The best teacher

Written November 12, 2004

As I drain my brain, to find my mind, the only truth that I can find is that intelligence, is not that far from insanity.

I do know how this can be, for you see, insanity does run through me.

It is in my blood, and I choose to sit in the mud as I write this poem. 

I must clear away the foam to recite these words which create my reality.

In these testimonies, you will see my tragedy, see me go free, play with insanity, and perhaps, you will wish to be me. 

These thoughts feel as they run through my veins, and although never the same, I do not know if I do it for fame or the need to be free by releasing these stories.

I do suppose, that it is of both, and for my god Thoth, I must release in this way.

So here I stay, and you will forever hear me say things that you may consider insane.

If you must find a culprit, my past is to blame.

I do feel that the past is the trigger, culprit I see it not, but the best teacher.

Potential

Written November 12, 2004

To live in this pain, is inhumane.

However with suicide, I would lose my pride.

All I find in my mind,

It is fully crucial, to for fill my potential.

Rapist in me

As I lay in the mud, prepared to decay,

 belly down then flipped around I can feel his breath grasp the back of my neck.

 The hands of a rapist caress my tattered body on his floor of damp cardboard. 

With a knife at at my throat, sweat rolling off his face onto mine. 

The only thought that I can find, to make this terrible occurrence tolerable, 

to get me through, is that, he may not be that different from me. 

This is something that he needs, and he was denied it. 

I can taste his mangled ora of childhood pain and rejection from so many woman that created this monster that has hunted me.

 It was his rejection, that became his creation, and although this is not a excuse for this abuse it does help me see the transformation from this man to a monster that sadly feels this is a victory.

 How empty can one man be?

 I give him and empathy.

 Because of a lack of attention that created this addiction causing him to go this direction seeking satisfaction in a irrational physical need for a place to stick his erection.

 Now captured, fearing murder, in his grasp, his being penetrates me.

 I close my eyes hoping it is all a dream and if I only scream, perhaps my lover will be there to awakened me. 

However I do feel that this is all too real and once the paint peels, 

 could there be a rapist in me?

CRASH

Written on November 12, 2004 

 Then it all stopped. 

Blood on the rearview mirror, 

tattered and torn, dripping like delicate lace down the windshield that was spiderwebed by this action of pain, and unseen beauty. 

 Metal torn into human flesh, 

both by mingling and to mend their broken bones as to mend their broken souls. 

Are you awake now? Can you see? 

 Only when you smell the burning rubber, 

Double with the blood and sweat of one whose hands are still grasping the steering wheel as a lost lover, 

you can only then truly appreciate the throbbing feeling in your chest. 

And that, 

It did not stop.

Do not call me Gothic

Written October 13, 2004 in Denver Colorado 

 Do not call me Gothic. 

I am not a style, a label or a way for you to simplify to I am. 

Do not use any preconception of my attire to assume what it is that makes me. 

I am not one way. In fact I don't always. 

I do see as much as you do you and love as I do in pain.

 Do not call me Gothic. 

As so many oddly do. 

Despite my constant ability to not close myself and black, 

my love for the sun and my ability to bring my many styles into one. 

 Do not call me Gothic. 

 For although my past was not a happy one, 

you will not see me using my past as a excuse of who I am. 

I agree that our past does contribute to our personality, 

however we create our reality. 

So many are blind to this. 

 Do not call me Gothic. 

 For some of my poetry may be a bit on the Darkside, 

as a coin and any good Libra my other side is bright. 

I am as much a child of darkness, as I am of light. 

I hold a lot of love, 

however the willingness to remain alone.

Buy your own mind

From October 13, 2004 

 Daily I see those who discriminate the integrity rarely seen among humanity today. 

Why must we pay to motivate those with no soul of their own? 

Every day the extraordinary are both praised and envied.

 Many abominate and wish to castrate us for thoughts that you complicated their simple world. 

Others we do captivate with our theories, testimonies, and tragedies. 

Truly most primate wish to participate, however the ability was successfully directly placed into them by the society that they praise, to restrain any feelings of true beauty.

 However the creativity of humanity does determinate that those who can only imitate, make it their duty to irritate all those who have a mind of their own. 

Why must the world be so cold for us to be so bold and create for all those who do not understand? 

We must obligate ourselves to this world isolated from the community of unfortunate normality. 

It is our responsibility to show them beauty, tell them the story of the world they simulate.

 If they did not alienate us for our psychology then perhaps we would not see as we see,

 learn how to be free and unfortunately they are not worthy of the aluminate truth. 

Some do find truth in our words that isolate feelings that bind us. 

Most would truly never understand and if it weren't for their hand of ignorance, 

we would hence to captivate those who funded us by 

buying their own minds.

Utilization of power

Utilization of power 

 I feel I have so much power that grows by the hour, 

 in with inspiration I become filled with the sensation will encompass and begin to sour. 

 For this delicate flower would begin to mold and I would fold and cower if I did not learn how to hold and use this power. 

 This fire inside can be misunderstood as pride,

 if not used would be abused, and i refuse to let this passion become confused. 

 Perception that may inspire, and if I fly with it will bring me higher. 

 With my ambition by my side so many tears I've cried. 

 For this power is intense and often leaves me fried. 

 Sometimes being encompassed with so much inspiration 

makes me simply wish to change the station. 

 Create this desire I must abide, for it forever sits by my side, 

 This is my creation, I must provide with all this passion I hold inside. 

 So I begin to scold this pest for I will explode this test,

 I can't just sit and expect my power to simply manifest. 

 So even if I question my mental health, 

I must raise to these occasion myself. 

 It would be a lie to say I have not tried, 

 This rumbling inside has caused me to cry and wish to hide. 

 with this frog in my throat for fear of opportunities missed 

 I have lost much hope and become frustrated by my own fist,. 

 I become diffused and rather confused. 

 I wonder about this mist of this catalyst. 

 But I must find my way out, for this is the reason that I exist. 

 If I could be so bold and stealth, 

 to learn how to use it to mold myself. 

 I know that I could find that the answers in my mind to aline this mental wealth. 

 However with every year I hold, 

 if I do not learn how to steer this lane I fear I am getting old, 

 my heart becomes cold here as the ambitions create pain 

 and make me question whether or not I am sane. 

 This creates distain, 

For much of childhood it has stold, 

 but as the pieces of gold lay at my feet and I begin to sift 

 I start to see this is actually the greatest gift, 

 if I just learn how to utilize it.

Inspire belief

To inspire the fire that brings us higher,

To admire the actions that we had done prior.

To raise of a mirror to see our true self,

To package the fear and put it away on a shelf.

Every liar will find a buyer for their deception stealth.

Steer clear of eyes turned south and trash of the mouth.

Never let the world become our infection,

Surrounding ourselves with people of positive reflection.

For only we can make our inhibitions leave.

For truth is truly what we believe.

Burn the man

To embrace our true passion and believe that we can.

To be fully aware and know where we stand.

It is time now to stand forth and open our eyes.

To rid the judgment and remove all the lies.

To learn from the lows as we lived for the highs.

To love life and lend a hand.

To pass by temptation and burn the man.

Depression

Manifestation cuts us deep. 

And it's the sadness that makes us leap. 

With depression brings forth creative scars. 

Without the darkness we could not see the stars.

The cracks of slothfulness

I am starting to break again, 

for I do not have the inspiration.

They say I broke the mold, 

but I can feel myself begin to fold.

I need to express with my art, 

for if I don't it breaks my heart.

It is to you that I confide, 

this emptiness I feel inside.

around me I did them out, 

for this frog that is in my throat.

The future can seem awfully dim, 

if I do not learn how to swim.

to get myself out of this clay, 

cannot waste another day.

For in the mud I am the stick, 

and I have become quite lethargic. 

For the moat is filled with my tears, 

lack of productivity are my fears.

With this weight upon my chest, 

I swear I will do my best!

I will get out of the heat, 

and pull myself to my feet.

To push lazy ness to the side, 

and live the ambitions in my mind. 

For although my forward step has began to sour, 

to continue movement, only I have the power. 

Less productivity equals more anxiety

For which is the catalyst of the other, 

the reality is yet to be determined. 

Be this as it may, they do tend to accompany each other. 

The lack of productivity pains me deeply. 

For I am a constant bubbling well of thoughts that must be manifested into some form of art or the pressure from the back up can be quite taxing. 

Discovering the catalyst that causes such discomfort is a must. 

Be it the constant invasion of outside stimulation, 

that gives me the on ability to focus? 

Perhaps so. 

However it pleases me that I can see the end of the tunnel. 

And my focus is productivity. 

Poem - friends in need

A reoccurrence that I have become aware. 

With it a level of acceptance and lack of permanence beware. 

People often come to me in their moment of need, 

Emotionally I am there for them to feed.

which is flattering that they intrust me to be their psychologist. 

