Gift

If you give them wings and teach them how to fly, 

you cannot be sad when they don’t look back 

as they disappear into the sky.

You just have to decide 

     whether you will be there at all, 

when they get scorched by the heavens

    and begin to fall. 

Perhaps you can just watch them die 

and then teach someone else to fly. 

For teaching is your reason to live. 

flight is the gift you have to give.

Feed

 Sitting in time watching it flow by me.

Learning what is important by the omens I see.

Getting lost in the moment, Moving past my needs.

Living for the present, I have planted the seed.

The clock once made me it’s prisoner, now I am freed. 

Breathing in Adventure no need to take heed. 

With my eyes to the heavens, hands raised, deep I breathe.

And I scream to the darkness, never again will I feed.  

                                                               -XZanthia

Creative

my whole life,

I have been surrounded by death.

it has given me a dark sense of humor 

and interest. This is reflected in my art. 

This is my coping mechanism. 

I am not traumatized, I am creative. 

                                                          -XZanthia

Loved you

I took your  pain, You took my heart 

You swore that we would not be apart.

However you left with the first passing breeze.

For you where my focus, my desire to please. 

With empty promises made, 

I have learned to be afraid,

Of allowing lust to turn into trust.

Now I see that my investment was foolish,

Luckily this is a sea full of fish. 

So once again I throw out my net,

And I hope to find myself a pet,

That will be loyal, committed and true. 

And that will love me as much as I loved you. 

                                           - XZanthia 

Foggy morning reflection

 I look at myself in the mirror, and through the morning dew I see the space in between my laughter and the torment of my childhood that made me the being that I am, barely standing before you with an aura of strength.

Tremors

     I have consumed myself in the study of religion. They’ve all made me equally happy, which also means they’ve left me equally unhappy. As incomplete as I entered. People question these parts of me, perhaps me more than most. But I have a complicated past with spirituality. As much of a child of science as I am of witchcraft. 

     There are tremors that surround us, like the sustained notes of a song. Hidden vibrations. Some may be more tuned to them than others. What is it that the chosen must do? Endure uniqueness? to be alien, rejected, embraced for being different? To be disenfranchised from those around you, isn’t that the most dreadful curse? To be different, to be powerful, is that not a defined gift? To be alone, to be seeking another who shares your rarity. Then you would not be in solitude. A tribe, a family. Then you’re no longer unique. Nor are you alone. 

Channeling voices

I was cursed with poetry very young, cursed with unrealistic expectations. Sometimes you mis the facts but you kept catch the truth.

We should control our reality, not allow our reality to control us. But sometimes you’re compelled. What compels you?

Sometimes the truth in your eyes, clouded white could be the death of your mother. I would wish to get close to you, but the wind would blow you away. So I watch you through the glass. Sometimes rubbing sand in my eyes is more desirable than seeing you like this. Scarred by your own admission. Ceremony to show your growth. Your individuality, your freedom. Those closest to you, may love you in a way that they would do anything to save you. But I, I love you in a different way. I love you enough, to kill you. From the ashes you shall rise, with a new sense of who you are.

I don’t remember clouds when we were young, were there any? How far can we swim? As far as we can. When we got there, What would we do? Everything. I’m afraid, aren’t you always afraid?

    May life never tear apart what death combines. One day I’ll tell you my story. Then you’ll see the whole picture. You may feel that it is beautiful, but that’s only the surface. It’s perfect in its dimensions. Within it’s imperfection. In it’s disease. Then you all awaken. With that you became this thing of my creation.  Non-binary, with even larger wings than before.
     I gave it a name, as a witches spell, with a name comes life. Sometimes dying is like just going out of focus. For a while. In one eye. I put mirrors behind the eyes so that it could see although it was dead. And I got it, and a way that you always would, but it in a way that you never could. Because when I did, it was forbidden. My secret in the maze. Like so many others, from so many others. The beautiful misery of it. Sometimes you have to act crazy just so that people Believe that you’re sane. Restrained by your own actions, simply to prove a point. In this asylum, with this hysteria. Bathed like a slave of the crucifix. Am I clean? Is this what you want? To be bathed in my tears and cut off all my hair. For me to lose my identity as I take your name. Become your property. Oh how I long for the lobotomy. To be released from this rachet self awareness. The only way to remove the mirrors from behind your eyes. I lost myself in this moment, enjoying the terror of it. I should’ve chased you into the maze, for then I saw the entire future. You were not survive out there in the world, you were too weak. I love you for your weakness. Your weakness makes you perfect. But I’ll let you go, as anyone should With a beautiful butterfly. To not Tadder your wings. But you will not make it, and it is it my fault? To give you the freedom to make the choice, rather than confining you. The freedom to fly, even if into The light that burns you. It’s your choice. Perhaps if I warned you of the danger, your path would have been diverted. But is it my place? And if I did speak the words, would you listen? Or would it just create bars between us? And if you were a dead thing, shall I keep you then? Placing mirrors behind your eyes, giving your name, to bring you life? Then with that life be mine? Would you take my name? Become my possession? You could shut the door at any time, but will you? You’ve always been drawn to the deep ocean. But can you swim? If the waves spoke, would you listen? Would you bother to try to learn their language so you could learn the lesson?

