Mindless babble causing trouble. Creating places never traveled. Meeting people I'm desired, working where I wish to be retired. Rooftop hopping, lifetime cropping, choose be told to those that learn. I fear my future and crave it still. Never need to bleed my soul. All I have told is my need to be true when all I need is twofold and die. Why must we lie when the gift of speech to five this. My meet is meeting the meet of another and to conquer this feat is my goal. To be my need is to believe that my truth is told. What is this that I hold so close, so dear, when all I fear is inside me. This need makes me bleed and my goal creates this hole.
Is this future that I seek within me? Can I believe what it is that I see in me? I try so hard but my life is barred from my true desire. Two breeze this fire that brings me higher and raises questions within me. To see the life for what it is and to take life's quizzes, will I bail if I fail? I look at the quality of life's Little strife and how simple we humans are.
Life is funny and this needed for money drives us endlessly towards our end. I work very diligently and I am to marry most of the houses. But when I fall, it can be far. I need someone to help me when I am down. I get tired of all this and with my fist I will see this through.
My life with this color blue and sometimes read that when I am fed makes me full. Mindless babble creating truth that I may not have seen about myself in the past.
I need order, and so many times that I have spoke these words. What is the cause of the wars that create conflict in me so. My life makes sense and with each move I understand my goal I'll little bit more.
I now am moving once again, with each move I gain higher ground. I am proud of my past, it is not a question if it will last. I am secure in my thoughts and I know the cost. This is something that I am willing to pay. My passion I will never keep at bay and I must say I love it's so.
Now with this new start I will live my arts and my writing will live through me. I need to write… I mean right, and at times I do. As now, I go through phases. I wish to a while more, this embraces my soul, of my gold. Place my soul straight into my goal.
Now what is this task, you might ask, that creates this goal that I speak of so. It is to live my art and make me complete as I make it home. To write my heart to take me apart to learn myself and what makes me stealth.
My quiet times to myself, I can be loud but I hate the crowd.
This may not make sense, you cannot build a fence around my soul. What I am trying to say is I cannot be controlled and neither can my words.
I do not run with the herds. I wish to remain alone. With only my books and my art to counsel. All this writing hurts my hand, still it does demand that I write these words to you. Whom are you, these words are meant for me. These are meant to set me free, to make me believe, all that I say and all that I have done, has not been done in vain.
Now to the next step, to being this rambling to constructive thought. As if there is such a thing. Although this may all seem without reason but rhyme. And the sense that you may make of it may not make sense to me. The sense to me that I see, in these words that released me. It's from my subconscious that these words bleed. And with such speed they fall upon these pages, teaching me, what I need. By this rambling I am beginning to see what it is that makes me and what I need to complete what I believe could set me free.
It feels good to write my thoughts, even if they do not make total sense, it is coming from me and makes me see what it is that is inside of me.
I have a long way to go before I really know what it is that makes Mimi. And in case I go insane as I feel I sometimes do at least I have this book written for you.
September 8 2001
Time to run, time to hide, time for love and time for pride. Time for need and the time to believe. I plead for the need to bleed upon these pages.
Trouble us not.
Why must our mouths be so cold?
September 10 2001
The space that I am now making is my own. To make this base upon me grown. To feel the house become a home. I now can start to see this space become a chewed gallery. I feel whole and now my life is bold and I was told that it would be this way. I had to pay for the time that played for the opportunity given from heaven.
My heart drops in my soul crumbles as I question why I love him so. I do not know this feeling origin or whether it is Friend or Photo. He is so grand, so negative. So gracious at making my anger grow. And he tries, never lies, And if I leave him so he cries. This may be real, this feeling I feel. Or perhaps, it'll just take time to heal.
September 11, 2001
And now that the world seems so bold, to grow so cold, to feel the base of humanity crumbled to the ground. Everywhere that is found, and most every direction, is the hatred. of our manifestation. The billowing bowels of the flames fire, feeding with hatred the flame goes higher. Is it from home or in it's far beyond? Is it a stranger or someone we hold fond? Living with liars they create this fire and burning this desire for need of hate feels our plate and makes us all feel we can relate. Feeding us words to manifest these lies, when will we realize, that these words that fly, are untruths that make us sit calmly by.