They come to me when they're sad, confused or pissed.

However, when they are strong, there often gone. 

They come to me to make amend, 

And I wont see them till they are broken again.

Speaking on nitrous

For some reason when I think that I can try to speak like this I feel that I will not be able to. However once I am actually doing it I am aware of that my capability is greater than I once has conceived. Perhaps if you were to look at me I would look a lot more ridiculous than my ability to speak. However my ability to comprehend is still great and I can experience it externally. I am able to even do punctuation was talk to text. And previously I was unaware whether or not I would have the capability to do so. However even though perhaps writing is a difficulty ball in the state of mind. I am aware that speaking is not at all and able. Perhaps this is something that I have should have done long ago. I have always felt that this experience should be documented. And those around me have been uncomfortable with my desire to do so. So now since I am on my own I feel his desire to accomplish this. It is a feat that I feel should be explored and explained to those who may perhaps not be comfortable enough to explore this. I am aware that perhaps nothing I'm saying is profound, however it is a step into actually documenting experiences such as this. At the moment I have been doing nitrous. Perhaps nothing to the extent of others, however still a interesting experience to notes. With the few times I have experienced such feelings or psychedelic effects within the last few years, I've always wanted to document them. My thoughts often run so quickly in my mind that I would always be unable to correspond properly anchored to paper. However with the ability of talk to text I now have this capability to correspond my mentality to paper. Which is a great gift. I wish that I was able to do such things in the past. However the past is now just that, past and now I am able to, and I do appreciate this freedom. The freedom is given by the some polis city of the act that I am alone. I have no peers around me to tell me what I should or should not do with my experience. Which I appreciate. I do regret not having the ability to place onto paper my experience of the first few times I had dabbled in this mentality, I am sure that my mentality at that time was far different be at that it was the first. However now with the experience of dabbling further, I am perhaps tainted, and the novelty has worn off. Moments that once seemed profound, have not yet become routine, but have become known.

The rock and the river

I need a hug, for you to hold me, embrace me tightly and let me know it will all be okay. For although my exterior is that of a strong independent woman. Your embrace gives me the power to continue on. For without you is easier for me to slip out of my edges. Is your embrace the keeps me whole.

You are my rock, sturdy and strong, I am the river that flows through and around you. You are consistent and hard to mold, but not too stubborn, you allow my movement to smoothing your edges so our caress is not create turmoil in the water.

For although my movement may forever change the landscape around me, you stay strong and sturdy. A continuous element in my rumbling life. And for this I thank you. 

You give me a clear path in which to travel, and I help you upon your journey as well if you allow my entangle to move you.

For you are the earth that embraces my movement, and the stone that does not allow me to flow too quickly.

I am the river that flows through you, smoothing your edges and creating a slow but constant change. 

Together we never stagnate, forever evolving. Forever on this path together moving forward in a eternal embrace.

Manifestation

I am a true believer of manifestation. It is come to my awareness from many occurrences that this is reality. We manifest the things that we need most in our life at that time. Even the hurtful moments. For every door that closes another opens. If we stand with a blank look staring at the doors that have been shut in our face we may never come to the awareness of the others that have opened for us. I find each slammed the door as a Omen to seek the newly opened ones. To learn the lessons, and to advance. One can never move backward, so no need to dwell. Fourth moving is the only direction humanity is capable. So this must be our focus. Happenings of the past are a college course had. No matter how negative or positive, it has put us on the path towards what is right. With each detour from the rightful path, doors will be shot to get us back going the correct direction. People will often find themselves running into walls rather than allowing the natural movement of life's successes to take them along for the ride. Myself included. However I feel that I run into less walls than many of my peers. For I truly do see each slam the door as an opportunity to seek the newly opened ones. And as more doors are shut I am quicker to find the open ones. Advancing more quickly to new levels of my personal evolution.

With every occurrence in my life both negative and positive I have come out stronger. Even at times almost drowned in my own tears, from the ashes I come forth stronger than ever before. With each moment obstacles crumble and as the dust settles my path becomes more clear. My future becomes more apparent. My destiny becomes known. I am not meant for the things that have been taken from me. Four in reality, they have not been taken from me at all, I have been liberated of them. So that I can for fill my true potential.

The dust begins to settle

I feel as my life is in pieces shattered around me as I lay in the rubble. Dually inflicted from separate intense avenues. First of which for the last two weeks was intense drama between two couples that were living on our land, sanctuary earth. After I trying to reconcile their differences and create harmony and peace I was defeated by the anger and hostility that had approached to the epic climax that the police needed to be called but only three days ago. As the dust begins to settle from the emotional distress of that situation the cracks start to show in a opportunity life-changing. After much investigation, it had come to my awareness that a recent change that was placed on my table, that took me much time to decide whether or not I would even except this change. Upon my acceptance, it was taken away. False dreams were placed into me and solidified with false proof of its legitimacy. When the red flags started waving I found a backdoor into The truth. Upon finding the truth, my first action was to save the individuals that had followed me into this false light. Only after the dust could settle and speaking with the FBI, police, and many lawyers on this subject, could I then realize how deeply this head cut. During the duration of these two situations much of my life was put on hold. Like a large machine that had come to a grinding halt, I now must get the gears moving again. These experiences were not in vain, I am fully aware of the lesson taught in my case in particular. All arrows point to the reality that I must focus on my art. That was the apex I continuously returns to with each twist and turn. Wasting time is the number one thing that frustrates me to no end. It is something I could never retrieve. I must only move forward, never looking back but still learning from those experiences. These experiences are much more numerous and deeper than I am letting on, however my future has never been more clear now since the dust has settled.

Abilities of completion

One difficulty that I have always maintained throughout my life is the inability to create without peers.  Also with this I am in a constant state of seeking a mentor. Which I have yet to find one. I feel much as a creative child abandoned by my prolific artistic parents.  Forever seeking individuals to further my understanding of not only myself, my constant prolific needs, but also the ability to succeed. I am aware that life is a journey, and no matter to what level of success we gravitate to, their perhaps is always a unsettling feeling that we could accomplish more. Perhaps an individual such as myself is never meant to be satisfied. But this being said I am fully aware that I am far from encompassed my full ability at the age I have now reached. I have allowed certain aspects of my life to control and divert my path. I now perhaps later then a could have, am finally waking up and wiping the fog from my eyes. My mind has always been a constant treadmill of information and desires. Constantly aware that any ability that Eyeview I could accomplish. And this desire to accomplish constantly has fueled my every action. My need to be busy, has perhaps overwhelmed my need to be properly productive. There are two aspects that have been holding me back, one of which is that I need peers/mentors to work with/in Spier. The second of which is my sense of instability in my life. That things that I create could be lost in time by damage or the inability to store or probably maintain larger projects. I need not to think this way, but yet still to create. Social media devours much of my creative mentality. I utilize my time to communicate with others rather than be productive. I have recently become true to this realization, and now because I am aware I am able to redirect my path. I have realize that I have a constant need to be active and if my activity is directed towards promotion or communication that need for activity is fed. But not for field. I am only for filled if my time is being utilized with productivity that can then be viewed for hundreds of years. My desire to create is fueled by my fear of being forgotten. I feel that I have too much to offer individuals not only with my words or my art, but also with my full mentality and avenues of creative attack.

I often catch myself becoming inspired by most everything around me. Then perhaps wishing to re-create the feelings or emotions by that thus have inspired me. Because this is such a regular feeling, and so diverse and its completion, I often do not act on these feelings. And because of this I am in a constant state of unrest for lack of completion of things that ID possible for my being. I now at age 34 am rising to an apex of change in my perception of accomplishments and how to direct my attention to complete such tasks. Focus has always been an issue, I admire those individuals who have but yet one desire to complete my main desire is to complete everything. A mass intellect of creativity and communication and most every realm possible. I become inspired, my heart pounds, my eyes water and the excitement rises to a level when I know, not think, but know that I could not only do that which inspires me, but do perhaps a better job. But then I digress, for I do not, and then I am no better than just another talker with big dreams but not acting on them.

I have always seen life's accomplishments as three barrels of water child on top of each other. Floating in space with only a fourth of an inch separating them. No top, no bottom, but simply filled to the Gill with water and no gravitational pull to leak the water from one barrel to the next. I have always felt that I am in the bottom barrel. And now within the last few years at the top of the bottom barrel in a constant state of trying to seek ways to leave this space between to the middle barrel. And I for the first time now feel that I am aware of how to make the transition from the barrel that I now reside in to the next dimension. And it is something simple that I have always known before, however the realize Asian of the veil being removed from my eyes makes the ability to do so that more much more in evitable. I must remove the obstacles that ale me. The need for peers and mentors and the fear of in a stability. With this I will have the ability to actually, just do it. I already have a head up on many of my peers, I have the great ideas, but now to graduate to the next barrel, I must act on them. And that is my change of attention.  my focus will be on completion, although previously seemed a simple task and of which I was aware, always seemed just out of my reach of abilities. However now, I am able.

