the flame higher.
To embrace all its pieces is my desire,

to allow this purity to encompass, to surround me to engulf me,
to travel into the wilderness with no compass,
knowing that wherever I pass not be a miss
because that is my path that was on my unwritten list.

Our journeys path although not always clear,
is always here despite our fears.

Although we may get off her path we will get back on,
every dawn to move toward the ultimate you.

To live in the world of karma traveling through mountains, valleys, and farms
and away from harm, not ever asking for more,
if your heart is pure you always fall into your mothers arms.

Hopeless thoughts of a mindless wonder.

Perhaps much in my mind are hopeless thoughts of a mindless wonder.
There are so very many subjects in this world to ponder.
And I may forever wonder what is yonder,

And the Road less traveled may always be fonder.

There may be a time to waste
as there may be a place
to discover things with less haste.

But the places here in the time is now
for me to learn truly how.

To get away from mind masturbation, and truly learn the word liberation
to escape from all the mutilation, of our societies education.

I've always had this need to believe my words onto this this book,
to give the world a final look at what it took
to give that final hook and sinker to a ultimate thinker.

In this world I truly see so much beauty,
all that surrounds me,
into encompasses has become a need.

The gift of knowledge that I have gained is my greatest feature
to step out into the world and become a teacher
to raise my arms up but not to force my thoughts on you as a preacher.

But simply the expression of knowledge is power,
and to do this most every waking hour,
is always been a natural flow of my life's road,
and communication is the only true code.

So if my words have focus or drift into the darkness
I hope you do not feel that your time reading is a mess,
for the thoughts roll off my tongue into your ear so please don't fear
that although some may be dark the light is always near.

The awareness of solitude.

What is the level of appreciation given by one's chosen isolation.  Not only the appreciation of oneself but the true appreciation of all that surrounds us. Only when in solitude can one truly see the world for what it is. Not that solitude is the cure for the fog that society blinds us, However the liberation of its grasp is greatest when your acceptance of time much needed to reflect is given. As I find myself in isolation that I directed this moment of my life and I can truly hear the sounds around me smell the world that encompasses me and have the feelings that the noise of the world would overshadow. With this creates the ability to reflect. Perhaps something lost in our people of this age. With the all too common hustle bustle of our world most tend to lose ourselves without even realizing that we have been absorbed. Without the ability of reflection perhaps one cannot truly understand their personal evolution. With the reflection becomes the understanding of the world and our true place in it. Many great cultures and religions created a situation such as a walkabout to Gain a full understanding of oneself, your spirituality, perhaps the gifts that would be given to you on the astral plane that cannot be received any other way. Only when the world is silenced and our anxiety drops can we then truly hear the message that the world is giving us. Much of our humanity is overrun by zombie type mentality that encompasses the masses and helps most no one. The only sense of benefit of this mentality is that of the hierarchies of society that gain by having minions do their dirty work so they may live up to the expectations of their true nature. Much of this is proven in our universities. Those who may not be aware that their schooling is thus of the creation of a slave rather than a master. Many of universities never expand any knowledge of how to truly hold one's own. But rather devote one's life to the man. Life in Babylon has been both beautiful and crippling, depending on your awareness level of all that is offered. Although it truly does have its benefits, it's elements are numerous and often hidden beneath a beautiful exterior. Spirituality entered into religion is both the greatest gift and the greatest handicap of our evolution as a species. The origin of religion which was spirituality has grown into a corrupt system around the world of mass control and more often than not, genocide. Separations from these things that have created such hate for the immense ignorance of the masses among our societies and people around the world has been the most defining factor of our absolute solitude.

A time for communication.

A lot of time has pursued since my last blogger post. There was a time when I often posted my thoughts, visions, ambitions and desires. As well as my studies and occurrences of my life. However it seems that life has gotten in the way of my recording of this thing that we call life. But here i am, working towards my goal of maintaining constant records of my life's situations and thoughts. This is now a introduction into what will become a in-depth view of different levels of my mentality that will be found nowhere else on the web. For those of you interested I very much do appreciate your feedback. Many cannot get past my images to have any further understanding into the personality that it is that makes XZanthia. However, for those of you who do have a passion for knowledge, experience, and understanding, not only of me and my beliefs and not even of the world how i see it, however just in general, I do appreciate any comments that you may have on any subjects that I post. And by doing this, I will then see if there is a world of individuals that still hold a desire for actually understanding their peers and friends. There was a time on my space where I often blogged, and gained much insight into my friends by their responses and blogs. However that time is long past since the age of Facebook. So now I awaken blogger, not only for the benefit of anyone listening, but also for the benefit of my personal release.