No matter how much you try to protect yourself with spikes on the outside, you can still get eaten from the inside.

Sometimes you can just sit in the window looking cute until you die from neglect.

You remember when you grow in the desert there’s not a lot of moisture, so it doesn’t benefit you to grow a big flower.

Sometimes you might not have any trouble at all flowering in a bone dead climate. Sometimes you have the liberty of enjoying your surroundings enough that you can Enjoy the things you see, not knowing what they are.
You can just hang out there for another thousand years, don’t worry I’ll be back later.

 Time is important when you’re dying, not when you’re tripping. You can consume flowers if you’d like to devour the essence. The bargain section can always get hectic. sometimes you got to wear a helmet when you go in there, it gets hot. often a college student with a septum ring will lecture you on how you’re living your life. you can buy the ingredients to cure coronavinous  grants or make a bomb what you do is up to you. You can put it in your ass, just light it on fire before you put it in your ass. There’s nothing like a bunch of PhD stabbing them self over some processed cheese. You got a love this. Better that than people that do not believe in evolution. Individually packaged.  forbidden rice, What is that all about? Makes me feel that it’s a bit erotic. I want to take a bath in it. they are filled with hate like most people. But they’re relatively passive about it. if you shoplift from life they will take you in the back and take your portal ride and then shove your face into the concrete. I hope you enjoyed it. Have a nice life. I love the explosions. Right before you’re going to burst out into tears you can enjoy the scars Of the suburban folks embracing their ability to be awake. enjoy the air, it may not always be free. The journey is enjoying it. Fuck it it’s all plastic. I haven’t been this in exhausted and enjoying it in a long time. let’s see if I can make it to the top and don’t die.  when I die I hope you remember other parts of me pardon me,
Not only the tiny tree, you like that sacred geometry? My bonsai, I like reckless situations when the favor is in my direction.  if no one sees your trash, most people feel there’s no reason to not leave it. How would your mom feel about that?  I really enjoy my habitat, sometimes it’s like a strange sex toy. A little bit of vibration a little bit of pain. just before you want to vomit and take a nap. I’m hungry.  sometimes your flowers make you look like you’ve had bit of a rough night. in the end anything primal is always the destination. Often you find yourself hiking uphill in the desert against the sun’s rays hoping that you’re not going to die. Only then you find enlightenment. Everything‘s got that weird shape. You can’t escape the hedges, they’re everywhere. Actually they’re kind of remarkable. Like the Betty Crocker of botany. Apparently very tolerant of climate change. Poop The basis of everything is serpentine.  so you know when it’s hot and humid in hot as balls outside and you’re very uncomfortable, it’s good to know that you have a place that you can bathe your soul.  I’d like to show you something if you’d let me, and please indulge, how long did it take you to evolve? It’s almost obscene. Fuzzy. Different variations of you. The ocean is deep and so is your shit, but luckily I can swim. those are just the fruits maturing. I don’t care how you do your payment, but as long as you’re tied to a brick and throw it through the window or whatever, as long as we receive it we have been mowing your glass grass for over a decade and we’d like to know that you’ll take responsibility for your own actions. this is not a threat, it’s just a stream of consciousness.

Would you like to have an adventure? Now? Because is there any other time?

These life experiences have left me equally happy. Which also means they left me equally unhappy.

When someone asks you what type of music you like, there truly asking you who do you want to be at this moment? 

We are not, who we are

We are not, who we are.
Well I can speak for myself. I am not who you think I am if we have never met. If all you have to view me is this tiny window of social media. this is not who I am. It’s barely the surface. You want to know who I am?