The need for permanence

Nothing is permanent, to be organic, to live, to evolve, things must be in a constant state of change and evolution. However, often change comes with a unsettling feeling of instability. This instability fear often drives people to a constant verbal abuse of individuals expectations as well as the community. Although this verbal abuse would out worldly seem positive, the inevitable change that will more often than not resume more painful than necessary. 

People more often than not curse himself with positivity as often as they do negativity. 

Executions of actions.

Being a catalyst of community for as long as I have, I have met many individuals that have shown a verbal desire towards leadership, however a inability to execute their own verbal ambitions. I have come to the sad realization that most, although intentions may be extremely good, their actual track record of completion is sparse. I am not aware of why this is, or how to work with these individuals. I have come to the awareness of 5 basic personality types in this way. The first of which and not necessarily the most popular, 

- The bystander: an individual that stands around as work is being done, perhaps trying to look busy, never taking initiative or asking what tasks need to be done. - - - The hider: the individual that attends the Trinity creation event, but then makes themselves extremely scarce physically by either simply not being around, or intentionally or unintentionally harming themselves or becoming ill so they are unable to complete tasks physically. 

- The talker: an individual with great ideas, verbal addition, and often high strong and has potential to be a great leader. However the execution of their ideas is often not followed through. As the hider, they often for one reason or another, often out of their own control are unable to complete tasks.

- The leader: someone who needs to constantly be in a state of development and movement. With problem solving skills. Someone who takes the initiative when they see a job needs to be done. Anything small from the point of simply picking up trash, to the completion of a project that has been voiced. Someone that follows through to completion of tasks given to them by others or themselves.

- The worker: an individual that has no need for leadership however it's always wanting to keep moving to get tasks completed. These individuals have a high work ethic and a desire to see productivity brought to completion. Although they may never take initiative to start a job on their own, they will ask For a task and follow it through to completion and continue this pattern until the workday is over.

I have also come to the awareness of several other outskirts personality types.

- The taker: an individual that offers nothing, and will only come around on the tasks are completed to wreak the benefit of the labor of the community.

- The hermit: although passive and Shy, this individual will complete any task given with perhaps never asking for help and never needing help. They are self-sufficient and would be a leader if they had a outgoing personality. Will be extremely productive on their own project, however not too interested in working with the community on community projects.

-

Actions speak louder than words, most individuals that I've come across talk a good talk, but are they able to back up their words? Do they take initiative? Are do they complete tasks? And if not, Why? I'm sure there is a plethora of reasons depending on the situation.

Gripping depression

I have always had a gripping depression, just beneath the seams. It has been like this for the entirety of my where existence. Sometimes they seem to bury it deeper and it only comes out when I have stayed still enough to let it catch up with me. I must remain in a constant state of motion. For it is always just behind me. Often I stay many paces in front of it. But it always catches up with me. They could be months between the times it touches me, and often its embrace even though cold maybe welcomes. For the familiarity of these dark emotions, can be as comforting as they are just concerning. With these calm great creativity, as many artists have been aware. Feeling so strong can only create such beauty if it is allowed to blossom to its full form. And although this can sometimes be destructive, being creative with the destructive element can be therapeutic. Because only when everything is destroyed, Ken new things come into be.

The sadness leak

The sadness has once again leaked inside me. 

Makes me wonder what this life is all about. 

Till the rain in my eyes is the only thing I can see. 

Makes me want to open the cracks to let the red water out. 

Constantly on the move from it 24-7

Knowing if I slow the sadness is just behind me. 

So I scream to the heaven,

For it to loosen its grip to set me free. 

Staying active still forever wired, 

I try to escape, but I find myself in the way. 

However Running has made me quite tired.

Even if I flee, here I stay.

I rant

And I plead for it to leave me be, 

But it can't, 

For the sadness is inside me. 

Dry my eyes from the river falls. 

I try to escape but the sadness calls. 

Drowning in unmarked sorrow not needed. 

Just leave me be I begged and I pleaded. 

For lovers we have been so long. 

Caressing my art, poetry and song. 

The sadness leaking is the key,

For it had leaked from inside me. 

Lust - part one

I suppose, that there are many ways to pick up a lady. And perhaps even more ways to pick up a woman. More ways still to pick up a slut. One should not utilize the same bates of communication for all types of females. There is one bait that will get all females, and another bait which I see all too often, that will only get sluts. And perhaps a slut is what is desired.

I speak of this because of the crudeness of men that approach me. I understand they don't want to play games and cut to the chase. Sending me photos of their dicks as a introduction. And this is a very direct communication, which I do appreciate the directness. However be at that I am a lady and desire a man with more tact and class, as well as a sense of mystery. I will sweetly decline his offer. It is at this point he continues and becomes an irritation such as a dog humping my leg. Is he unaware of the uninvolved animalistic persanna he is putting forth? Is his testosterone so High that he is simply unaware that he comes off as a Neanderthal? Primitive and barbaric? 

Because of the Prasanna that I put forth with my public image I receive anywhere from 5 to 30 images of penises a day. I am aware that I am a sex icon, and this is a perception that has been a constant affliction. It is not only my public image but also my willingness to communicate that brings forth these undesired results. 

Be at a student of humanity, I am often curious of their success rate. I suppose if you hump enough legs, legs will open for you. However what quality are they receiving? Do they have any interest in quality or is it simply quantity? Simply the need for novelty? 

Lust is a extremely strong human emotion, perhaps the strongest of all. I have felt it's hold on me numerous times. And to be honest, I enjoy it. I do enjoy acting on it, but I enjoy the mistry, the chase, the curiosity being fed. The longing often fades shortly after the action. So prolonging the longing sustains the excitement. 

I suppose that sometimes you just need to get the job done, and perhaps these men are in committed relationships so they have not the time nor the interest to further communicate. So direct communication at first is appreciated. However like anything else, it is not what you say, but how you say it. Use tact, be classy. And if the desire is not reciprocated then let it go. Do not continue it. Then you seem desperate. No one wants a desperate. 

However, if the interest is reciprocated, then no holds bar. Let it go, with open communication, but still with tact. And perhaps with a bit of mystery. 

Because, what good is the hunt, if you shoot the pray before you leave the house?

Destination communication

We need to collect our weapons of mass communication, 

and destroy their ignorance with our words of demolition. 

Remove this fear that has created this isolation.

And stop societies constant interrogation.

We must be honest with ourselves too then bring the truth to manifestation.

To create a world of awareness as one great nation.

This should be humanities one true destination.

Obscure rambling of a mindless wonder 2001

September 2 2001

Mindless babble causing trouble. Creating places never traveled. Meeting people I'm desired, working where I wish to be retired. Rooftop hopping, lifetime cropping, choose be told to those that learn. I fear my future and crave it still. Never need to bleed my soul. All I have told is my need to be true when all I need is twofold and die. Why must we lie when the gift of speech to five this. My meet is meeting the meet of another and to conquer this feat is my goal. To be my need is to believe that my truth is told. What is this that I hold so close, so dear, when all I fear is inside me. This need makes me bleed and my goal creates this hole. 

Is this future that I seek within me? Can I believe what it is that I see in me? I try so hard but my life is barred from my true desire. Two breeze this fire that brings me higher and raises questions within me. To see the life for what it is and to take life's quizzes, will I bail if I fail? I look at the quality of life's Little strife and how simple we humans are.

Life is funny and this needed for money drives us endlessly towards our end. I work very diligently and I am to marry most of the houses. But when I fall, it can be far. I need someone to help me when I am down. I get tired of all this and with my fist I will see this through.

My life with this color blue and sometimes read that when I am fed makes me full. Mindless babble creating truth that I may not have seen about myself in the past.

I need order, and so many times that I have spoke these words. What is the cause of the wars that create conflict in me so. My life makes sense and with each move I understand my goal I'll little bit more.

I now am moving once again, with each move I gain higher ground. I am proud of my past, it is not a question if it will last. I am secure in my thoughts and I know the cost. This is something that I am willing to pay. My passion I will never keep at bay and I must say I love it's so.

Now with this new start I will live my arts and my writing will live through me. I need to write… I mean right, and at times I do. As now, I go through phases. I wish to a while more, this embraces my soul, of my gold. Place my soul straight into my goal.

Now what is this task, you might ask, that creates this goal that I speak of so. It is to live my art and make me complete as I make it home. To write my heart to take me apart to learn myself and what makes me stealth. 

My quiet times to myself, I can be loud but I hate the crowd.