Been Busy

I am loving life! getting my car fixed. Its been 2 months. Clutch went out. Been organizing and totally remodeled our Video Editing office with Art. Got a new Apple Video Editing Sweet... Been busy and taking advantage of the warm weather.

A Fresh Start

Every year is a fresh start. Some take the ability for conscious change further then others. I have always made it a point to become better, more efficient and with each coming year. This New Years was very special. It was on a Blue moon. Which will not happen again till 2028. This is also the start of a new Decade when I am not 3 Decades old. 3 is a sacred number. The Triad is very special to me personally.
I have several new years? resolutions. I have started by cleaning my home and my body. I have thrown away many unneeded items over the last few weeks. I have been regularly active both in exercise and out door activities. Tomorrow I am going to work on my new painting more. It has perhaps been over a month. I must be balanced with my internet life and this of actual living. I will be checking my mail as often as I can in my very many Social Networks. However it is always best to communicate with me through my main email, XZanthia@Gmail.com, which I will check about once a week. I also would like to write some poetry. It has been all to long. Bring that I now have a great new L Lens for my Cannon 20D, I will be both modeling as a friend shoots me with my camera and doing more Photography. I need to generate more of a income and I will be doing this mainly with my Photography. However once I get the ability once again to do Video Editing and get my office back together for business use I will be making short films and music videos.
It is still in Arthur and I?s plan to move to Colorado come June-July. We will be returning to do X Bash, however it is time for a change. I do not like to be in the same place doing the same things for a extended amount of time without success. It is time to move on. After 2012 unless we have a surprise, we would like to start a family.
I will be keeping better track of my life, goals and accomplishments by not only keeping a regular journal, but taking photos and video journals as well. I have done this in the past. However when I returned from Colorado I was in a type of Depression for years and then in 2 not so pleasant relationships. Now that I feel things are on the up and up, I will be more apt to keeping such a log.
Today I spend the first part of the day organizing all the files in my computer. Tossing all the unneeded ones. The second part of the day was spent totally revamping the kitchen. I empted out all the cabinets and tossed a ton of stuff. I did the drawer a week ago. I put up a shelf and furthered a part of my kitchen remodeling that needed to be done for about 3 or 4 years. There is still more that needed to be finished, but it is a start.
The Bathroom still needs to have the tiles put down and the bathtub put in. I live in my nudist resort and I have no way to bathe inside. So with the cold well on its way, this will suck immensely. Also my car must be fixed. It is a clutch problem but not totally sure what the problem is yet. Money is very tight so these actions are slow. However sill steady progress.

Good Morning.

It has been a while since I have used this site. I kinda forgot about it. I have been using my www.XZanthia.com website to post Blogs. Have you seen my website?

I put a Spell on you, but I spelled it wrong…

I put a Spell on you, but I spelled it wrong…
So it did not work..

So I guess that being a witch is out.. LOL.. I have friends constantly telling me that I need spell check, but you should see it before I run it through Microsoft word! Lol.. and many people send me very rude letters saying how ignorant I come off because of my spelling. It really sucks. I have too many thoughts to run past a proof reader. They are to much, to often, to fast flowing. This could be a full time job! LOL.. Perhaps I do need someone.. hmm.. any of you volunteer? I really do not want to come of ignorant, that is not my intention at all. My excuse is that I was mainly homeless with my mom till age 11. No time for school. I have spent the years after playing catch-up.