- I never wear makeup or sexy cloths.
- I have braces.
- My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years.
- I’m polyamorous.
- I constantly carry a broken heart for some man who has moved on.
- I’m obsessed with documentaries.
- I’m afraid of people & making connections.
- I don’t & never smoked, drank or did drugs.
- I burry myself in work “workaholic”
- I’d much rather sit in a quiet corner and read a book then go to a party.
- Crowds scare me.
- I financially support both my parents and numerous other people in my life.
- I’m a nymphomaniac that is to scared to be intimate with anybody that I have not known closely for over a year because I fall in love with anyone I let inside of me.
- I wear out all my partners.
- I’m obsessed with growth and productivity
- I spend more time at Lowe’s & Home Depot then any other place outside of my house
- I don’t respond to my social media emails because they give me anxiety.
- My time is the most precious thing I can give someone.
- Punctuality and communication is very important to me.
- I’m very direct into the point. I don’t like playing games or beating around the bush. I have no desire in sugarcoating things.
- I keep busy to stay just ahead of my constant depression.
- I never hold a grudge, I always love somebody no matter how many times they hurt me, my love is unconditional once received.
- I have lost two lovers to suicide and one to a car accident as well as too many friends to list.
- My brother died of a heroin overdose a couple years ago.
- I’m almost 40 years old.
- I would love to have a child but my body is not letting me.
- I am a clean freak, obsessed with organization, time management, manifestation boards, schedules and goal sheets.
- I crave consistency, I don’t like change.
- I’m not secretive.
- I am a insomniac.
- I am agoraphobic.
- I’m not religious.
- I’m weak.
- I’m afraid.
- I’m cautious.
- I’m lonely.
- I’m a real person.
- I’m a open book if anyone cares to read, and I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember.

Reverie

 There’s a time to remember and that time is now. To look upon the past and the times of wow. To look into the future and to be determined. To know of your past and your fortune. To see all the love laughter and lies. To realize your life and all the things you strive. To encompass your passion and hold it within, to discover yourself and follow it through to the end. Don’t not forget who it is that you are,  for often it seems you have traveled far. And lost your self up on the sands of your past. Getting lost in the moments that don’t last. And the only way that others could see, is if you write them down in reverie.

Breath

 With each breath I begin to open my eyes,  peering into the darkness to discover all the things that have brought me here to this moment. With you, the part of my future that I did not know existed at the time of this writing. But you are here, with me right now. In the space in this moment. Holding hands, sharing breath, locking eyes in our minds. With you sharing the space with me in this moment, we are in mortal. You bring me back from the dead, you are my link  to the present. You’re my moment of now. The time that I have lost for it had not yet happened. And I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you for being there, thank you for caring. Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing.  For we all live our meanings and mine is Art, or without it I would fall apart, so as I fall into the  land of death, I’m giving you my words with my last breath.

Bad choices

I would bleed for miles if I could just see your smiles crack through with the light of dawn. And I would long for your song to tickle my ear and remove my fear that I would be left alone. As your morning Moan caresses my soul, I learned to steer clear of the obstacles in our path. But it's perhaps because I'm not good at math but I still continue to trip over my own mistakes that begins to bend and break me. When you see, all I want is to be perfect and free, and have you seen me for the perfect being that is me. Learn not to take things so personally, for with your insecurities, you are destroying me. I try to stand up tall but then I fall as  I raise my head to the sky as tears filled my eyes and I can only cry as I struggle to see the sharp object that can release me. But no, I cannot do that, for I promised it would not be. So even though I know the pain would release me, as I see the blood flow at my feet, not as a cry for help but as a release, I digress, and it will be our progress that I learn to channel my pain in other ways. This has broken my heart and I fallen apart, and parts of this we have seen since the start, but yet we still wade through. Is it because it is new, or is this love true? And is it true that you love me as much as I love you? But it is my mistakes that break and feed your need for answers. Which plants the seed for I must be judged and not trusted because my past was robust and my ignorance leaks into present tense. You think I could make amends and with my intelligence move forward and out of the swamp of my past decisions. I have read my life script and I have made my own revisions, and it is my mission to show you the woman that I have buried under bad choices. For the sake of what is easy I have listen to the voices, and they have poisoned my right for a pure future. But if you give me another chance as the many you have given, I will prove to you that a life with me is worth living.

Expectations

 There are so many things to do in life, so many beauties to hold and to create. To grasp and to give fourth. So much to love, to experience and understand. It’s hard to encompass all of this up on the short time that we are given upon this planet. With our hands growing week as the years progress, and her eyesight feeding, our senses are dulled. But not our passion, not our desire, not if we don’t allow it. We will live forever. With the words of our past  and the things that we have placed upon this earth. For the forever, as long as our name is on the lips of the living. Forever, a mortal. We die twice, one when you breathe your last breath, Second when the last person speaks your name.  We live, we love, we try, we die. We do the best we can in the means of what we are given. To offer what we feel is necessary to the ones we love and perfect strangers.  But who is it who puts these expectations upon us. Is it the world around us, our peers, our parents, our siblings, strangers or ourselves. To whom do we answer to in the end. To what is the success or failure of our life. I suppose with everyone it is different. With me it would be with lack of placing everything into this world that I possibly can. It’s a constant flow of movement. And saddens me each time I forget to communicate. I get lost in myself and in situations at hand. As many do.  But to be lost is not my purpose. It does not meet my expectations.