This may not make sense, you cannot build a fence around my soul. What I am trying to say is I cannot be controlled and neither can my words.

I do not run with the herds. I wish to remain alone. With only my books and my art to counsel. All this writing hurts my hand, still it does demand that I write these words to you. Whom are you, these words are meant for me. These are meant to set me free, to make me believe, all that I say and all that I have done, has not been done in vain.

Now to the next step, to being this rambling to constructive thought. As if there is such a thing. Although this may all seem without reason but rhyme. And the sense that you may make of it may not make sense to me. The sense to me that I see, in these words that released me. It's from my subconscious that these words bleed. And with such speed they fall upon these pages, teaching me, what I need. By this rambling I am beginning to see what it is that makes me and what I need to complete what I believe could set me free.

It feels good to write my thoughts, even if they do not make total sense, it is coming from me and makes me see what it is that is inside of me.

I have a long way to go before I really know what it is that makes Mimi. And in case I go insane as I feel I sometimes do at least I have this book written for you.

September 8 2001

Time to run, time to hide, time for love and time for pride. Time for need and the time to believe. I plead for the need to bleed upon these pages.

Trouble us not.

Why must our mouths be so cold?

September 10 2001

The space that I am now making is my own. To make this base upon me grown. To feel the house become a home. I now can start to see this space become a chewed gallery. I feel whole and now my life is bold and I was told that it would be this way.  I had to pay for the time that played for the opportunity given from heaven.

My heart drops in my soul crumbles as I question why I love him so. I do not know this feeling origin or whether it is Friend or Photo. He is so grand, so negative. So gracious at making my anger grow. And he tries, never lies, And if I leave him so he cries. This may be real, this feeling I feel. Or perhaps, it'll just take time to heal.

September 11, 2001

And now that the world seems so bold, to grow so cold, to feel the base of humanity crumbled to the ground. Everywhere that is found, and most every direction, is the hatred. of our manifestation. The billowing bowels of the flames fire, feeding with hatred the flame goes higher. Is it from home or in it's far beyond? Is it a stranger or someone we hold fond? Living with liars they create this fire and burning this desire for need of hate feels our plate and makes us all feel we can relate. Feeding us words to manifest these lies, when will we realize, that these words that fly, are untruths that make us sit calmly by.

So many questions enter our mind, what do you feel is the truth will find? Pointing at others when perhaps the finger should be pointed ourself, feeding our minds with politics and religious filth. Creating such hatred which then begins to bind us, and if you look in this rubble, you will find us.

Untruth

To speak that which is a untruth, a lie, defies very gift of speech itself, and therefore those individuals whom few allies so freely from their mouth without considering of the consequences should be denied the very gift of speech!

Societies judging eyes

Unfortunately, judgment from one generation to the next is always been a continuous affliction of society in general. Generation gaps is caused much undesired misunderstandings and unneeded conflict. Fear of the unknown and mentality of ignorance is bliss has created a barrier between generations since the dawn of time. Societies have placed the walls of what is right around individuals too frightened to have their own opinions. Or more so to make their opinions public. So many stay in hiding, and perhaps scold those who have the ability to communicate and act with freedom. For the simple reason that they are unable to. Close mindedness create security within a group. Anything outside the realm of normal can be a threat and cause unwanted mentality of expression in the group. Each generation feels this with the generation that precedes them. In most every culture, since there has come about change. 

Sexuality has always been a social faux pas. And most every direction imaginable. From the orgies of Rome to the Spanish Inquisition. From the terminology of the word fag that the man is no better than the sticks he is burnt with, to the encouragement of homosexuality in armies only a Century ago for the simple reason that you would fight harder for a lover then you would've friends.

Society and it's judgments is much like a angry teenager who has no full understanding of the outside world but still puts their opinions upon it. 

Nature's empathy

I hold a constant desire within me to retreat to the wilderness. To bury my body and ears and embrace the purity that surrounds me. To have no need for society, or societies so-called gifts. Hey Dizzys gifts that have sleep. Creating a species of want, a race of need, A community of desire.

She stripped naked and wander into the wilderness, with no fear that you cannot survive. To have the liberation of the full understanding of nature. And to embrace all the beauty that surrounds. Not have a mentality of negativity or positivity. You just be in a constant state of being. And awareness of motion, tranquility, of experience. To only hold the responsibility of oneself. Cannot be controlled by situations out of your hand.

To wander into the wilderness in the nude, not only by lack of clothing but also my lack of want. To be in the pure state of existence, to truly live in the now.

To appreciate each moment, as a gift that it truly is. To allow yourself to have the time for your inner monologue, to develop to discover who you really are. To remove the shackles of society, to leave Babylon strikes back to the ocean. Back to the beginning of our evolution. Back to the cells that embody us. That create us. That R us. Back to the elements that run through us, that's came from the furthest star. That boil in a eternal fire to be shot out into space to only become us. To embrace our Adams, to feel our electrons fly around the nucleus. To slow my thoughts to the vibrations of the earth. To become one with our existence. To remove all questions because we know the answers. To remove all strife because we have no fear. To remove all conflict because we have absolute communication. To remove misunderstandings, because we embrace empathy.

Deep communication

With my interactions with individuals from adolescence to know a adult, I have come to the realization that much communication has been placed aside for mediocre understanding of anyone external as well as oneself. Secrets are kept, lies are fed, and many aspects of one's true personality remain hidden. By this I speak not only of the actions from moment to moment, but the actions and happenstance that has created that individual that reacts in that moment. Without a full understanding of one's past one cannot fully embrace the mentality of one's present. And not only the circumstances, but your hand in it.

The world is full of choices, many of which are ours, or chosen for us. It is a montage of these situations they create the entities that we are in this moment. The communication of this, from one human to another. Is often lacking. People wish not to discuss the deeper parts of themselves, and wish not to hear those same parts of other individuals. The fear of on ability if this knowledge was to somehow be utilized against them ever any true deep connection. However, if someone owns their choices, then they 

We are surrounded by strangers, and I Families, R Holmes, our spouses, and our peers. hold no fear of judgment. If one judges another four acts of the past, that could only be a reflection of themselves and perhaps their own judgments on themselves.

I speak from my own personal experience of an individual that have been placed into this world of clothes individuals with open communication. I have been scolded and stifled for my mentality and my desire to communicate. I do not see the benefit of ignorance. I wish to understand all. And with this understanding, this knowledge, comes power. By having experiences perhaps found upon by most of society, not hiding those experiences for they made me who I am, and moreover not shielding these experiences from individuals that I communicate with. How can one truly love I appreciate me if they do not know the pieces made me who I am. I suppose they can simply look at the picture of the puzzle and be satisfied, however knowing it's pieces and spending the time to put it together is more beneficial than buying the puzzle already constructed. we are surrounded by strangers in our family, our houses, our partners, peers, and perhaps deeper relationship still. It seems that individuals spend more time building future experiences rather than understanding past once. The past experiences are the foundation of our mere existence. They are the things that made us who we are at this moment. And without understanding of where we are less able to understand where we are going. And be it this, also, it becomes more difficult to generate a new path if you do not know the vehicle you are driving.

It is this lack of communication externally and internally that creates the species of self ignorance. We are a species with at leisure, from our history as humans, to our family heritage, two situations within our own past and we follow this example into the future of not knowing our spouse are sharing with our spouse who we are. 

This lack of communication upon the society that we praise saddens me. I wish to open my arms and allow communication to penetrate me as I can place my communication on the world. I am aware that it is not in fact what you say, but how you say it. However, being silent is not the answer. This will only carry Reage miscommunication, misunderstandings and with it a passive aggressive individual or relationship.

Self absorbed communication

Today regular socially inappropriate focus of speaking or writing is often to discuss one's self. However, how can one surely discover the true nature of oneself if not it's pieces to be dissected and discussed? This is a external interaction that I often struggle with. I not only enjoy dissecting my own mentality with others, but also desire a full understanding of whom I speak with.

People tend to have a laxitydazadle way of communication about them. Most tends to simply dance on the surface, never diving too deep. The terminology of, I am an open book, seems to have faded into the past. Most individuals focus more energy on developing the avatar/mask that they parade around with rather than discovering their true nature. Always in fear that others will immolate them. However one could never avatar your true being.

Only with learning your true nature can you then truly further yourself to your ultimate self. To perhaps the avatar you are imitating. The act of being rather than imitation takes both the courage to understand oneself and the ability to communicate it.

I often communicate with other writers. And becoming aware of the social faux pas of being self absorbed in one's literature, I question whether or not I am of this way.

I agree, that most often I do speak only to hear myself talk. To dissect my mentality to become a better version of myself. This is why I more often than not tend to write rather then communicate with another. Not burden another with my mentality.