So many questions enter our mind, what do you feel is the truth will find? Pointing at others when perhaps the finger should be pointed ourself, feeding our minds with politics and religious filth. Creating such hatred which then begins to bind us, and if you look in this rubble, you will find us.
You tryin' to make me cry? I was told (by God) today, "Life is not "pass" or "fail"."
ReplyDeleteDid you think I would take your home from you?
Are you worried?
I am a warrior, but more importantly, a martial artist. I'd rather fight for, than with, or over. I won't be asked why I'm not enough for my wife by my children, because I am, and survival DOES depend on it.
I am the man in the book. I can tell it like it is. You want to control me? Control my life. Come here, and deal with me, then. I know the victory is coming. I know this night you are reading this as I type these words. I know. I, know. My only regret is that I have not been better. That I cannot do more, and yet, tomorrow my regrets will be dispersed with the sunrise, knowing each day is closer to the dawn, and when it rises, we will all be free. Even if I never see it, if I die in battle, by body fails, and soul departs, perhaps one roar would be my final words.
That may be the spark you're missing, ever since you doubted yourself, became co-dependent, got abused, became lost, became alone, and clinged to the only love you had left just to hold you, until you could walk stand on your own two feet, and now that you are trying to walk, you're realizing the stride isn't right, and keep reminding yourself what you want, feeling trapped because you don't want to see that the arms that were holding you up, are now the arms that are holding you back, and now are frozen by this young dreamer who could be right, about everything, maybe. Wanna find out?
And forgive me for saying, "love," because you really just needed stability, as it is no mystery that he cannot satisfy you, and you know it isn't right, and now struggle with whether to cave into his selfishness (the left hand, pull) pulling you down, while trying to help him up, and perhaps you sense, when he hugs you, that is really isn't holding you at all, but could be pulling you to his will, which I actually tried with a girl who I thought enjoyed my sweetness, until it became a chore. Is your love a chore? Probably shouldn't feel that way. your life is hard work, but you do it, and you do it well. In fact, you do it great, and I don't give a damn who says otherwise, because I give it all to God, and Love never fails. So if I love you, what do you have to worry about?
ReplyDeleteAnd perhaps the only mystery here is why? And I'll tell you. I remember you. I prayed for you a lot. i pray for you everyday. I enjoy praying for you, as you enjoy writing for me. I enjoy it because you are far from me, and I can do little, but God is here, and He loves us both, and I rest it in HIS hands, and HE is my strength. I want to glorify HIM. I want to show HIS love, inside and out. You want mystery? Well here you go, I am a logical being, serving a logical God, who is beyond all logic. In fact, it would equally fair, and impossible to rationalize that His logic is equal to His kindness is equal to His every adjective and attribute that HE is, and that exists wholly within HIM, and yet His power is far beyond it all, combined, just like a cheetah may be fast, but it's ability to hunt requires more than just speed, and strength, and stealth, etc. Think about it! I serve THIS God! So please talk to me, and I will intercede. You don't have to guess, just ask, because I don't walk to neighborhood, overnight and call to see where you are to ask if I can stay at your resort, having brought nothing for a 500 mile journey to Atlanta (near where my Father lives) on foot, just after I quit smoking weed, only to hear you say that you are already there, visiting. Well how about it? And justto let you know, I wasn't stopping in Atlanta. I was going to ask my Father for tools needed to make my way all the way to the north pole, and from there I was going to go into the center of the Earth, where highly advanced alien beings live. However, I would have probably died in the process. Mind over matter, never knowing what I was running on was SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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ReplyDeleteI do not know the two that i commented here, but what i read is a spirit in conflict with who she is. There is work that can be done to figure that out and i would be glad to help. What do i want in return... nothing(something i think you are not used to) I just love to help others become at ease with self. As i know from personal experience when you create an alter ego you will have conflict with who you truly are. Trust me when i say that you are never at ease until you figure that out. What pains me is that what i see here and felt the first time we met, is that you are such a great person, but i felt pain and conflict. Once you figure you out.... watch out you will become very dynamic.
ReplyDeleteHey, "Codester," you realize this is an excerpt from something she wrote in 2001, yeah? You're 12 years behind, kiddo.
ReplyDeleteAnd what a slimy thing to say and do to her. Honestly. Trying to convince her that her partner is not right for her while simultaneously trying to slither your way in? And the guy isn't even here to stand up for himself. Fork-tongued coward.