7

 The magic number seven, to so many it means so much. To others nothing. As does anything in this world. Depends on your viewpoint and what you take from it. Your experiences and how you build it. Your perception in how you view it. I’m here up on the seventh day of the new year, looking upon my most recent years of the past. And recorded. Disappointed. As they have been gracious! They have been amazingly precocious. Preciously spontaneous. Discovering this past lost  upon the day of seven, I rushed to meet up with myself. Defined myself here and unravel my tongue. On rolling the words into the world that have bottled up in my throat. Creating congestion of thoughts and freedom of mind. To not have the flow, to be controlled by the lack of use. It was I who had created this abuse and now I am removing the dam. Allowing the words from my brain to flow out my throat along my tongue upon your ear. Fry am here. Upon the now, upon the day of seven.

Lost in years

 I have rediscovered, that I have lost myself these last few years. But where was I? What was it that kept me away. Kept me so busy? I cannot recognize my reflection from my memory of who I was just moments ago. But here, now, in the present. Standing before myself. I am strong. And it was my past that has built these bricks, been my mortar which has created the structure  that encompasses my soul. My soul, this is what I speak. It was here blood upon these pages for many years in the past. But has escaped till just recently, refound. Sometimes I often feel that this is my therapy to hear the sound of my voice as I speak my heart to paper. It is the thing that has made me found,  as I run across the field to once again meet up with myself. I’m no longer lost. Here I am, exactly where I left me.

Pigment

 You can only see a small part of who I am, because of all the sand in your eyes, and how your world has been full of lies. You can’t see your nose because of your face. So here I pace back-and-forth in this place. Wishing for you to only see me.  But why I cry for the lies that I wish to unravel into a truth. Weave it into the fabric of my youth, to come out stronger on the other side. To be braided with my pride and show you how you can be true and no longer hide. We’ve all cried, we’ve all buried ourselves and died from the pain that we have self-inflicted. But this is how we depict it.  For the sand in our eyes has created our disguise and are fog upon the world. So this is our view of what it is that we see true by the scars in our eyes. From this pain from within that some see as sin  we can see it as a burden of the truth. But what is this truth that we seek from inside when all we are is buried in pride and pigment of our self. 

The ride

The ride

God, sometimes I don't feel you are on our side.
I realize that you tried,
Was it a matter of pride when you decide
to apply the divide between a man and his bride.

It was beautiful that you made the endless sky
and that you provide the oceans tied,
but why would you make the mothers cry
as they watch their babies die?
Why would you give us language as a guide
but then slide in the ability to lie?

I do not mean to brush aside,
all the things that you provide,
you see this feeling will not subside
that you have given us freedom implied,
however still our hands are tied,
for although everything is within your eyes
we cannot deny that by your hand we collide,
So I wonder why you would sit beside and allow genocide.
We would apply the tools you supply
to destroy anyone distant or nearby.

You have given us the power inside
to open our mind wide
and with our beauty of arts and music we stride.
Still we find we collide with judgments that bind
the beauties and follies of mankind.

It is true that you supplied and have provided
us with everything we need worldwide,
please don't think we don't appreciate our prayer,
but when we confide do you hear?
Or do you hide and not care?

Did you forget about us? Where we left behind?
Are you def and blind? Or do you just not mind that you have designed
something that could be refined
however is still inclined towards the dark corners of the mind.
You see we plea to be free from this insanity and negativity,
we are at your mercy.
If you do not like what you see and find in mankind,
will you just once again
bury us in the mud of a flood with high tide?

We live in fear that you are not there.
If we are your design, it would be fair that as our guide
please reminded us, with this pain that resides,
can be too much to bear, so is there a plan?
Or are we just along for the ride?

Complete Control

Complete control


January 23

Oh I want him so much, 
all I desire is his touch.
I want him to hold me 
and I want him to bind me,
I only wish to hide 
so he can find me.
There is no other love like his. 
No other caress, no other kiss. 
I want to conquer, 
I want to ride, 
I beg for him to go deep inside.
Are moans are the only sound,
as he flips me around and hold me down.
I will give him my mind body and soul. 
Only to him I will give complete control.

My eyes

My eyes
January 23
When he came into my life, it was a surprise.
For he is my twin, he has my eyes.
When we are together it's absolute bliss.
I crave the caress of his fingers and the smell of his kiss. 
For the only thing that we truly fear.
Is the day when the other is not in near.
But to live in this fear is to not enjoy the present.
We do not fully let go because we are hesitant.
How could it be this way as such,
If we truly love each other this much?

Poem - Obsession

Poem - Obsession 

Monday, January 19th, 2015

When I was a raised wild, riled, child I never had a clue of your fun.
You were in plays, ballets and often in cafés, it's true, I would watch your perfection.
Although you made me lay a smile, 
I never knew too much of what you've done.
In a blaze I saw that you where the glue that compiled many crews devotion.