I suppose like anyone else, I wish not to have the judgment placed upon me. It is fear that controls most all of nature, and the lack of fear perhaps it only maintained within the mind of a true psychopath. I lack much fear that others embrace on a daily basis. However my empathy is far greater than many of my peers.

And how would I know these things if I did not communicate with others? And how would I know who I am if I did not get perspective from my peers? I may never know my problems on how to better myself if I do not have the courage to ask. However simply the courage to ask me not be enough without giving a well-rounded perspective of who I am to the individual that is giving me feedback.

So, speaking about myself I must do. I do not see it as a at a vanity, more as an act of self-awareness. I hope to discover all that surrounds me, encompasses me, and it is me. Without such knowledge how could I ever become the ultimate me to not only myself but my friends and peers?

Hit the ground running from depression

I feel that my mind is constantly racing, perhaps more so than the phrase has led on. I often am curious whether or not this feeling as it is as consistent and other individuals. It often is difficult to quiet my mind enough to even sleep. But I must have a constant influx of information to slow The thought process of my mind down enough to rest. So to sleep, I study oceanography, mentality, the solar system. And with these studies I can relax, my mind slows to only the information given and I can sleep. And yet I awaken in the morning, hitting the ground running. Ready to take on all that surrounds me. With no hesitation, fear or sense of boredom. The very feeling of boredom actually creates much anxiety and me. At first it was confusing, as if, what is this feeling? Not a feeling I must admit that comes to me very often. And when it does, it is immediately accompanied with depression. So in a sense I suppose I am in a constant state of running from depression. For stagnation creates immense debilitating rights that become difficult to climb out of.

How can ignorance be bliss if knowledge is power?

Communication is key and yet so many people neglect to utilize it. And many more abuse it. Our learning of communication starts with the moment we open our eyes. Perhaps even in the womb. Yet our ability to communicate is forever evolving. And many actually never learn a motional communication. A separation of gender or society may create walls that is debilitating for proper communication. And without proper communication as the foundation to any relationship, how does one hope to have a strong relationship. So with all our teachings of communication, we are never taught to communicate. We are never taught social cues, body language, or emotional intelligence. And I guarantee there is a plethora of individuals that are fully unaware that such things even exist.

This unfortunate reality saddens me. And I am curious of the moments that man separated language from communication. People live in a constant state of fear, and with this fear they create masks and avatars in which they create the personality they wish to be. Rather then learn in embrace whom they actually are. So even communication within oneself is decapitated. So most of humanity wanders around as zombies with the inability to communicate externally because it was severed within them to communicate internally.

It then becomes A task at hand to teach communication to the masses so domination of feelings not understood is not manifest upon our society. We live in this realm now, surrounded by ignorance. And it grants is not bliss. How could ignorance be bliss if knowledge is power?

Further from father

I have seen a whole new side of my father that I was never aware could've possibly existed. Perhaps it just had not previously existed for at least a long amount of time. For the entirety of my awareness of him he has always had a very strong, abrasive, verbally abusive as it was neglectful, intensity about him. I often felt as he was not in fact my father as he was my boss. Continuously pleased with the knowledge that he gave me, however constantly striving for his attention as a father. Forever seeking his approval on my many projects, never feeling as he is proud of me.

I recall the first moment that he had ever said that he loved me. And that he was in fact proud of me. It did more than bring a tear to Mayeye. It was when I was in Vegas staying at the Circus Circus Hotel on the fifth floor looking out the window over the pool. I was discussing with him the adventures of my tour with the band orgy. It was part of this discussion but he voiced that he was proud of the adventures and the Accomplishments that I have those far succeeded. I feel that he has perhaps held a fear that I would supersede him. Something that perhaps all parents hoped-for but may also fear. As a type of almost sibling rivalry he has in many ways constantly debilitated my abilities towards proper evolving.

He has always had a short fuse, snapping at me at any moment for most anything. Every time he called I had to prepare myself emotionally for the abuse. It became very difficult, to the point that I left Florida and became a strange from my father for a number of years. The inability for constructive communication was crippling. He has never been a open individual, and it has often been difficult to get honest feelings if any emotion out of him. Much as a robot with predetermined programming, his communications were often based more so of three recorded selfish meanderings, then thoughtful intellectual conversation of two parties. More often than not, it seems that he simply had the desire to hear himself speak. And when you spoke he was not listening, but more so waiting for his time to interrupt or speak.

However in the last few months since he has embraced the aspect of releasing the resort and moving on with his life, his future seems bright and the depression that has embraced his reality for so long and created this obvious socially dysfunctional he overt man, is coming to a end. Even the thought of passing the resort on to me gave him no release. And with this I hold no malice, I simply let go. So we are both liberated from the constrains and controls of the resort.

With this newly found liberation my father is free, this personality has fully come circle. He is much more pleasant to be around and now when he contacts me it isn't a sense of construction rather than destruction. His eyes are wide and upon his lips lay a smile. For the first time and perhaps over two decades he feels the white weight of the world lifted off his shoulders. I am sure now as being an adult myself and feeling much of the same pressures, that it was this that had created the personality that I had grown to know as my father. Perhaps feeling that this was a constant state of his being, not at all feeling that it was circumstantial. Since I was a child I had always looked up to him. Constantly absorbing all that I could from his intellect. Yet how I desire that I communication was better so he could truly teach me all that he has learned. His stubbornness and selfishness far outweighs his responsibility as a parent. He has a desire to see me do well, and he gives me what tools he can to do so as long is it does not interrupt the flow of his selfishness.

With these changes he has not become selfless, nor a better communicator. However, he has become a more pleasant one. And that is all the change I need in the world.

Allure

I love the mentality of the masses of society today. When confronted with a intellectual medium they will most always pass it over for a aspect of beauty or sexuality. More often than not visual. And when I say I love this, I am being facetious. LOL it is actually quite frustrating when you encompass both the mind of a philosopher and the body of a porn star and all anyone's comments on is your body. I came into the awareness of this as an adolescent, so I have learned to utilized my sexuality as a lore to pull people to inquire within. By within, I mean my mentality. You pervert. Lol

The path to happiness

For the first time in my life since high school, I truly feel my life moving forward. Even though my successes have been numerous in the last 12 years, I have not felt for filled by them. I am not sure what makes the difference of the feeling of fulfillment between my separate accomplishments. And to be honest, I was not even aware that I was feeling unfulfilled until the recent feeling of fulfillment came to be. Perhaps it is the action of doing things that truly make me happy rather than being productive. I feel that could honestly be the true path that has changed. 

Love - my personal explanation

In the next few writings, I will do my best to describe my own personal mentality on the subject as well as my peers who have communicated with me in extent in these avenues.

LOVE

What is love, if not only a chemical addiction between a individual and another. Even a individual and a familiar. An individual develops love to bind themselves with a thing of interest. The line between love and obsession is almost nonexistent. The separation is simply whether I'm not the feeling is healthy and or perhaps reciprocated.

An individual can love another individual equally as an animal or an adamant object. Depending on one's viewpoint of the meaning of love is whether or not one can have such feelings for something that may not reciprocate those same feelings be at whether it is love or an obsession.

The act of love is simply to be surrounded with that is familiar. The feeling of love can be developed with simply embracing a person or a object for a long amount of time. Placing your focus on to anything physical or nonmaterial can generate the feelings of love.

For example: if your brother gives you a necklace, despite your visual appreciation for this object you wear it out of respect for your brother. Over time you become accustomed to this object and your feelings of separation create a pit within you. Your appreciation for this object that you once had no visual appreciation for has grown for the simplicity of the act of it being familiar. Often the act of being familiar is enough, but coupled with emotional experiences solidify that bond.

It is this exact feeling that generates the bonding aspects of love of neglectful or abusive couples. The constant familiarity along with the fear of being alone drives individuals to stay and unhealthy situations for extended amount of times despite their loved ones please for separation. For with each negative then positive act becomes a new block in the wall that surrounds and binds these individuals. It is these memories that create contentment even in a volatile situation. Often the couple Will wall themselves off completely from anyone else. This act is more an act of misunderstanding which creates jealousy from feelings that route from in adequacy and more often than not guilt.

Love is more diverse than the word allows the communication to be had. The love of a friend or sibling can most often be greater with the lack of inflection of turmoil that often accompanies romantic relationships. It is this fear that generates the reality that often occurs when one become friend zoned, often against the other individuals better desires. It is the fear of losing this connection in friendship that may border on family that is felt that a lustful action could create disrespect or more interest than desired and therefore unwanted change. However, it is the emotional bonds, this love that will forever bring these friends as siblings back together in discussion of external events. And it is this bonding that will create this love, and the fear of crossing intimate lines for the thoughts that evidentially The relationship may crumble and the thought of losing that friend with that relationship is not worth the sexual act.

