Speaking on nitrous

For some reason when I think that I can try to speak like this I feel that I will not be able to. However once I am actually doing it I am aware of that my capability is greater than I once has conceived. Perhaps if you were to look at me I would look a lot more ridiculous than my ability to speak. However my ability to comprehend is still great and I can experience it externally. I am able to even do punctuation was talk to text. And previously I was unaware whether or not I would have the capability to do so. However even though perhaps writing is a difficulty ball in the state of mind. I am aware that speaking is not at all and able. Perhaps this is something that I have should have done long ago. I have always felt that this experience should be documented. And those around me have been uncomfortable with my desire to do so. So now since I am on my own I feel his desire to accomplish this. It is a feat that I feel should be explored and explained to those who may perhaps not be comfortable enough to explore this. I am aware that perhaps nothing I'm saying is profound, however it is a step into actually documenting experiences such as this. At the moment I have been doing nitrous. Perhaps nothing to the extent of others, however still a interesting experience to notes. With the few times I have experienced such feelings or psychedelic effects within the last few years, I've always wanted to document them. My thoughts often run so quickly in my mind that I would always be unable to correspond properly anchored to paper. However with the ability of talk to text I now have this capability to correspond my mentality to paper. Which is a great gift. I wish that I was able to do such things in the past. However the past is now just that, past and now I am able to, and I do appreciate this freedom. The freedom is given by the some polis city of the act that I am alone. I have no peers around me to tell me what I should or should not do with my experience. Which I appreciate. I do regret not having the ability to place onto paper my experience of the first few times I had dabbled in this mentality, I am sure that my mentality at that time was far different be at that it was the first. However now with the experience of dabbling further, I am perhaps tainted, and the novelty has worn off. Moments that once seemed profound, have not yet become routine, but have become known.

The rock and the river

I need a hug, for you to hold me, embrace me tightly and let me know it will all be okay. For although my exterior is that of a strong independent woman. Your embrace gives me the power to continue on. For without you is easier for me to slip out of my edges. Is your embrace the keeps me whole.

You are my rock, sturdy and strong, I am the river that flows through and around you. You are consistent and hard to mold, but not too stubborn, you allow my movement to smoothing your edges so our caress is not create turmoil in the water.

For although my movement may forever change the landscape around me, you stay strong and sturdy. A continuous element in my rumbling life. And for this I thank you. 

You give me a clear path in which to travel, and I help you upon your journey as well if you allow my entangle to move you.

For you are the earth that embraces my movement, and the stone that does not allow me to flow too quickly.

I am the river that flows through you, smoothing your edges and creating a slow but constant change. 

Together we never stagnate, forever evolving. Forever on this path together moving forward in a eternal embrace.

Manifestation

I am a true believer of manifestation. It is come to my awareness from many occurrences that this is reality. We manifest the things that we need most in our life at that time. Even the hurtful moments. For every door that closes another opens. If we stand with a blank look staring at the doors that have been shut in our face we may never come to the awareness of the others that have opened for us. I find each slammed the door as a Omen to seek the newly opened ones. To learn the lessons, and to advance. One can never move backward, so no need to dwell. Fourth moving is the only direction humanity is capable. So this must be our focus. Happenings of the past are a college course had. No matter how negative or positive, it has put us on the path towards what is right. With each detour from the rightful path, doors will be shot to get us back going the correct direction. People will often find themselves running into walls rather than allowing the natural movement of life's successes to take them along for the ride. Myself included. However I feel that I run into less walls than many of my peers. For I truly do see each slam the door as an opportunity to seek the newly opened ones. And as more doors are shut I am quicker to find the open ones. Advancing more quickly to new levels of my personal evolution.

With every occurrence in my life both negative and positive I have come out stronger. Even at times almost drowned in my own tears, from the ashes I come forth stronger than ever before. With each moment obstacles crumble and as the dust settles my path becomes more clear. My future becomes more apparent. My destiny becomes known. I am not meant for the things that have been taken from me. Four in reality, they have not been taken from me at all, I have been liberated of them. So that I can for fill my true potential.

