I am not aware of a moment that this began. I actually feel that I have always been this way, since I was a child, and I simply am now for the first time realizing it. I have always been over productive, and a need for constant movement. My last name does mean the river, and I've always felt similar to this. If I begin to pool I stagnate, with my stagnation my waters become putrid. So to become clean, I am in need of constant flow.
This became more apparent to me with the first times I tried psychedelics. In my 30s I have experimented with recreational medicines for my first time. With these experiments much of my true beeing has come to the forefront. Which at the time was definitely emphasized in emotion. And although this is something that I rarely have a desire to dabble in. I am glad that I have this better understanding of my true nature.
But how do I become in control of this.? The time that I find the easiest to relax, is my time away from home. Perhaps at a festival or a camping trip. Then I am fully able to let go.
First of all, you're in luck! Light is in motion, and life is always in stable motion. It's basically matter of looking at your options, seeing the immediate consequences, and new possibilities, and moving in the way, with the truth, as a part of life from theoretical situation to theoretical situation, and paving the way for others to follow, now that they have seen you try, and whether you succeed in accomplishing each and every goal you set for yourself is not important, because what is in your heart, you will have, so long as you keep your heart focused on Love, hope, and faith, and we all learn from everyone's mistakes. So don't take them personally, and I am sharing person things here.
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, in my own personal experiences, I always loved the hero, and I always rooted for them, not consciously realizing the bond created by that emotion. however, after also experimenting with marijuana, I began to have an ego, and an identity of my own. However, in response I was given the opportunities to prove myself, and I did not take the "trial by fire" lightly. I do not regret it, but, should I have children, I would cation my daughter(s) not to stare into the infinite mirrors too deeply, because though you may see deeply into the layers, it (this) will still be you in the mirror, and that (is the key) is all. I would cation my sons, "Marijuana is a trial by fire. It is a right of passage, though I do not require it of you, and always remember, three things. One, you're going to change, and God knows what we experience. Two, YOU're going to get high, so don't let "it" with your head (whatever "it" may be)." Three, if you have not love, you have nothing. If you're not loving it, I still love you."
I'm sure you understand.
So, now I have been losing myself, and finding myself, and falling in love all over, again. Being strong, like a child will do not wrong, nor tolerate evil. Who cheers with all his his eager heart, and has tender compassion which he pours, and not hold back. I am anew in the light of God, who makes all things new, and God is my love, for God IS love, and I only experience it through other people which are His vessels, as humans which He created, and poured out His Spirit of Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self-Control (which I recommend memorizing into consciousness, so that they may seep into sub-consciousness) upon, and allowing Him, to be my God, and myself to be His child. For this, in my heart, is the true purpose and meaning of a, "Christian."
And amazingly, I am incredibly perceptive by nature, and does not feel foreign, but remembered. I receive so much information so quickly, because I don't have to think about it. I am faster, stronger, and more alive when I am one with God, than when I am trying to be my own god, and though it's not easy to challenge the darkness like pulling weeds every time they pop up, I know that my heart is clean, because my feet, once dirty, have been washed with water, and my sins which I could not bear, are forgiven by the God who killed and died to pay the price for them, and that's just the way it is.
We are just kids. Kids see us as kids. I see us as kids. I admit, I am a child. This is God's world. It's a lot bigger than me. I've only seen a small part of it, but everything about it is amazing.
So basically, anxiety will tell you, "YOU MUST DEAL WITH ME," and I say, "NO, ALL DEAL WITH GOD, FOR GOD IS THE GOD OF ALL. YOU ARE REBUKED."
Sic semper tyrannis. Thus, always to tyrants, and I am made free, for no weapon formed against me shall prosper, and darkness fless from Light, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, THERE IS FREEDOM!!
P.s. Don't let anyone greet you repeating, "Uh, oh," and I'll bet your anxiety will go down. Just sayin'. You're more precious than that. L-;
Stumbling across the blog here...reading this I can relate to some of your experiences. Not in the sense of having to be in movement, im actually quite the opposite...on my end there is resistance to change. In my early thirties I started having a shift occur and I felt the need to explore out of a long traditional marriage. But before that I lived in a very dysfunctional environment...one that I left around the age of 14 and became emancipated at 15, remained on my own up until marriage. In those years I developed a protective ego that was always on guard and suspicious of people. In my later years this mechanism would become very destructive. Im coming into an awareness that allows me to see things as they are now. I have compassion for myself even though I would like to see more progress within myself. I do challenge myself...some things that may not be a big deal for others will be for me. I lived with this anxiety not even recognizing it was anxiety for so long because it just became normal for me.wow. I even used to view others who needed medication for their anxiety as weak. I have some deep rooted fears that are concerned about mental illness in my family. I became resistant to just about everything. Even though im a compassionate, empathetic, peaceful seeking person I was always suspecting. I saw what drugs and alcohol did to those in my surroundings when young so I refused to have any part of it but now i see the benefits in allowing an altered state...which leads me to the part i more relate to
ReplyDeleteI have such control issues over my environment and i have become aware of how damaging that is. I wish to change it...and even though i recognize it, it remains stubborn. Ive been thinking about it for a while...shrooming and then on to shamans. I am very nervous though because I feel i need people i can trust around me. If I can achieve this it will greatly benefit me and my sense of being able to live freely in the moment. I have such control issues..that it even affects me sexually, even though im a highly sexual,sensual,spiritual being...I am resistant to letting go. even though i have known that person for some time. I know that it is a journey that requires traveling solo on for a great deal and im becoming more comfortable with that. I would feel extremely grateful to be able to find one or two people that i could trust to explore and experience some of this with. I wish for it to be for enlightenment for sure not for novelty or careless fun. ive met a cpl ppl but our friendships were never consistent enough to follow through with these major challenges that i have. I have strong fears about what ugliness may rise when i let experiences happen but i also see a how beautiful it can be as well. any thoughts? Your Pizza Villa friend if you do not recall.