Puppy love is one of the greatest feelings of all times. The love of young with out the burden of experience. Where the sky is the limit and there is no where to fall. But with this the first heartbreak is the most devastating of all. And with each continued heartbreak the pain never lessons but the awareness of it lingers and perhaps paddens the below.

The Bunny phase is often familiar with the emotions of puppy love. The initial all-encompassing endorphin rush of someone new. When both individuals are so focused on the aspects of novelty that problems are far out of sight. This novelty can give such a rush, and is much of the reason of addiction of pornography. It can create the most awesome high, but like many drugs, only last a short while till you strive for it once again. When you are coupled with another individual that is going through the same chemical reactions it can be heaven. If communication is complete than the fear of what the other individuals intentions can be removed so the experience it can be felt and its entirety. This aspect of a relationship can last anywhere from two weeks to three months, and in some individuals can last for years or longer if being constantly fed.

Long-term love can be generated with constant communication and friendship in the romantic relationship. I have become aware of the unfortunate reality that many romantic relationships are based on the understood ignorance of its individuals. With this endurance of ignorance the relationship is not based on true love as much as the fear of being alone and having to start all over with another future prospect. The whole felt inside with in an individual that embraces this type of relationship as their own is that of the loss of something familiar, not true love. Truelove is developed with the constant communication and reassurance of both individuals needs and desires within the evolution of that relationship personalized. With empathy and a lack of judgment a relationship can rise to a height of truelove and full understanding of the individuals. There are three important components to respect with in a relationship. Partner one, partner two, and the relationship. The relationship comes before the personal desires of each individual. When the relationship is look at as its own entity,  the relationship can blossom for the removal of selfishness creates a more pure viewable path of the ultimate destination of synchronicity and nirvana. For this communication to be complete one must remove oneself mentality from projecting on your partner. Empathy is key. But not to the point that you lose your own views. Empathy must be given on both sides to have a well-rounded aspect of communication and understanding. Even the act of agreeing to disagree is all more powerful then the demanding aspect of needing to be right. With this communication of having your lover be your best friend, true love can conquer any bounds and carry-on perhaps into the next life, realm, reality or whatever you believe.

There are many more aspects of love, and love can go deeper and create worlds as quickly as it can destroy them. Love can lift you or break you, you can float on it I'll be drug down to the depths of hell. The emotional rush of endorphins is all in lightning and the loss of it can be the darkest pit. If you hold the emotional awareness of each door that shuts as for the experience itself for only another door to open then each experience will become more beautiful than the last with the removal of fear. The lack of fear will generate a more purely powerful love with all that surrounds you. Without fear you are more able to ask the questions to give you the ability to understand what it is you are truly looking for. You must love yourself to love another, and you must know yourself to love yourself, and to know yourself you must explore yourself and all these situations both negative and positive to get a full well rounded mentality on who you are and what you really want. If you constantly see yourself being put in the same situation, it is because you are putting yourself there. If it is a negative situation, then see the catalyst and remove it. If you do not like The destination and get off the path. It is truly as simple as that. Remove the fear and you will gain truelove. If you project understanding you will receive understanding. If you project honesty you will receive honesty. If you project love, you will receive love.

"Friend Zoned" love-lust-crushes-dating

Here is a subject of such complexity that even I have a difficulty in separating the thoughts to comprehension all sentences.

Love-lust-crushes-dating…

The intensity of these feelings be at both and individuals that you know well and perhaps have just stumbled upon is diverse and can be all encompassing as it is debilitating. Perhaps not all too often be its the end result as uplifting as the journey itself.

These can be very different depending on your gender. When it is said that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, take that to heart, our brains have evolved totally separately with different needs and chemical addictions. When a man and a woman try to project their mentality on their partner rather than empathize with the mentality of that individual all hell can break out in miscommunication.

However communication is set for a Nother blog, here I am speaking of love-last-crushes-dating. In my personal experience of dating and speaking to others on a emotional level to have been in wrapped in such acts, perhaps the Chase is more fulfilling than the capture. And metaphoric speaking, the hunt is more gratifying than the kill because once it is killed it is dead. This is a very female thought process. Which is why it seems that females despite the intense physical need for sex may hold out and seem to be playing games. Prolonging the experience. Many men do this as well, and this is the man that I personally gravitate towards. However, I have seen with being polyamorous and dating woman, that most woman like a firm direct hand towards sexuality and perhaps not cording at all. This controversy deflects my very understanding of what I think I understand. Perhaps I am reflecting my own desires and not necessarily the desires of my peers. Is gender such a difference in this mentality? And be at that there is not only men and woman, but also a large gray area in the sexes. And let's not forget about nature versus nurture.

When I contemplate my crushes of the past, I do not come up with a consistent flow of interest and events. At times a crush can last for years even when being rejected repeatedly. And others the crush only maintains while the unknown is still ever present. At times knowledge can extinguish the flame of excitement. For me it is the act of gaining this knowledge that is exciting, as exciting as the act of for filling sexually. However I, as many females, fear that after the hunt, the kill, the relationship will change. 

A consensus in the female mind of sex is that once we allow a man to explore our sexuality, The interest and him will either die, or become more then perhaps we are interested in.

It is this a abrupt change that often generates fear and most woman. Females tend to enjoy consistency, with a flair of adventurous aspects. But with the consistency come security, and a woman strives for security.

Although hard to put into words, this thought has been bumbling around in my brain through the last few months of conversations with my partner as well as other couples and singles. Many individuals come to me for counsel in their life and relationships. And I give what Council I can from my own experience of my life and the experiences that others have informed me of.

In age direction of conscious focus to this abstract overall idea, is when men come to me in complaint of females that have "friend zoned" them.

I myself has been guilty of friend zoning many of my male companions whom I became very close with however never sexual. My reasoning behind this can be dual with almost a opposite aspect of actions. Of course one of which is the level of physical attraction one may hold for the other. With woman physical attraction is not as important as emotional embracement. However this being said a woman has a fear of losing that individual with the act of sex greater then the desire to keep the friendship platonic. So perhaps this is always a poorly drawn line. When a female takes a friend as a brother, and there is any level of attraction there, she has thought of it. But does not want to disrupt the purity of the relationship.

Woman have a deep rooted fear that once the act of sexuality is carried out the man will no longer respect her. And moreover the lack of Chase lowers the excitement endorphins within the female. I speak of this from experience, not only from within myself, but from in-depth conversations with many other females. Once we carry the acts of lust with a man we no longer have the same power over him. And by power I do not mean this in a vindictive way. Simply that a woman wants to feel that she is important and the Chase prove this to her. Once she is caught the Chase is no more relevant and so the man may put his attention elsewhere. And not only this, if the relationship is not desired to grow to become formal than the friendship is faded when either individual gets a partner. For now the relationship has gone from brother sister which created security in that bond two past lovers. So now perhaps a new relationship would've threaten the previous bond of closeness because a sexual act was played out. So often to a female the act itself is not worth all of these consequences of losing that friend in any way. This is why a equally attractive man could be friend zone.

If the female is not attracted to the man it's simply rides in the fact that she does not lust for him. Without the desire of lust sexuality is less likely to occur. This is not always the case, for a woman would always choose a lesser attractive male who can offer her more in the sense of stability and resources then a extremely attractive man who has nothing going for him. She may marry the man whom has more the ability to take care of her and her brood but still have lustful reactions with the attractive man on the side. Not only men cheat, Man and woman both cheat just as often and for as much in the same realm of reasons as they are totally separate. But this is for another discussion.

I am at this time simply getting the words onto paper so I can organize them for the book I am writing on the subjects. This is very often the discussions that I hold with many couples and singles. Many levels of these subjects paying the interest of my peers. My ability to discuss them verbally is greater than that which to write down. This is what I am working on, and I appreciate you being part of this experience.

This could be expanded on immensely. However I will let it end with this. I am not giving men a answer how to get out of the friend zone with a woman. I still need further studying externally and within myself to be able to give proper counsel. However, I am giving empathy to the men on the mentality of the females that may be placing them in this unwanted category. Knowledge is power, so with this perhaps you are a little more powerful. Woman need communication, perhaps more than men. And if it is communicated that the relationship would never change and this communication was without full honesty and perhaps the friend zone could be removed. However I cannot it all guarantee this. It all rides on the individuals. This subject will need to be dived into further, and I will, I just need more time to communicate with others. If you have anything to say on this subject please feel free to discuss it with me one-on-one. It will help me with my writing and with helping others. I always appreciate your input.

A constant need for movement

One thing that has become more apparent to me about my personality, is my constant need for movement. It has kept me immensely productive throughout my life. And to know and. I recently have come to the realization that downtime is very difficult for me. My anxiety  often raises to a 10 when I try to take a day off. Or several hours during a day. I have no difficulty sleeping at night, however a full nights sleep to most people is too much for me. I am happy with 3-5 hours a night. I awaken alert and full of energy. Ready for the next day. However, if I am productive for only an hour to and then I try to relax my anxiety prevents it. It tends to throw me in a almost immediate depression. I'll try to watch documentaries, study, or perhaps even nap. Knowing that my last few days or week were extremely productive. I fight with my desire for production to take off time. 