The dust begins to settle

I feel as my life is in pieces shattered around me as I lay in the rubble. Dually inflicted from separate intense avenues. First of which for the last two weeks was intense drama between two couples that were living on our land, sanctuary earth. After I trying to reconcile their differences and create harmony and peace I was defeated by the anger and hostility that had approached to the epic climax that the police needed to be called but only three days ago. As the dust begins to settle from the emotional distress of that situation the cracks start to show in a opportunity life-changing. After much investigation, it had come to my awareness that a recent change that was placed on my table, that took me much time to decide whether or not I would even except this change. Upon my acceptance, it was taken away. False dreams were placed into me and solidified with false proof of its legitimacy. When the red flags started waving I found a backdoor into The truth. Upon finding the truth, my first action was to save the individuals that had followed me into this false light. Only after the dust could settle and speaking with the FBI, police, and many lawyers on this subject, could I then realize how deeply this head cut. During the duration of these two situations much of my life was put on hold. Like a large machine that had come to a grinding halt, I now must get the gears moving again. These experiences were not in vain, I am fully aware of the lesson taught in my case in particular. All arrows point to the reality that I must focus on my art. That was the apex I continuously returns to with each twist and turn. Wasting time is the number one thing that frustrates me to no end. It is something I could never retrieve. I must only move forward, never looking back but still learning from those experiences. These experiences are much more numerous and deeper than I am letting on, however my future has never been more clear now since the dust has settled.

Abilities of completion

One difficulty that I have always maintained throughout my life is the inability to create without peers.  Also with this I am in a constant state of seeking a mentor. Which I have yet to find one. I feel much as a creative child abandoned by my prolific artistic parents.  Forever seeking individuals to further my understanding of not only myself, my constant prolific needs, but also the ability to succeed. I am aware that life is a journey, and no matter to what level of success we gravitate to, their perhaps is always a unsettling feeling that we could accomplish more. Perhaps an individual such as myself is never meant to be satisfied. But this being said I am fully aware that I am far from encompassed my full ability at the age I have now reached. I have allowed certain aspects of my life to control and divert my path. I now perhaps later then a could have, am finally waking up and wiping the fog from my eyes. My mind has always been a constant treadmill of information and desires. Constantly aware that any ability that Eyeview I could accomplish. And this desire to accomplish constantly has fueled my every action. My need to be busy, has perhaps overwhelmed my need to be properly productive. There are two aspects that have been holding me back, one of which is that I need peers/mentors to work with/in Spier. The second of which is my sense of instability in my life. That things that I create could be lost in time by damage or the inability to store or probably maintain larger projects. I need not to think this way, but yet still to create. Social media devours much of my creative mentality. I utilize my time to communicate with others rather than be productive. I have recently become true to this realization, and now because I am aware I am able to redirect my path. I have realize that I have a constant need to be active and if my activity is directed towards promotion or communication that need for activity is fed. But not for field. I am only for filled if my time is being utilized with productivity that can then be viewed for hundreds of years. My desire to create is fueled by my fear of being forgotten. I feel that I have too much to offer individuals not only with my words or my art, but also with my full mentality and avenues of creative attack.

I often catch myself becoming inspired by most everything around me. Then perhaps wishing to re-create the feelings or emotions by that thus have inspired me. Because this is such a regular feeling, and so diverse and its completion, I often do not act on these feelings. And because of this I am in a constant state of unrest for lack of completion of things that ID possible for my being. I now at age 34 am rising to an apex of change in my perception of accomplishments and how to direct my attention to complete such tasks. Focus has always been an issue, I admire those individuals who have but yet one desire to complete my main desire is to complete everything. A mass intellect of creativity and communication and most every realm possible. I become inspired, my heart pounds, my eyes water and the excitement rises to a level when I know, not think, but know that I could not only do that which inspires me, but do perhaps a better job. But then I digress, for I do not, and then I am no better than just another talker with big dreams but not acting on them.

I have always seen life's accomplishments as three barrels of water child on top of each other. Floating in space with only a fourth of an inch separating them. No top, no bottom, but simply filled to the Gill with water and no gravitational pull to leak the water from one barrel to the next. I have always felt that I am in the bottom barrel. And now within the last few years at the top of the bottom barrel in a constant state of trying to seek ways to leave this space between to the middle barrel. And I for the first time now feel that I am aware of how to make the transition from the barrel that I now reside in to the next dimension. And it is something simple that I have always known before, however the realize Asian of the veil being removed from my eyes makes the ability to do so that more much more in evitable. I must remove the obstacles that ale me. The need for peers and mentors and the fear of in a stability. With this I will have the ability to actually, just do it. I already have a head up on many of my peers, I have the great ideas, but now to graduate to the next barrel, I must act on them. And that is my change of attention.  my focus will be on completion, although previously seemed a simple task and of which I was aware, always seemed just out of my reach of abilities. However now, I am able.