Green Lights and Red Flags

Green Lights and Red Flags

I am at a new part of my life. I truly feel the edge of the cliff of my old life at my heels as I free fall into my new one. I am now beginning to see all my hard work and effort beguine to pay off. I can now see my life as chapters.
Chapter 1 – (Birth – 11) “Childhood” - Living with my mom, traveling all over the country.
Chapter 2 – (11 – 15) “Becoming” - Living with my father, finding who I am.
Chapter 3 – (16 – 19) “Discovery / Depression” - Finding love, Dating, Growing into my own. Understanding people and there actions and reactions for the first time. Loosing myself in my thoughts and not knowing how to control the depth of which I go.
Chapter 4 – (19 – 22) “Weakness / Freedom” – Understanding my needs and desires while still a victim to my weaknesses. Becoming the public identity of (XZanthia).
Chapter 5 – (22 – 27) “Structure / Stability” – Living in Denver, Building the art community and gallery. Pulling together what it is that makes me tick. Seeing my path more clearly.
Chapter 6 – (27 – 29) “Separation / Solitude” – Denying my human desires for fear of the heart. Hurt by people I retreated into my own world.
Chapter 7 – (29 - ?) “Apprehension / Self Awareness” – wounds not healed, however willing to go back in the battle field believing I can win this war. Dating again. Loosing myself in relationships and rediscovering what I already knew. Becoming more productive and getting a better grasp on my passions.
Chapter 7 (Continued) “Organization / Understanding” – Where I am at now is that I am starting to embrace who I am and what I am truly looking for. Understanding the act of will is only as strong as ones true desire. Living in the “Now”. Learning to let go, move forward, truly learn and better myself and better structure my future.
Chapter 8 – (30s) “Converging” – I will hope to ether find my life partner or except that my life, like my parents will be full of 3 year relationships. Either way I would love to travel, study, be self sustaining and have a child.
Chapter 9 – (40s) “Family / Adulthood” – What ever that is, LOL…