I offered little but you always repaid as if the future you knew not to shun, 
but to me at that time you were a mild haze hue that had yet begun.
With phrase spun after phrase, something inside piled and started to brew, you would stun, as a need to bleed my words as my lungs need oxygen. I was to get a lesson, you became my riled, styled obsession. 

At times when I was young it weighs, so I question, perhaps, I bit off more than I could chew, or correction once I knew you, was it just fear of rejection?
With you I felt as won, but I started to go coo coo through a maze of wild thoughts of aggression.
While I was blue, I grew my frayed wings, and with you I flew to the sun through the great mentalization reunion migration. 
With you as my number one crazed companion I started to break through, session after session, through this new navigation.
I must mention a little more, you made me soar to the heavens, for with your affection I finally was free. You never did flee or betrayed thee, nore use my weaknesses against me. You were always quality positivity projection. 
As a slew of my thoughts would stay for a while, started to pile and spew, was then my progression. 
You are my protection, this was something new you see to my comprehension. 
I see I must say it was you who got me through when I withdrew in my oppression. 
You amaze, for you turned me into thought revenue succession. 
You opened my eyes to another view with your phrases of creation demonstration. 
With your injection of my imperfection, making me face the skewed view realization of my negativity infection. Because of its detection, I know know it's annihilation. 

It's true I never intended to overdue your utilization. 
It was a abomination faze, but you grew my walls of literature which became a taboo creation for the direction of my life to realization. 
You would always target me when I'd fall into a daze or start to undo and question. 
I would always do my best and I never knew in my youth, 
what I would turn into with this craze enhancement smooth enforcement of mental interaction. 

It's the truth it was not my intention to need your fire much as I do, 
to desire this slough of attachment through hire sapio attraction. 
No dire argument this is true, you have many ways of putting me in detention. 
Never a liar but with my confession you were always there prior to raise me through my depression infection with your deflection. 
Whenever I was hurt and wish to retire, nights or days, I ran to you for inspiration.
You would inquire and always there for my pain faze to review correction.
With you I never tire, due to your praise complexion I have grew into a brew of a collection of expression. 
Others I may acquire, always come and go but you always stay as my main obsession.

POEM - Left behind

POEM - Left behind

Wednesday, January 21st, 2015

Where should I go, what should I do?
I thought I had a path, I thought that I knew.
I want to move fast, but now I move slow.
For it seems I have forgotten, where to go.
There was a time when my future was clear.
A time when success was inevitably near.
But now I feel that it's come and gone.
And I wonder what I've done wrong.
Was I not clear of soul body and mind?
For it seems I have been left behind.

I lost myself inside you

I have lost myself inside you, 

and as I stand in the sand 

as the waves of my past brush against my feet 

I demand to understand why.

I've lost myself inside you,

I know it seems to me 

that I have been released from my personality 

and I no longer know who I am.

I've lost myself inside of you,

And I wish not to repeat that which defeats 

the heat that I have diffuse from my mistakes of the past.

I hope this will last, will you make me complete? 

For who knew, that you were true blue,

And sometimes it seems to rape my soul 

Its my fait, I wish not to escape,

When all I wish to do is lose myself inside you.

Fall

As I fall and lay upon the ground within a mound of my own past regrets, I tried to order these words to you legible. I wish not to be emotional. I wish to be motivational.

You feel that this is unbelievable? Unreasonable? Or perhaps that I am being deceivable? Simply because my minds eye is not placed in the same central point of what your mental design a may be? Well the building blocks that make you, do not make me. We have lived in two different realities, but that does not mean that we cannot come together and defeat and beat down any misbelief that our futures could entangle into absolute beauty. My actions to you are not mutiny, and I am not trying to deceive, I wish you would believe that I do not manipulate. Must this Irate mentality be our fate as we spiral into negativity as if we are unable to communicate? 

Is this continuance just a stall, for after all once I fall, would you be there to catch me?

I put my reality on your table, and although at times I may seem unstable, I am a Brickhouse. Earthquakes can shake as hard as my mistakes, but neither will break my foundation. Its this frustration that puts my focus into relation that this alienation separation of my two selves,  as divided a wall with in my being, I was previously unaware existed. I was not restricted, I have resisted such knowledge, for as I look through the window, I begin to see things that not only defy me, they frustrated and humiliate me. They do not define me, they are small cracks within my overall structure that has made me strong. But if you Chipaway at the cracks it won't be long before you hear the call and sound of crashing as my structure begins to fall. 

Bright

I just want to sleep through all this sadness

Before it brings me into madness.

If I do not keep busy it will tear me apart,

So I focus on my writing and my love of art.

I long for the razor sharp blade of the sword,

But silently I keep moving forward.

Insecurities created seem to last,

Because present ignorance leaks from my past.

Choices that I thought made me strong,

Now turn out to be the choices I made wrong.

But if I try to put all this aside with all my might,

Could our future possibly still be bright?

Dream

A dream is a lightning storm in your brain.