The need for permanence

Nothing is permanent, to be organic, to live, to evolve, things must be in a constant state of change and evolution. However, often change comes with a unsettling feeling of instability. This instability fear often drives people to a constant verbal abuse of individuals expectations as well as the community. Although this verbal abuse would out worldly seem positive, the inevitable change that will more often than not resume more painful than necessary. 

People more often than not curse himself with positivity as often as they do negativity. 

Executions of actions.

Being a catalyst of community for as long as I have, I have met many individuals that have shown a verbal desire towards leadership, however a inability to execute their own verbal ambitions. I have come to the sad realization that most, although intentions may be extremely good, their actual track record of completion is sparse. I am not aware of why this is, or how to work with these individuals. I have come to the awareness of 5 basic personality types in this way. The first of which and not necessarily the most popular, 

- The bystander: an individual that stands around as work is being done, perhaps trying to look busy, never taking initiative or asking what tasks need to be done. - - - The hider: the individual that attends the Trinity creation event, but then makes themselves extremely scarce physically by either simply not being around, or intentionally or unintentionally harming themselves or becoming ill so they are unable to complete tasks physically. 

- The talker: an individual with great ideas, verbal addition, and often high strong and has potential to be a great leader. However the execution of their ideas is often not followed through. As the hider, they often for one reason or another, often out of their own control are unable to complete tasks.

- The leader: someone who needs to constantly be in a state of development and movement. With problem solving skills. Someone who takes the initiative when they see a job needs to be done. Anything small from the point of simply picking up trash, to the completion of a project that has been voiced. Someone that follows through to completion of tasks given to them by others or themselves.

- The worker: an individual that has no need for leadership however it's always wanting to keep moving to get tasks completed. These individuals have a high work ethic and a desire to see productivity brought to completion. Although they may never take initiative to start a job on their own, they will ask For a task and follow it through to completion and continue this pattern until the workday is over.

I have also come to the awareness of several other outskirts personality types.

- The taker: an individual that offers nothing, and will only come around on the tasks are completed to wreak the benefit of the labor of the community.

- The hermit: although passive and Shy, this individual will complete any task given with perhaps never asking for help and never needing help. They are self-sufficient and would be a leader if they had a outgoing personality. Will be extremely productive on their own project, however not too interested in working with the community on community projects.

-

Actions speak louder than words, most individuals that I've come across talk a good talk, but are they able to back up their words? Do they take initiative? Are do they complete tasks? And if not, Why? I'm sure there is a plethora of reasons depending on the situation.

Gripping depression

I have always had a gripping depression, just beneath the seams. It has been like this for the entirety of my where existence. Sometimes they seem to bury it deeper and it only comes out when I have stayed still enough to let it catch up with me. I must remain in a constant state of motion. For it is always just behind me. Often I stay many paces in front of it. But it always catches up with me. They could be months between the times it touches me, and often its embrace even though cold maybe welcomes. For the familiarity of these dark emotions, can be as comforting as they are just concerning. With these calm great creativity, as many artists have been aware. Feeling so strong can only create such beauty if it is allowed to blossom to its full form. And although this can sometimes be destructive, being creative with the destructive element can be therapeutic. Because only when everything is destroyed, Ken new things come into be.

The sadness leak

The sadness has once again leaked inside me. 

Makes me wonder what this life is all about. 

Till the rain in my eyes is the only thing I can see. 

Makes me want to open the cracks to let the red water out. 

Constantly on the move from it 24-7

Knowing if I slow the sadness is just behind me. 

So I scream to the heaven,

For it to loosen its grip to set me free. 

Staying active still forever wired, 

I try to escape, but I find myself in the way. 

However Running has made me quite tired.

Even if I flee, here I stay.

I rant

And I plead for it to leave me be, 

But it can't, 

For the sadness is inside me. 

Dry my eyes from the river falls. 

I try to escape but the sadness calls. 

Drowning in unmarked sorrow not needed. 

Just leave me be I begged and I pleaded. 

For lovers we have been so long. 

Caressing my art, poetry and song. 

The sadness leaking is the key,

For it had leaked from inside me.