I can feel that this is going to be a long blog. I have had a whole lot on my mind in the last week. It is as I think several thoughts at any given moment. Only when I show my mind enough to form them into constructive sentences to be translated by the public can I beguine to understand what I am truly thinking.
Writing this way is a powerful way to know ones self, as well as having others understand you. And in there comments, you can understand them. But that is simply there public comments. Being that I choose to live my life in the open, I am vulnerable to much public criticism. O and I do get it. I am just as human as the next person, and I am judged for it behind my back. This is life and just the way people are. I accept this. There is a part of me, with every action, feel the paparazzi at my door. I can now read the headlines. I understood this when I was becoming a public Icon and I embrace the positive and negative sides. I am human and just want friends, want to understand and be understood, love and be loved. I need to be allowed to change and shift gears. I need to be understood as a true artist, and only then can I not let anyone down.
In my time I have gathered many great friends on many different levels. Some breeze in and out with the passing wind, others stay by my side for years and others still come and go, but we never loose our connection. Forever connected. I feel forever bonded to everyone that touches my life in any kind of a substantial way. What I mean by this, anyone who takes the time to know me. It seems to start there. Then I reciprocate.
With this I have had numerous men use “work” as a way to get close to me, becoming angry if I don’t choose them romantically. This hurts and angers me. They become harsh in words and actions, letters and blogs when I put my attention on anyone but them. Be it male or female, romantically or otherwise. This obsession is one of the big reasons why I stopped dating/seeing people all together. It least if I was abstinent it was not “them”. But now this year since I have been having the desire to feel love again, I am being punished by these men who have posed as my friends, just waiting for there chance with me. This bothers me a great deal, and I wish it not to be so. It does not matter that I do not flirt, speak openly on my level of interest on them or even if I digress from intense interaction friendship for fear of leading them on.
Since I have been back in Florida I have been rediscovering who I am and what it is that I am looking for in this life. I have almost become 14 years old again, fearful of the fall but wanting to fly. I am sure that all of life is this way, this forever morphing orb of emotion and actions. Doors will forever be opened and closed, if we want them to or not. We will always have times of greatness and times of squallier. Acts of will are only as strong as ones true desire. Denying ones true desire for fear is not a action of will. Fear is there as a guideline, not a wall, life is a river with many twists and turns and although a 30 foot water fall could be just around the bend, it does not matter now, for we are enjoying the ride. And once you fall, there will always be calm waters ahead. Yes we know this, we are intellectual beings, but more then this we are emotional beings chemically addicted to sensation, be it positive or negative.
Living in the eye, and being recognized is a lesser level to getting my work out there and being known as my name is beginning to carry weight. Having the look that I do publicly it attracts much attention, some desired, some not. However it all levels out. I understand that sex sells and if it weren’t for my looks it would be harder to get to where I am in my career. However it does come with its downfalls. This is why I have “Married” on my profile. As well as the constant statement of not being interested in romantic involvement. That is why I often find it strange when a couple put on there profile that they are single, it’s that they are keeping there options open. People believe that I am silly for using myspace stats to understand people and there intentions. But it is there public skin. It shows there true level of contentment. That is why even when single, I never put single on my profile. I do not want to be put on the market, even if I am truly on the market. I am not up for the highest bidder. I am not an idem, a trophy or a notch on a belt. I am a emotionally passionate person who’s driving force is love of all that this life has to offer without hurting those around me or myself. . I am only interested in a life partner, but how can I get one if I am afraid of dating. It like I want to become a fish but I am scared of the water. Well, my ruling planet is Venus. So I am ruled my love. My love for art, community, people and family as well as our earth and knowledge. I am immensely passionate and communicative. Powerful and intimidating. I am aware of who I am and my projected persona. I live in my head so much it is sometimes hard to understand those around me from who they really are and not the idea of them I made up to comfort me. Only with open communication, “no holds bar” without feeling or making others feel interrogated, can this come to a full and true understanding. Only when you totally understand a situation can you embrace it. I mean this in all of life. I feel it with the resort, My art, Career, Desires, Self awareness and love.
It is strange how people react and how you react to them. It is strange how your narcissism can be your defeat. Your ego your downfall. Only when you submit yourself to the situation and become vulnerable, can you truly understand it for what it is, but when you show a hungry wolf your throat don’t be surprised if it takes the opportunity, it’s simply in the creatures nature. We must except this and still offer our selves to the pack in all our weakness, if they do not devour you, you become one of them and can run with the pack.
When I, like so many bloggers, write, I can not be to personally directed towards any one subject or person. I must be vague but direct, not condescending but understood and in the same breath, I can more parse any one person or situation for the feelings of others as well as the change that could occur and most often will throughout life which makes one who writes passing thoughts and feelings seem like they are going back on there word. Emotions will blind us into submission. We will give in if we are not strong to understand and move through wide eyed and bushy tailed.
Life is so beautiful, at ones the greatest gift and curse is our consciousness. Some of us are more awake to them selves as well as those around us. Others choose to live in a type of a fog, and kudos to them, I can’t do it, it does not desire me to do so. There is too much that this life has to offer to loose myself in drugs, emotion, happenstance and other people’s desires.
Love life, live in the moment, live for the future, don’t let people brake you, forever move forward, learn not from only your mistakes but from the mistakes of others and don’t loose yourself in day-to-day bullshit that does not matter in the grand scheme of things. Be selfish, but in a freely open and giving way to all that touch you. We are born alone, and we die alone. We walk by the side of others during different times of our life, but perhaps we can never truly embrace someone, engulf them, become one in unity. We are forever two separate bodies and souls. Only connected by that which we desire to be connected on the level of our choosing. Only with communication and vibration can we ever hope to grasp what we truly desire. Be that on any level of love, life and happiness. One thing to say / read the words, another to embrace and follow. I am still working on convincing myself.

Going with the flow

Going with the flow
May 22, 2009
It can be difficult to go with the flow, and not wish to fight the current, for you may fear the jagged rocks that may lay ahead, we all dream of calmer water, but life is a river, not a lake, and perhaps calmness is a dream to forever be unrealized. We are along with the ride if we like it or not, so we might as well enjoy it.
I can start to feel myself getting back in gear, back in the groove, back in the needed pattern of things. It is the simple things that hold your life together and have it make sense. For me it’s eating consciously, exercising and doing yoga, being in and working with nature, having the time and ability to detail my body every morning. Studying and writing journal entries and Poetry. Doing art and having time to my self as well as time with people I care about.
The last 2 weeks to a month has been a eye opening experience. As soon as you understand the path, there is a unexpected fork in the road. Cautiously we can choose to take this fork being fully aware of the positive and negative twists and turns it could hold. But being just as unsure of the path that you are on, and the silent promises of the unknown path beckon.
I wish I had more discipline for my art. I really wish to complete more of it. However promotion of my resort and the events to bring artists out here seem to over power my time, as it is more of an addiction then a need. And I will defend it.
The last week I have had my friend Alex here, he has been crashing in my office on the futon, so that has been keeping me from going in there every morning and starting on the internet, therefore sucking in my entire day. That has been a nice and needed change from what I have been at for the last week. I was on here every day from day brake till past midnight. Just getting through my comments can take all day. But I do not mind, as long as people do not become upset if it takes me days or weeks to get back to them. I hate to loose my life to the cyber world.
Loving life, and longing for love, leaving loneliness, limiting lust and lighting the way to let in liberating living.