I am not aware of a moment that this began. I actually feel that I have always been this way, since I was a child, and I simply am now for the first time realizing it. I have always been over productive, and a need for constant movement. My last name does mean the river, and I've always felt similar to this. If I begin to pool I stagnate, with my stagnation my waters become putrid. So to become clean, I am in need of constant flow.

This became more apparent to me with the first times I tried psychedelics. In my 30s I have experimented with recreational medicines for my first time. With these experiments much of my true beeing has come to the forefront. Which at the time was definitely emphasized in emotion. And although this is something that I rarely have a desire to dabble in. I am glad that I have this better understanding of my true nature.

But how do I become in control of this.? The time that I find the easiest to relax, is my time away from home. Perhaps at a festival or a camping trip. Then I am fully able to let go.

The road to happiness-extended

Innoway, perhaps more for my own gratification than from any published public acknowledgment. I would like to list the small recent accomplishments that have put me on this new path. Perhaps the main of which is the reestablishment of my personal website. Bringing back my personal identity once again. My website has been inactive for also close to a decade. Ever since front page was no longer being used. Besides this many other little things I have been able to complete on my house and my vehicles. Mainly because in the past I was never able to afford it. However because my life partner is covering the bills, my funds can go towards bettering our life. Much of my life's personal production had been put on hold and the last 10 years. Blue the motor on my car, never finished remodeling my house, never finish my porch, both my vehicles needed a Thone of work both within the motor itself and Astetic. The motor on my car was blown for over a year and my new convertible Toyota MR to Spider 2001 just sat covered. However the motor is replaced thanks to the encouragement of my partner. Although he wanted to sell both vehicles and perhaps downgrade, this is not at all my desire. My desire is to fix both vehicles and upgrade. He is now starting to see this view. I have been remodeling my jeep. Taking Ed apart piece by piece and fixing the visual aspect of the interior. As well as buying new tires for both vehicles because the wire was sticking out and was well past to do a change. We finally finished the roof on our porch and we are closing it in. This will double the size of our living situation. This small list of simple things has given me much personal gratitude. This new gratification for my life is giving me the positive productive feelings that I had to been lacking. I do feel that this is just the beginning. And although just some this may seem as nothing, getting the pieces of my life put back in order has really given me a new outlook. Giving me pride with my surroundings has increased my creativity and my ability to project that creativity. I have been in a creative damn for a decade, and I know truly feel that the creative juices are flowing.

The road to happiness

For the first time in my life since high school, I am truly feeling for filled with my activities and rate of production. It may be that perhaps the thing that I have changed is I have become a little more selfish with my time. I'm sad to say that, that may be the thing that has changed my recent outlook. I feel that in the last 12 years I have encompassed on many endeavors that have given a greater benefit to the individuals involved than myself. The amount of time and stress that I put into these endeavors although at the time I felt was benefiting me, I now feel were a detriment to my personal development. With the tree fort village that I am embarking on now, even though it is still a community endeavor, I feel more satisfied with my production. I am not too sure why the change. However, besides this, I have stepped away from Florida modeling network for the next year. Allowing my manager to run it 100%. Doing this I also am forfeiting any income that I was getting from it. However the freedom from it has opened me to helping my father with the resort, and better yet, the ability to create my artwork once again. More than anything, I feel that it is the production of my art that has filled me with satisfaction. Secondly the new focus that I have on forwarding my personal life and surroundings. Completing tasks on my house and vehicles that have sat uncompleted for the last decade. This is another great reason for my recent happiness with my path. The third reason and change in my recent life that I feel is generating these warm feelings, is simply this which I am doing now, my ability to start writing again. There was a time where I was prolific in my writing. Keeping many journals at once. However over the last decade my writing productivity is come to almost a complete halt. At first it halted in my personal arena with my handwritten journals, and then with the change of MYSPACE over to Facebook, the lack of blogs slowed my interest. Taking time for myself every day, and finding blogger on the Internet, which I had already had for years but not utilized, has great Lee helped me. Taking time for oneself speaks louder than the action itself. The final change that I have placed into my life be at willingly bar by happen chance, is the liberation of a obsession with my partner. Every relationship that I have been in for the last six years has been unstable therefore had taken a extra amount of my awareness and focus on the relationship to keep it functioning. With this extra constant I on my relationship, I held a level of obsession with my partner and a constant worry of their views of my actions. For the first time, perhaps ever in my life, I feel that my current partner does not judge me, and by not having the weighing stress of constant judgment by my lover on my shoulders, I feel free to fly and develop my abilities. Before now, I was always most productive when single. More often than not if my partners were aware or not, they were constantly extinguishing my. Some more directly than others. BS that my current partner supports me, I am able to have the liberation that I would feel while single, well still having a partner to share these things with. This is a feeling never felt before. So for these reasons combined, my pass for the first time since high school is clear. Perhaps this is why Jesus had all those unwritten years. LOL. It just takes a while to get all your shit together.

Attract/Repell with intensity

I too often wonder how dramatically different, perhaps my mentality is from my peers. When I was a child I tended to be more excepting that many of my peers tended to be doing with their time what I felt as a waste. However, perhaps the simpler life, coupled with simpler mentality and desires towards a individuals future, as well as ambitions, may be the way to go. I have a constant nagging drive since as far back as I can remember to accomplish things. To be in a constant state of mass accomplishment. I have always felt that perhaps I think too much. Not for the reason that you may think, simply because I feel that perhaps I contemplate in more avenues of awareness than many of my peers. But not only this, I also tend to keep a constant record of these thoughts. I have journal entries such of this since I was age 11. When I was younger, it made much sense that my peers were not doing the same. However now in my mid 30s I look around and nothing is changed. To date, I have never met the company of even one individual that records to the level of eye. Perhaps I am in the wrong circle. Rats I do not surround myself with enough writers. I'm sure that if I started attending such groups I would then feel the influence of my peers and perhaps inspiration. I tend to be spending most of my time inspiring others. Which is also good. I do very much enjoy the inspiration that I give others, however I do crave inspiration myself. I do feel that I have perhaps more mentors and others, and it is this constant driving towards goals that my  mentors have accomplished but keep me on this road. However, I do feel that many of my mentors are not actually taking a active role in my life. I more watch their accomplishments and for those that I know, I try to mingle with often. Now as a undeniable adult, viewing my peers life, I see the same acts of repeated mediocrity . However, when I discuss this with them with nonjudgmental interest as a outsider of this mentality, they truly show no desire towards what I feel as greater thanks. And I almost admire this. Perhaps this is where the term, ignorance is bliss originates. I have a constant need to discover, learn, grow, expand and become a better self. I have no recollection of when this started and I do not feel that it is any greater now than when I was a child. I do hope that my children will hold the same mentality. However if they do not, I will have to learn to work with their personalized mentality, which will also intrigue me further. I enjoy working with individuals that view life from a different I. I often feel that perhaps my personality is too intense for any one person for a extended amount of time. This does not bother me, however others have voice to me that I should change. And I do not feel that I should change, so I do not. I am happy with who I am with my intensity. I do not feel stressed, or bothered by my mentality. And I often shield my true power of my being from others. To not overwhelm them. As soon as they start to see a part of me at first it intrigues, then it frightens. Perhaps I have become the car accident that they cannot look away from. LOL. The intensity of the situation attracts them, however it is the same intensity that repels them.

Hurry, going nowhere.

You know, it seems everywhere I go everyone is in a hurry. Walking quickly as to pass each other as zombies are ants in a vast community of individuals with no individuality. Everyone is on their way to do something extremely important, never spending the time to watch the clouds or smell the flowers. We live in a society of destination seekers. It seems that most have forgotten about the journey. It is always about what you do, not how you do it. And with this being said, still not much is ever actually completed. In a world of destination seekers, we are surrounded by in completed tasks. The journey towards the goal is so intense that often the goal seems to never be in reach. So many spend much of their time spinning there wheels. Going nowhere. With full intent for success, however because of poor planning and a actual direction towards the success, much of the time it is set up to hurry up, and wait.

I just found a book that I wrote in 1998 - Control your own fate

When I was a child in California, a teacher told me that if I really wanted to, and I tried, I could do anything that I put my mind to. I took these words to heart, and done just that.

If you hold an interest and you're living your dreams, no matter how outlandish that they may seem, you can do it!

Truth is what you believe

-XZanthia

Part one

Opportunity

Opportunity will step out of the way, to let a man pass it by.

