Further from father

I have seen a whole new side of my father that I was never aware could've possibly existed. Perhaps it just had not previously existed for at least a long amount of time. For the entirety of my awareness of him he has always had a very strong, abrasive, verbally abusive as it was neglectful, intensity about him. I often felt as he was not in fact my father as he was my boss. Continuously pleased with the knowledge that he gave me, however constantly striving for his attention as a father. Forever seeking his approval on my many projects, never feeling as he is proud of me.

I recall the first moment that he had ever said that he loved me. And that he was in fact proud of me. It did more than bring a tear to Mayeye. It was when I was in Vegas staying at the Circus Circus Hotel on the fifth floor looking out the window over the pool. I was discussing with him the adventures of my tour with the band orgy. It was part of this discussion but he voiced that he was proud of the adventures and the Accomplishments that I have those far succeeded. I feel that he has perhaps held a fear that I would supersede him. Something that perhaps all parents hoped-for but may also fear. As a type of almost sibling rivalry he has in many ways constantly debilitated my abilities towards proper evolving.

He has always had a short fuse, snapping at me at any moment for most anything. Every time he called I had to prepare myself emotionally for the abuse. It became very difficult, to the point that I left Florida and became a strange from my father for a number of years. The inability for constructive communication was crippling. He has never been a open individual, and it has often been difficult to get honest feelings if any emotion out of him. Much as a robot with predetermined programming, his communications were often based more so of three recorded selfish meanderings, then thoughtful intellectual conversation of two parties. More often than not, it seems that he simply had the desire to hear himself speak. And when you spoke he was not listening, but more so waiting for his time to interrupt or speak.

However in the last few months since he has embraced the aspect of releasing the resort and moving on with his life, his future seems bright and the depression that has embraced his reality for so long and created this obvious socially dysfunctional he overt man, is coming to a end. Even the thought of passing the resort on to me gave him no release. And with this I hold no malice, I simply let go. So we are both liberated from the constrains and controls of the resort.

With this newly found liberation my father is free, this personality has fully come circle. He is much more pleasant to be around and now when he contacts me it isn't a sense of construction rather than destruction. His eyes are wide and upon his lips lay a smile. For the first time and perhaps over two decades he feels the white weight of the world lifted off his shoulders. I am sure now as being an adult myself and feeling much of the same pressures, that it was this that had created the personality that I had grown to know as my father. Perhaps feeling that this was a constant state of his being, not at all feeling that it was circumstantial. Since I was a child I had always looked up to him. Constantly absorbing all that I could from his intellect. Yet how I desire that I communication was better so he could truly teach me all that he has learned. His stubbornness and selfishness far outweighs his responsibility as a parent. He has a desire to see me do well, and he gives me what tools he can to do so as long is it does not interrupt the flow of his selfishness.

With these changes he has not become selfless, nor a better communicator. However, he has become a more pleasant one. And that is all the change I need in the world.