Life… Don’t tell Me about Life…

Life… Don’t tell Me about Life…

That was to quote the depressed robot from "Hitch Hikers Guide From the Galaxy." Not that I am at all depressed, but I understand how he feels. A depressed robot, a mass intellect that just can’t get past the way he was programmed. This is a very complex thought and statement. Ponder that for a while.
I have been very busy this week on the internet. I have been building Profiles to promote the community I am building as well as my own talents. I have not been spending much time checking Emails or Comments. I will get on that after this weekend. However I really want to continue painting more often. Today I made 3 more larger board box frames to paint new pieces. These are the largest that I have ever gone. It is time for me to take the next step. What is life without personal evolution?
I have been a constant flow of poetic interruption. More thoughts then I even have the desire or time to stop and put to paper. I just write a poem about one recent / fleeting thought that I did have time to put down. “A Playful Distraction” – (WordPress) (Blogger). I am just now starting to understand how those two sites work. People are telling me that with the amount that I blog I should be on a Blogging Site. But with all the tings that I do I do not know if another Profile is what I need. LOL.. Looks like you cant even put a link or HTML in Blogger. WordPress looks cool. I will continue messing with both. I really like how you can categorize everything in WordPress. And people just hop around both those sites to read blogs. I like that. Get my insanity out to more people. ;)
Before blogging or LiveJournal or any of that, I was an avid writer of my thoughts. I never went public, however I had considered publishing them. I am not a secretive or personal person. Most anything that I hold back is for the sake of other people. I don’t want to hurt anyone that reads my blogs by my actions or reactions in writing. The complexity of my thoughts only make sense when I stop and write them down. So this is mainly for me, however I do love that now because of the internet others can read and comment. This also gives those who care, some insight into who I am. More then the persona that they project on me from my image. The complexity of human emotion and thoughts is hard to confined in a mere article. For we are forever changing and different with every individual that we interact with. Well I know I am. Sometimes I am all wall, and sometimes all arms, but sometimes, a wall with arms.
This next week I will try to go through all the mail that I can in my different profiles. I am trying to redirect most “useful” mail to my XZanthia@Gmail.com account and the “comments” to the comments on my page. I get so many.. well just men hitting on me. Which I am not interested and only makes me want to dig the hole that I crawled in a bit deeper. Once I get through all my mail, I then want to learn how to use Gmial more effectively as well as Googles other features. In the middle of all this I want to paint! I really need to paint! Aaa! But this computer is like crack! And I use it for my dose of human interaction being that I do not go out that often. A part of me would like to change that, then the other part is like.. why?
Just today I received a shipment from a acquaintance in Denver of DVDs Documentary’s, like the ones that I have up on my MySpace Blog. I will be having LOTS OF Movie Nights at my resort coming up!
Now off to another page of a internal rant. Crushes suck. I don’t like to have them, and I do not like it when my friends have them on me. I seem to crush on men that are wayyy intimidated by me, so they run. They may never known that I was interested, because I will not allow anything to manifest for a year or more of friendship. So time, I have time. But it seems that they don’t even want to make the time to get to know me. I am not saying that this happens often, cause really it doesn’t. Its not like I am always crushing on some dork, but it happens enough that it has been on my mind. My friends that crush on me, well I really try to let them down with honesty and kindness. If that does not work I become cold and hard. Often it seems as men never get the paint. Perhaps it is that same way in woman. But once one of my “dorks” show me that they are not interested, I move on. This has only ever happened 3 times by the way. I normally am to busy for crushes. LOL. I know I am a lot to handle, and the type of guy that I desire can not handle me, so it seems as I get with these, “player” type guys. Now I know that several of my X’s read this and I am sure I will get several Texts. So I put in this disclaimer so that perhaps I will not. I do not mean “Player” in a cold, mean sense of the word. Just can’t think of a better word for it. Someone that is more into self gratitude and the excitement of new things. This is not at all a bad thing. It just needs to be addressed and understood within the individuals and partnership.