And as my consciousness octopus waves its tentacles out in eternity,

I truly know what this means.

Judgment

     I can hear your voice in the whispers of silence, you are the pulsating memory that reminds us, when life offers change, we should not struggle and fuss. 

     To live for love and not lust, to move forward is a must, we have to keep moving or we will rust. Just because we wander does not mean we are lost. 

     I feel your concerns in the falling rain, fear that my freedom is a sign I'm insane, I am liberated, there is nothing wrong with my brain. Because I have changed my name and I do not reframe, it is your fear of difference, that I am not the same. 

     For in the face of change I will remain a constant reminder of freedoms stain. And although it is not for fame, and you may see it as a pain, I hope your love for me will remain the same.

    I taste your judgment in the tears of a child, because your lifes ambition you have filed, your perception of mine is wild. For although my style is not mild, I did not mean to have you riled, for although your experiences are differently piled, for me my life has me beguiled, and with my eyes I have smiled.

    But I see your admiration with the rising Sun, for you wish you could live a life of fun, but circumstances have got you stunned. 

    With your feet you retreat you begin to run, for things unknown you ignorantly shun, in the sunrise of your eyes I see you admire what I've done, you may feel your life is ending, mine has just begun.

     

Metamorphosis

My apologies to my friends that have tried to reach out,

But coddling and consoling is not what I'm about.

It is time for me to focus on my art and my health.

To separate myself from others and focus on myself.

My scales have gotten unbalanced and begin to tip.

I have no desire for people's drama or gossip.

And now I know, I need to grow,

To separate myself from the stagnant deceiving lie.

I'm seeking friendships to be inspired by.

I'm going through many changes within myself I must defeat.

I will let you know when my metamorphosis is complete.

Ambition

I am 35 years old and not get where I want to be,
Always in depression, always throwing a pity party,
often seems like excuses, I am full,
As there is always a obstacle.
The main thing that I know that I am doing wrong,
Is waiting for my friends to help me along.
Why I do this, when I've always known,
That to be successful, I must do this alone.
The time is now to make my dreams my mission.
And to be led by my own life's ambition.

These are a few of my favorite things

Octopus, cheesecake, facial massage, neck massage, shoulder massage, orchid, purple, lime green, soft, sweet, pineapple pizza white sauce, chicken brockli alfraido, turquoise, Jade, Amber, silver, tribal, steampunk, big straight white teeth, cuddling, vanilla, almond oil, documentaries, road trips, traveling, camping, hiking, blue glass, strawberry banana, strawberry kiwi, pink Floyd, bellbottoms, platform shoes/boots, Aliens, ancient cultures, theology, Egypt, mesopotamia, Peru, Dubstep, cello, theremin, didgeridoo, violin, dreadlocks, long hair, kisses, Black googly eyes gold fish, peanut butter cups, Oreo cookie mint ice cream, cherry sent, tree house, mountains, rivers, snorkeling, sex, mutual obsession, sensuality, completing of tasks, goals, poetry, horse back rideing, working out, yoga, rollerblading, bicycling, Denver, art, plays, extreme personalities, Communication, calmness, nature, music, sacred geometry, spirals, Nautilis, productivity, Boston cream pie, eclairs, grapes, learning, 20s - 60s music, dancing, staff, 

Humanities hand

Running, swimming flying free.

Becoming the air, trees and sea. 

Soaring above to see all.

To learn of our beginning, growth and fall. 

A species with amnesia and a false face.

Living in separation as the human race. 

Sometimes all we wish is to left be. 

When what we need is unity.

So no matter The trials and tribulations that life's demand.

Just remember always, you have my hand. 

Simple crazy

I wish it would not be so hard, for things that come so easy. 

Things that may seem simple to some, can make others crazy.

Loves scars

We can fight till we are blue, but if we do all I want is to be free of you.

You make my brain hazy, and drive me crazy.

The scars on my arms reminds me of you.

What makes me

As these words are my arsenal, I often feel they are too personal. 

To put my pen to paper, 

to calligraphy out of my mind vapor. 

When I get in the zone, and wish to be alone, for it is my desire for these feelings to outgrown. 

Wish my words would make me free, rather than flee, and if my emotions could leave me be, would you still know what it is that makes me?

Bit off more than you can chew

It seems you never desire to be with me,

After you go out and party.

So should I just gauge my time with you,

Too when I know you devotion is true?

My feelings are intense, I try not to smother.

Yours diminish, after you are with another.

And although this is what I say.

I am aware that is not always this way.

It sucks for me to not be able to be free, 

from these emotions and my insecurities.

to you I do not feel I am being fair, 

I often wish I simply did not care.

I dread how thin I have felt spread, 

as I lay in this bed alone in my head.

I wish I could free myself from my own insanity,

And simply live off your past security.