Life is full of opportunity, however opportunity will step out-of-the-way to let a man passing by.

Every moment of every day there is an opportunity to be had by you. However opportunity is not going to come knocking on your door. You must go looking for it. We are all our own forest Gump's. We all have opportunity falling in our lap every moment of every day, if we took the first opportunity to get out of bed in the morning.

Many people look at opportunity as being one great thing…

The opportunity of a lifetime.

This is not as it is. Opportunity is a compilation of many small opportunities. You must recognize all the opportunities of the day to see the greater ones. You must make it an involuntary response to find daily opportunities. Once you are successfully seeing your opportunities then you will be followed by the greater opportunities. Think of opportunities as a staircase, leading to your goal. People can be opportunities, places, and events most anything. All steps toward your greater goal. Your life and it's and is the verdict of your life's choices. The ends to the path that you have taken throughout your life. Each path is it's own opportunity. Some paths may be long and Windee, many may be bumpy and quite difficult to travel.

We must all choose our own paths. The paths that lead to our chosen destination.

Robert Frost, a famous American poet wrote a classic palm on the roads of life. It illustrates a good point. That sometimes the roads traveled by everyone else may not be the better choice.

The Road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I cannot travel both.

And be one traveler, long I stood.

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had one of them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay 

in leaves no step had tried in black.

I shall be telling this with a side

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverse in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost 1874-1963

  

Part two

 The familiar path

Many people tend to choose whatever path tends to be in front of them at that time. Whichever path is the most manageable. Most often this path is dark or foggy. It is a long and bring you back to where you started. Or it may be a long path to travel a short distance. This is a rats. Many people get into a rut. They will follow the same path over and over not realizing that they are following their footprints. The longer they stay on that trail the deeper the right becomes. The deeper the right becomes the more difficult it is to climb out. It is easy to stay on the same path. There are no surprises. The land is familiar; and you never get lost. It is this comfort that holds many people back. The unwillingness to travel outside the unknown territory. They do not know what Malay at the end of the path that branches off of their familiar road. Without exploring there is no room for the soul to grow.

 If you feel that you are in a comfortable path, and may have not realized that the path has become a rut, the first step is always the hardest. That's step out of the hall and into foreign ground. However once you are out of the right and start on your own adventure to new land the danger of falling back into your old rides is ever present. Life is a struggle. No one ever said that it was going to be easy. It is no easier on your familiar path then it is on a path of a whole new world. The troubles in anxieties are the same for you if you are on the path that leads you around in circles are a path that climbs A mountain into the clouds. Just which one are you going to choose? 

Pull yourself out of your rut.

You're right can be caused too many things. All attributing to not completing your goal for whatever reason. Job, girlfriend or boyfriend, money, parents, friends, school, self laziness, living arrangements or environment, health or just about anything that you could make excuses for. You must find your follies and attack them. Correct yourself. Correct your environment. Correct your life.

It is up to you what path you take. The smallest decision as a child could in fact bring about your untimely death.

Example: at age age your older cousin lights you up a cigarette. You then have two simple paths to choose. If you decide to take a puff; what was your desire to do so? Why was that your choice? What made you choose that path? You knew it was wrong. You knew it was bad for you. You seen all the signs. Yet you still chose to do so. Pear Pressure.

Part three

Pear pressure is one of the greatest killers of dreams.

You should never let anyone else let you down. Swallow your pride, take your balls in your hand and do your damnedest! People are always out there trying to make someone else feel bad. Sometimes circumstances do get in the way. Even still you should always work your hardest. The only critic that you should listen to is yourself. Sometimes that right there is enough to get you down. You should always try your hardest and do your best no matter what anybody else says.

There are many ways throughout life that people will get you down, and you are discouraged from what you are working on because of them.

Example: one. At age 15 you are truly inspired to become a clothing designer. You study clothing design, take a sewing class and by several selling books and books on famous designs. And your selling class you were given an assignment to create an evening gown according to your own design. You're given a two week deadline. You spend the next two weeks working diligently. You are quite impressed with the result. You take the dress into class. All the dresses are placed in a final competition fashion show. Each dress gets a grade in award. I do 50 dresses you come in 50th.

Two. As a child you wish to become a famous artist. Your father tells you that you will never be able to make money as an artist, hence the term starving artist. So after years of discouragement, the realizing that you will never become a famous artist so you become a teller at a bank instead because that puts food on the table.

All the while the opportunity for you to become a famous artist are constantly passing you bye. The very people that you may speak to on a weekly basis may in fact be the vital connection/opportunity that you're becoming a famous artist. They could own an art gallery, ART magazine or Run art shows.

If you had still continued to do your art as a hobby despite any outward discouragement, you may slip this information over the counter any friendly conversation while the customer is waiting for the transaction to go through. If the customer seems to not be interested then convey to them that you would like to show them your art. They will often say; that would be great. If even to shut you up. However those words open the door for you. Now you can get together a portfolio, laser copy your favorite pieces at a copy store and create some type of professional press packet showing all your abilities, ways to contact you in a summary about you as an individual. This will be ready to give to the customer there next arrival.

Part five

Press packet

This packet can be personalized to the need of the individual. Depending on that persons wishes changes the content of the packet.

Examples:

One. If you are an artist you'll do as on the following page.

2. If you are a musician, you will put together a demo with a full color photo of the band along with your information about the music and how to contact you.

3. If you want to own a store, create a resume and start working at a privately own store. Speak with the owners on how they did it. Watch the way they do things. Learn from their mistakes. Manage their store before you start your own. Learn on their time and their expenses not yours.

4. If you want to become a professional fly fisher, take photographs of you with fish that you have caught, videos of you flyfishing and a story about how your passion for flyfishing developed and grew.

5. If you want to be a boxer, take some video footage of you boxing; xerox the award that you may have one, newspaper articles about you and magazine clippings. Combined your accomplishments and achievements and a booklet along with ways to contact you.

You get the idea; by now you should have the basic knowledge of how to create a press packet with your own abilities.

Making a press packet, resume or dream pamphlet is not that difficult. If money is a problem most any school or library allows you to use their computers. If you do not know how to use a computer find some bum with her life more pathetic than yours and they will teach you. Cut and paste or Photoshop, you're finished product should have your product, means to get in touch with you, and a summary of what it is that you have to offer. Perhaps you may want to place references, pass places where you performed, showed your work or fish. Whatever. Personalize it the best to you as an individual. And do not become frustrated with the finished product if it is not as you envisioned. It is better than what you had, which was nothing. And with each one you make you will become better. The worst someone will do is say no. Even in that case you were no worse than you already were. You lose nothing. But you'll never gain anything if you do not try.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Part five

Don't be another victim of circumstance-be a product of happenstance!

The whole world is full of cowards too afraid of leaving their front step. Too scared to venture into the unknown. Well we are not asking you to discover America or to fly to the moon for the first time. I'm simply saying live your dreams. If Columbus were too scared to sail to the ends of the earth the world would've been a different place. If Edgar Allan Poe would've given into his depression and the constant turmoil of his work we would not be blessed with such poetry today. You must try. And…

There is no time like the present!

Don't be led by your life, lead your life with your dreams and goals, do not be another person that allows life to happen while you're making other plans.

Take charge of your life!

It is your control.

Don't let anyone tell you how to live,

Or what to do.

This is the only life that you may have.

Make the best of it.

Leave your mark upon this earth.

Leave your tribute.

If you allow yourself to slip into a depression right of a repeated chain of events and you do not like the results, then

Change your actions!

Part six

The years are short and there are only 24 hours in a day.

Think about this. We all think that time is endless. That we always have tomorrow. That we can do it later, or next year. Well there is no time like the present. Our days here are numbered. We will die. Do you think that you'll see the year 2081? How very many occurrences could bring you your death by that time? If you feel that perhaps you are a child and you have plenty of time, I've seen many children die. We all hate talking about it and we all shove it in the back of our minds, and perhaps we will only grasp it while we lie dying. When that dying soul is you will you be able to say that you have gotten the most out of this life and you are happy with the accomplishments to that point?

Or would you feel unsatisfied with your life?

Seize the day!!

There is so much out there for us all. There is so much that it's possible for us to do. We can do so many things now that we never dreamt possible in the past. There is so much to learn. The Internet is a vast sea of knowledge open to us all. We as humans are capable of defining our own beliefs of possibilities. We are all gifted with a brilliant brain. As any muscle it must be worked. The more that it is worked, the stronger it becomes.

The point of all of this simply is; live your life to the fullest every day. With the rising Sun every morning you are reborn, new and refreshed. Mistakes are to be learned from and not regretted. Life is too short for regrets, hate and revenge. All these feelings use more energy than positive ones and they also shorten the quality of life for oneself.

Focus on more positive thinking.

(there is a lot more to this book. I will add more soon.)