I have had several enlighten occurrences this past month that has made me a little more aware of myself, my feelings, my actions and reactions as well as my future. My father is showing me support as an artist and as part owner of the resort for the first time in my life. My father has always been hard on me. Using harsh words to brake me. Not being supportive and even not calling me for months-years when I was living in Denver. But now he is buying me art supplies, promoting and helping me. He believes in me. It is a strange feeling to have when being denied of it for so long.
My X, whom I am still very good friends with, just got married. I was suppose to go to the wedding and I felt so bad that I was in Cali. They are in Mexico for there honeymoon and with this whole swine flue thing, I am worried. Ari getting marryed only truly hit me on any kind of emotional level when I was on my FaceBook posting to my friends when I clicked on his Wife’s profile. I have written her in the past week congratulating her. However this time her main photo was them kissing at the wedding. I am happy for him, I am happy he found love. I am happy he has moved on from me and cut his hair. I will always love him, just don’t feel the desire to be in a relationship with him. He has come to me several times asking. I have distanced myself from him to not mislead or hurt him. He is a great man, and will make her a great husband. With our connection I never figured out why I did not feel the desire to stay. It was my choice, and I am happy that he has moved on. But at the same time it hurts. He is my first X that has tied the knot. And he is one that I will forever be soul connected.
I am desiring to write more often. I feel the need to create poetry, art and music. However I am feeling the desire to focus more then ever. I am almost 30 years old and in a kind of unfocused panic of desire to live up to my potential. So my father and I have been working on my goals. Placing them in order. Soon I will be putting all my progress in this up on my Blogs not only for me, but to help others better focus there life if they desire it to be so.
Two of my female friends contacted me within four hours of each other upset that I was commenting there boyfriends on MySpace. They both wanted me to delete there boyfriends. Nether was being rude to me, or saying that I had intentions. One said that he was talking to me so that he can spy on her or get her mad, the other did not like seeing me on her mans profile with my modeling pix. I 100% would delete them if I could. But after 600,000 friends, I can no longer search people by there name or the first letter.
I have felt lust. Nothing big, just enough to now know that I am single and a woman. Not sure if I would like to do anything about it, being that I know how my heart is connected to my intermit encounters. However I at times am bothered with this and I wish that I could enjoy life and another’s body without getting attached. This is very personal, however, if someone reads this long into a blog they deserve to know a bit more. ;)
Well with that being said, and now I’m on the 3rd page on the Word Document that I created to bleed my thoughts to you, I feel as I will end with this…

Life… Don’t tell Me about Life…

http://xzanthia.wordpress.com/
http://xzanthia.blogspot.com/

A playful distraction

If you stay,
I will not be able to remain a lady.

For the monster is knocking on my door.

You are a playful distraction, a need for an end.
This simple attraction, I wish to not apprehend.

I’m needy and I’m distant, I’m clingy and I’m calm.
I’m complicated but commutative, I’ve been right and I’ve been wrong.

I have felt love I thought to last and lust with a friend.
Acted on desires of emotion as the rolling of the ocean its difficult comprehend.
I have been chased and desired, used and thrown away.
Misunderstood, denied so now I keep these feelings at bay.
A desire for devotion, it’s my motion to this testament I defend
Then I tire of my morels and my will starts to bend.

So you see, if you stay,
I will not be able to remain a lady.

For the monster is knocking on my door.

So, you must go home,
Its not that I don’t want you here, it’s just better off if I am left alone.

It’s these human desires that my body requires.
This carnal nature wired, begins to inspire promises of haven.
I admire the unity but tire of these empty promises given

I have been here before, been bold, and I do wish to explore.
I feel your lore, It’s not that I’m cold, it’s just that I choose to ignore,
This monster knocking on my door.