I am half a prude, and half a lewd, 

for these feelings protrude and my desires can be rude.

When I get in this mood, I suppose I wish to be pursued, it hurts to exclude, my heart is naked as my body is nude.

I prey these feelings will stray for my insecurities I wish not to make you pay, so I simply walk away.

You see, this is inside me, I must learn how to change this belief, so when this occurs, please, don't take it personally.

I try not to make a peep as a weep so outside I will creep, this is my problem, I will let you sleep.

For this blue hue over my eyes is true, I continue moving to not stew, I do this because I care about you.

With communication I am equipped, 

This is something you need in any relationship. 

I often will tell you outright, I'm not one to simply give hints.

Just seems I constantly need, reassurance.

I wish to discreetly count sheep, but my insomnia does creep, only with absolute comfort and security will I be able to sleep. 

And it's true I knew that this could hurt you,

I have warned you that perhaps you have bit off more than you can chew.

Midnight walk

Often it would give others quite a fright. 

To walk nude through this quiet night.

It will be here that I am found. 

With the quiet breeze, as the earth sleeps sound.

I have a notion to walk to the ocean, with glowing skin in slow motion.

To this reality we become slaves, and you I wish to save, to slowly release you into the waves.

For I know with this connectedness, my fabric does glow.

And although I reep what sew, these feelings still grow. As from above same as below, I desire to be as the water and go with the flow. 

I wish not to take pray so I try to stay, and sometimes I hate that I am this way.

But without being embraced, I try to pace and not leave this place, but I often just want to walk away.

I try to be quiet, for I might want to take flight into the night in and write. 

My body may disappear out right, and I'm not uptight, If I do this, I want you to know that I am alright.

There will always be forewarning, for these feelings have been storing. Although I am yearning for comforting, with my walk and my self motivating talk I will be fine by morning.

Too much to ask

Is there a crime and wishing to be desired?

You wish to sleep and I am wired.

I desire it not hurt to this degree.

all I want is for you to at least, hold me.

I constantly get sucked back into your charms.

And often I get lost in your arms.

And I know it's a start, you have given me a part.

But you still hold back, much of your heart.

It hurts that these feelings run so deep.

That my excitement when I lay next to you will not allow me to sleep.

From a slight crush, this has grew. 

I just want to experience all of you.

When you lay next to me, I am giddy as a child.

My feelings have always been intense, never mild.

And although games I wish not to play,

I often wonder how long would it take you to notice, if I walked away. 

My apologies that if two depression I am prone. 

A trigger is if you do not hold me, I feel alone. 

Perhaps the amount of attention I need becomes much of a task.

I wish to feel constantly desired, is that too much to ask?

Bad timing

Why won't you be intimate with me? 

Is it because you just had sex previously?

Or because you were to sleepy?

Do you have the desire? Or is it just bad timing?

My apologies if I get up and leave,

I don't want to I hope you believe.

I try to not take it personally.

But it becomes difficult when rejection I perceive.

And although I wish to stay and talk,

You are sleeping so I go on my walk.

I use the restroom in the house for it is not locked. 

And I walk in on another rideing your cock.

Is it bad that I am trying?

Should I allow it to continue dying?

It hurts because for you I continue painting.

Is it just me? Or bad timing?

Hippie new year

Tonight's the night to bring you hire!

Connecting with friends and burning fire!

To dance naked in the foam,

For those who could not make it to burning man, let's burn at home!

Hulu hoop swing and the sparks fly!

Feeling a connection you cannot deny!

To rid your anger, negative past and fear.

For burning man is the hippie new year!

Carnal desire

 You make me want to sin, desire to crawl out of my skin.

You cause my fluid stew, for I want to eat you.

You have stolen my heart, and I want to tear you apart.

As you caress with penetrate humps, you cover my body with goosebumps.

And I feel the most free, when you are inside of me.

You have brought my carnal desire bringing me higher.

Bringing the action of satisfaction.

There is one thing that I know, is that I want you so. 

Heart wants

The heart does taunt, and the heart does want.  And the memories of love continues to haunt.

You can bring you hire and make you tire, it's often you have no control over what you desire.

And you think you may know how to control it so, but my advice is go with the flow.

It can make you long to be strong and do things that you may consider wrong.

And if you only knew that it would make you blue, would you feel this love was true?

It can be immense and rather intense, it's not about control, it's about the experience. 

You may not know how it puts you in wow, but if you love, do it now. 

Time you can not borrow, through happiness or sorrow, love now because you may not have the chance tomorrow. 

Denver

    This lady is quite clever and makes me quiver, once I think about her I get the fever.

     You may wonder why she holds a large part of my heart, and why it makes me fall apart if I depart for too long. The reason is this lady is full of the love of art.

     She brings me the capability productivity, as I reactively progressively remove negativity from my activities. She holds my captivity with her festivities in absolute creativity.

With the removal of life's anxiety, typically the reality of this hippie mentality, holds me with such intensity. 

     So to her I must permit to commit, and I must admit that with her wit, this lady gives me much benefit, and if I split, I beguin to miss it.

     For if I leave she will never let me be, for I cannot flee for she and I agree, that only with her I am truly free. Her palse makes me quiver, my feet in her blood as the river, so from her eyes mountains and breath trees if I leave, soon after, she beckons me.

     When I am in her I am a believer, that I would wish to take on the endeavor, to do whatever is needed to stay with her forever. Oh how I miss my lady Denver.

Unmotivated

Unmotivated 

I can't get myself motavated. 

I feel going out is over rated. 

Can't get myself to move worth a shit. 

I'm to lazy and I justify it. 

I simply can't find the motivation,

Is it lack of interest, or depression?

All I desire is to sit in solitude at home. 

My only desire is to write a poem.

Night

Sometimes it sucks not being a party kid,

But still with my insomnia, but I cannot get rid.

Everyone is out my night begins to unfold.

They are all together as I stay home with no one to hold.

To this mentality, I have never been a member.

It has been like this since as far back as I can remember.

It is difficult to sleep, I must confess.

Unless I have someone to hold, I cannot rest.

I can pretend to party to some degree,

But it truly does not make me happy.

I am restless so I write.

As my tribe parties all night.

Ant

Damn ant, why won't you just leave me be, 

why do you have to bite me? 

Now you get the death penalty! 

Cage

I am wasting so much time being depressed.

Perhaps given too much time to reflect.

Always just wishing to turn the page.

But still here stuck in this cage.

Forever feeling like I'm walking through muck.

Making it difficult to become unstuck.

I am here to live and let live.

And I try not to be reactive,

It seems as my anxiety will not rest.

When I am this depressed.

But as I roll out of this cage and look to the sky,

And I remove the fog from my eyes.

I only then will begin to see,

That I am the one that caged me.

So if I wish to flee,

I begin to see I am the only one that can release me.

Closet

When your heart is chained down in the closet,

And you don't feel your thoughts are legit.

That the world would make you pay,

If you came out, being gay.

If your life feals controlled and crappy.

You must come out to be happy. 

Don't put Ur needs on a back shelf,

You must open the door and be true to yourself.

End your fears, insecurities and doubt.

It is time to come out. 

Because no matter what others say.

Another word for happiness is gay. 

Sleep

You sleep so much in the morning, 

you sleep so much at night.

You sleep so much in the middle of the day, 

you sleep with all your might.

You sleep a lot it seems to me.

With all the sleep you must be a absolute beauty.

To me sleep seems like a waste of time.

But perhaps I have just giving you mine.

For sleep is something that I do not do.

So I will give my sleep to you. 

Good morning

Good morning world it's time to open your eyes,

And turn your face towards the sunrise.

Breathe your first conscious breath of the day,

Plan your productiveness and time of play.

With each day you can have your own revolution.

And further your personal evolution.

Always moving forward never being boring.

Stand up and yell to the world, good morning!

Earth

Will We survive here as a dying race?
Or will we bring our cancerous species to outerspace?
We often bring destruction with our birth.
As we take things for granted, like our Earth.
As we construct cities with large buildings.
We often forget that we are this planet's children.
Neglecting our home like no other.
Treating it as a ashtray rather than our mother.

Insomnia

This is something I have learned to bear. 
That sleep to me is something rare,
Watching you dream in your bed,
As the noise will not cease in my head.
Insomnia is something that I have faced.
Will often calm in a lovers embrace.
However The trick that works best for me,
Is to focus my thoughts on a documentary.
This is the main thing that I can find.
That is able to quiet my mind.

Loves new start

Why won't you just go away? And leave me in my sanctuary, you do not need to be near me, I plead just leave me be. You do not treat me as a queen, you treat me as the sea treats the shore. You are eating at my core, eroding me.  Pulling my sands into your deep blue you, until there is nothing left of me.

I sink into you and begin to lose myself. All I have ever asked is for you to love me, is that too much to ask? I could have my pick of waving Dick's, but what's the point there just pricks. This whole thing makes me sick and if I knew it would stick, I would find a way to make you love me. And although I have heard you say the words, your actions are the truth. You sit idly by as I cry and beg for you to not neglect me. You have infected me, and no matter how deep I bury my feet in the mud you are in my blood and the air that I breathe, your aura will not Free me. As you were changed to my heart it has been difficult to tear it apart and will let you go without killing me. Can't you see, that you need me? Yet you always flee to devote to others. So now you know, I have let you go, and woah after woah it is time to leave me be. Let me free from these chains that bind us. And let me find a mind that is kind to this old bruised heart. You neglect has tore me apart, it's time for me to have a new start.